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Rick1963 - I will correct you where I think you are wrong. I have posted on other threads since joining the board -albeit not frequently - and I have been very honest historically as to why in my postings.
I am so new to this and still trying to figure out exactly what I am doing, how to handle my emotions what TO and NOT TO do. When I think I have something of value to post that can help someone - I post. Otherwise, I do a lot of reading of other threads and situations - but leave it to people that are more in the know than I to guide and advise. I don't think that is weak or selfish. I will concede to the point you made of me possibly being that "lost" - I do feel that way and have not tried to conceal it.
I think people contribute to this board in one of two ways, afterall - it IS "crowd-sourced". 1.) You are either someone that has really been through the mill or been here for awhile and really know your stuff - or just are in a better place to guide OR 2.) you post honestly and openly and hope that through other people guiding you others on the board will read and learn from your situation - I know for a fact that that has happened with me - on both the giving and receiving end.
I also do not agree with your assesment that people are tippy-toeing around me here, or anywhere else for that matter. I have been smacked dead between the eyes with a claw hammer more than once in my threads if people think I am off base or going the wrong way. 10 times out of 10 they have been right - and I was dead wrong. This medium provides for a lot of anonimity which makes having to walk on eggshells for people not that necessary. Check anything that has come from 25, Mach1, Sandi and a small list of others - they are direct, frank and brutally honest. And I, in turn, am grateful and hope that others benefit from reading the exchange.
This is not meant to be combative or defensive - just wanted to peacefully address what you brought up.
M: 38/W: 38 T:8 M:6 S: 1 Bomb: 9/10/11 W Files: 9/22/11 W Moves out: 11/10/11
25 - thanks for you typically isightful reply. In no particular order I cover a few things.
I did consider bringing by some food for her a day or two ago. Just in the manner you suggested - "hello....take food....good-bye". However, she texted me asking me not to come by because she needed rest. I respected that and stayed away. I think she gets edgy because during these times in her life she typicaly lets house keeping and other stuff go - and if history is any teacher, she didn't want me to see all of that.
I know that she is/was dreadfully stressed and I did not toss gas on the fire. I said I was available if she needed me and that was about it. She called this morning to talk to the baby and I told her that he was still sleeping - she was shocked and said "that littler stinker! he never sleeps this late for me!". She was on her way to work when she called so I am thinking she is feeling at least a little better. Clearly not 100%, but trying to get there. She said she would be better when she sees S. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never know what triggered everything - but should not assume it was me.
Re: S and the terrible 2's. It is becoming more evident that he exhibits different behaviors depending on who he is with. Already it is clear that he sleeps his arse off at my place and does not sleep well with her. Funny things is, either way the ball breaks on this matter I am OK with is. I am suprised with how much crying and screaming I can take and still remain cool and not think it is a result of something I did. As long as I know he is not in pain or suffering somehow - I am juuuuust fine letting him cry if he can't drink syrup for dinner (yes, that really happened). I know that this is a developmental stage that will be filled with a lot of principle battles that we can't afford to lose. I think W and I are aligned on that opinion - despite the fact that I think it hits her harder.
The GI problems he is having sound just like what you experienced. He has already been to the ER once and the ped countless times. Still he struggles to poo at times and this TOTALLY is freaking my W out. She feels that something is really wrong and no one is giving us concrete answers. Somehow - I am not too concerned right now because I have heard of other parents having this issue. Right now, I have carved out dairy from his diet (as per ped GI doc) and he gets Mirilax daily. He'll be OK, and I don't think this is severe - but I CANNOT meet my w's concern with indifference right now. She always felt tha I never vauled her opinion on things - so I am letting her lead on this one and I support her decisions/conclusions.
M: 38/W: 38 T:8 M:6 S: 1 Bomb: 9/10/11 W Files: 9/22/11 W Moves out: 11/10/11
I don't have a problem giving it to you straight:)
But really, perhaps the "selfishness" (for lack of better word) is you feel all your W's feelings revolve around YOU. You seem like a sweet caring guy who love's his W, but also think perhaps her emotions revolve around you and your worry lies are if YOU are the cause.
You HAVE to get out of that mindset. She is a woman of her own nature with her own feelings.
I think you have to be more of a husband than a father figure. Let her be an adult.
I think what 25 said about you not doing any of the fathering for most of his little life translates into why he acts out with his mom and not you. Youa re suddenly very present, he knows he does not want to make that go away. His mom is probably, sorry if this sounds bad, but the comfort parent. At this stage he feels "safe" to challenge and express herself to him. he hasn't reached that comfort level with him yet.
