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Bug, the mental image of throwing stuff in the trash is STRONG. I have a certain trash can I throw junk mail in, a stainless steel one with a foot-pedal and lid. I'll use that as my visualization tool when I get those pesky thoughts.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Labug, caught up on your sitch and really can identify with all you are saying, especially unsolicited advice from "friends." I saw my H for the first time in 6 weeks on Friday and I spent the weekend reeling. I thought I was doing well with GAL and detaching, but appears that I failed on every one of those bullets. He has spent a lot of time contacting me via text recently and I have found myself expecting it....so I put your quote on my phone about living life with no expectations.
Do you have any specific tape recommendations about detaching? I have sooooo much respect for you and the time you have put into this board.
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
Had an interesting FB exchange with H's nephew, whom I hardly know. He was born after we had moved away and his father and H were never close. The times I've met N, I've enjoyed him and then when he married, his wife.
He's an only child with a very controlling mother. She makes me look like a slacker. He's an MD and married a beautiful young woman who is a dancer. I think they met in HS. Even 1800 miles away I could tell that Mamma wasn't pleased but, oh well.
They've been married about 7-8 years and have a cute 4 yr old boy.
And now they're separated. He poured this whole story out to me on FB chat last night. Everything! He was either really hurting or drinking a little or both, because I don't think we've ever had a private conversation.
Gave no advice, listened and validated, mentioned a couple of books and told him to contact me if he needed to talk. He asked me not to say anything to "the family" because if his mother found out certain things she could make his life hell because she's vindictive and would lash out at the W. At least he figured that out.
Interesting thing, he didn't know H and I are separated. His parents were here visiting in Oct and I guess they just didn't notice that I wasn't around and H just acted like everything was normal. Don't know the whole story but this is an illustration of how closed that family is around emotions and sharing. Just act like everything is normal!
So, I'm sad by this news. They've been separated since Nov and it sounds like D is their next step.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Would you feel comfortable telling your nephew about this board if there was some chance he's realize who you were and follow your thread?
I think a lot about evangelizing DB/DR. I believe most divorce we see in this country is just wrong. I am so angry so many people are too selfish to respect their vows and give their kids the most important thing they can receive.
I don't know if there is anything you can say to a WAS to sway them. I'd like to tell friends of hurting marriage partners that advocating for divorce is just not right. There are alternatives.
I'd like for the WAS and friends of WAS, (and friends of LBS) to know there are alternatives, and that marriage is worth it, especially when there are kids. I don't know if there ways of reaching these people, but:
I'm pretty sure that 1/3 or 1/4 men out there are future LBHs who need a 2x4 to the head quite badly. I wish that someone could have reached me before it was too late.
Well, your nephew is probably too late to prevent flipping the WAW switch, if that's what he has going on.
But if someone could have put me on a path of DBing in the first two months of my sitch, I'd be putting my M back together.
Maybe none of this applies to your nephew, but I wish there were some way to reach more people teetering on divorce and put them on the right path.
I guess the problem is that most of our society puts more value on "I guess I'm not happy and I don't feel like working on it" than on "In sickness and in health, richer or poorer, etc, etc"
Sorry for the threadjack. I know that your N couldn't have a better person to have contacted in this situation. He is really luck to have you available to him, labug.
I'm just venting about the problem in general, I guess.
- All for the kids - Me:34, W:35 M:7, T:13 S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage July 2011 "I think I need a separation" W filed D September Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room