I still go through it. My exH was always an active father, feeding, changing, playing, but since he left when she was 6 months, it was only 3 nights a week at the most. But my D sees me more, she can always rely on me to be there no matter what since day one. Guess who she tests more and acts out more with? Me. She gets a little worried I think if she acts out too much with her dad, she might "miss" her night with him. But she sure is a Daddy's girl and has been since she was born.
I think your main focus right now should be how you can stop making everything be about you or the effect you are having. Stop the mind reading game. You need to learn to let be things be. This will help you now and if/when you reconcile.
Crimson I have never posted to u, I don't think? What strikes me is that u have never posted to anyone else? Are u that weak, selfish, lost? The way I see it is that everyone tippy toes around u even on this board. Not sure why yet but I think your sitch would be further along if we were more direct with u. Correct me if I'm wrong. It is all about taking that leap.
Rick1963, read the whole thread-all of them. If you have, then your post makes no sense. I wonder if you might be confusing Crimson with someone else???
I've been like many posters here---meaning, VERY direct with Crimson and he's taken it like a man who is willing to do brave inner work and has truly changed.
In fact, I think he's one of maybe 3 or 4 men I've "met" here, in my 6 years posting, that has truly been confronted with brutally honest feedback
and he's taken it all in and made serious changes within.
Since when have I ever tiptoed around someone? The only times I do that is when I believe the recipient is too raw or emotionally incapable of processing criticism...Crimson is NOT incapable of that at all.
I don't know where you are coming from or why you'd choose THIS MAN to say this to. Frankly, your post baffles me.
No one has tiptoed around HIM...are you sure you have the right person? B/c I think you are completely off base here. Or projecting your fears about how people post to you? It just occurred to me you might have been sarcastic. Was that it? I can't tell with the written word, but if you are joking THEN I get it...
Otherwise you just have the wrong person in mind or
you are ignoring a boatload of feedback this guy has gotten. If you are not kidding, then you're just wrong. I hate using that word, but it's applicable here.
m:51 H:55 M: 30 yrs S25,D23,D15 H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005 I file Sep 2/06 Piecing 7/07 Retrovaille Weekend 8/08 M Restored 8/08
C, just to throw in my parenting perspective on things....
Though there are some tangible behaviors exhibited by your S (sleeping in late for you) there is much going on that just flies below the radar. I used to come home from 20 minutes at the grocery store and ask where 5yo S was, and H would say, "I don't know, he was here just a minute ago" (read 20 minutes.) I'm not relaying this to say H was a bad father, but just that it didn't bother him if he didn't know where/what S was doing every second, whereas I could tell you where he was, what he was doing, what sort of mood he was in, how many times he tooted, etc. Of course it was easier for H. Of course S was happier with him because he wasn't being monitored every second. And he didn't necessarily need to be because our house is relatively safe. Neither one of us was better than the other, but our individual styles warranted different responses from S. Now take that reality and compound it with the complications of your separation and the effects are exponential.
Or it could just be as simple as his easier for you because its his home that he's had since he was born.
Over-analyzing is fun! (*wink-wink*)
BTW, wasn't there an IC session or two scheduled for this week? Or am I off a week?
Crimson - FWIW I agree with CV's perspective on this. For years my W has been critical of the fact that our kids behaved differently around me than her. Even today, with them being considerably older, she still has this complaint.
When they were very young, I would have no problem getting them to bed and to sleep in very short order. While there were times when she struggled. She often complained about the fact that they would be fussy with her all day and as soon as I walked in the room they would calm down,
I don't know what the root of that is other than perhaps what CV describes in her post. How mothers care for children is often very different than how fathers care for children. It doesn't make either one bad, just different and I suspect that it all plays into their overall emotional development.
Mothers have a tendency to keep very tight control on their kids, especially when they are very young. Fathers I think tend to be more permissive, letting the kids explore and learn for themselves. Again, not good or bad, just different.
As I reflect back on the very young periods in their lives I remember a time when S10 was maybe 6-9 mos old and he cried all night from the time he was put to bed until I couldn't take it anymore. Some time around 4:30am I finally got up and said that's it we're going for a drive. And off we went. At about the 100 mile mark, he finally fell asleep. So I kept driving certain he would wake as soon as I stopped.
The benefit of that particular event was that my W finally got to get a few hours sleep, my son finally fell asleep and although I was dead tired, I got to experience a spectacular sunrise out in the middle of the Texas hill country.
My W's memory is that he was fussy and she was tired and that's about it. My memory was that he was fussy and I was tired BUT I also saw a beautiful sunrise and got my son back to sleep.
So I guess my point is babies and small children will behave differently around each parent individually and also differently when both are present. It just goes with the territory.
Me48 W50 S15 S11 M20 T23 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife