Taking my parents to airport tomorrow morning so they can fly back home after their three-month stay. It's a bitter-sweet moment. --- Net-net, it is not just helpful - but necessary for them to clear out to work on my marriage. --- I haven't done NOTHING (double negative intended) - I just have not focused on me for awhile and I think it reflects in the increased sadness that I have been feeling lately. ----Granted, I know it is launching the cart before the horse - but I have so fallen in love with my son over the last six months my heart truly wants another child. And, frankly, I can't say that I have ever stopped loving my wife - despite all that has transpired. Which leads me to my next point.
How do I handle MY hurt without diminishing what my wife feels OR making her feel guilty or shamed? who are you to "make" her feel guilty for her self preservation? What did she do "wrong"? You just finished admitting the "ONLY WAY" YOU would change into a better man, was by her doing exactly what she did, leave you. If you end up together- SHE deserves most of the credit for saving the marriage and saving YOU....
End of story...
I am 100% willing to let go of most of it - I already have. good...you should let it ALL go as it is known as "owning your stuff" and leaving hers for her to work on. Not your job to fix her or explain how her leaving you was the best thing that could have happened
BUT SOMETIMES YOU FELT BAD ABOUT YOURSELF and now you want... what from her?
An apology for the truth hurting you?
There are just some thing....isolated incidents....that burn sometimes. Like the first time I asked her a question and her reply was "you'll have to talk to my lawyer". Or the day I got served divorce papers at my office....or when her lawyer subpoenaed my employer for records about me....or when she sent the baby back to me with no shoes. crimson, get a grip. NONE of this was mean or cruel or inconsiderate. She filed and that means legal unpleasantness happens. What did you want, a heads up and some candy?
Except for the baby shoes all of this is legal stuff...reality....And the forgetting his shoes...really? You are "Hurt" by that? Seriously? You are the same man who "never changed" that boy's diaper or made a meal for him or put him to bed or read to him before she left...
and you want to carp about her forgetting his shoes? Seriously....wake up and stop the backslide!!
I know I have to move beyond all of it and forgive. And I WANT to. I just wonder if it will ever be appropriate in the course of this process to articulate these things. If the answer is "no" - I can handle it.
Good b/c THE ANSWER IS "NO"...emphatically.
IF you come up with a legit thing to feel bad about, we can talk. But THIS^^ stuff is way off base for you to complain about imo. Sorry.
W took s to her school's talent show tonight. He is gonna love that! He is a big music lover and frequently dances in his car seat.
Crimson
So do you feel better or worse now?
Check yourself when you begin this type of thought process. IT's destructive to the cause, imo.
Focus on the LOVE you feel for them and the gratitude you have for maybe getting a 2nd chance...
and let that replace this other prideful wounded ego whining. Crimson, You sound 20 years less mature when you go there. So don't go there.
Stay the course please. Don't blow it now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for the head check. You are right and make total sense. My emotions have been flaring out of control lately and I don't know why. I gotta get my sh@t back together.
Hey Crimson, do you ever wander around this board and read other threads. I've found that it really does help to get me out of my head and in reading other's sitches I find answers to my own questions or different ways to look at things.
Do you volunteer anywhere regularly? It really sounds like all you do is work, take care of S and worry. I'm positive your area has TONS of things you could do on the weekends when you don't have S.
You obsess and I know that's not news to you but it worries me because if you don't figure out how to handle that and you and W get back together, it will be disastrous.
Find some things that allow Crimson to think about people other than Crimson.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
25 - I have read your last post a few times over. Thank you for catching me in the middle of what could have been some really crappy negative progress. As noted my emotions have been a little off kilter lately. I think all of the things that I noted above are just things I need to look at in the context of the larger picture. To that end, I should just be glad that I have made the progress I've made. Honestly, and I do not say this lightly, I don't know where I would be without your help and the help of many of the other "sages" here. You all have LITERALLY stopped me from doing some pretty stupid sh!t over the last several months.
I had "WTF am I doing" moment yesterday when my w said she was going to her schools talent show with S. For a minute I was kinda sulky - just to myself. Then it hit me that I was traveling backwards! Again, wacky emotions. I picked up my phone and texted her that it was a great idea and that S would love it (which he did). I think it has been a valuable lesson lately in recognizing that these things (acting as if, etc.) are forever - and a good way to manage the old me into someone a little more tolerable.
I have been journaling on the weekends that I don't have my S at a coffee shop that I love (I am actually there right now). Months ago, I wrote a whole section on "problems and the 180s I can do" - I think it would behoove me to revisit that section just to see now far I have come and how some of them have actually come to fruition and produced positive results. I think now I. In the stage where I need to focus on making them "sticky".
Had a great convo with w this morning about the show last night and her job. She really is good at what she does.
.......oh, and to answer your question LA - I do wander around a lot and read posts. I never respond to much because I wonder exactly what I have to offer at this point. And the few people that I used to check in on (CO1978) have vanished. But you are right, it DOES help.
Hey there crimson- journaling at a coffee shop is a great GAL! I'm jealous! And you said you feel a wave of emotions as if it was the first day. I feel that way today. Sometimes our mind takes a break from DBing but we gotta get back on that train. Sit on top of the locomotive and yell HEEEE HAWWWW!!! That visual made me laugh! Hope it did the same for you
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Oddly enough - I left the coffee shop and met some friends for mimosas nearby - the relocated to a different place for beer and humorous conversation. Might see a movie tonight with a friend - but right now I am just home again......wow is it quiet. I think I will spend some time plotting how I can GAL in the coming weeks.
VP - have fun riding atop the locomotive. But when you come to a tunnel - duck. I have watched a lot of Indiana Jones movies and I know that scenario rarely works out well.
Hear that? No? Exactly! That is my home being perfectly still and quiet for the first time in a bit. The secret to enjoying it? Learning the difference between loneliness and solitude. Right now I am enjoying the latter and hoping the former stays at bay.
So w suggested an early dinner today so I met her and S at a place a bit outside of downtown. I love it with s can tell it's me just by my 4Runner pulling into the parking lot. His face lit up - I can't tell you how happy I was to see him. W said he has been a little cranky an rambunctious the last day or two. I could tell that she was mentally and physically exhausted a bit - she asked me to "take over" at dinner - I was happy to do so. He turns two at the end of this month, he is rather bright, and he is starting express his likes, dislikes and opinions a bit more. It's for sure a stage where you hope to have a partner backing you up.
We had a great talk over dinner. W brought up the R and my parents - I told her about some of the things I observed in my parents R that I think worked for them that I was inadvertently trying to replicate in our R -- they just don't work and L learned that the hard way. All in all it was a good dinner, a good talk....and there was a blood orange martini and lobster bisque involved - can't beat that. I printed out some of the pictures I have taken of my S on photo paper and gave them to my W for framing - she really liked them. I was never big into pictures when we were "together" but that has changed a lot not wanting to miss much of my son's life.
S was getting fidgety and I could tell wife was exhausted from parenting. I told her I could take him to the park by her condo for awhile and play with him while she gets things done around the house. She was VERY ok with that. It was win/win - she needed the mental break and I needed the time with my son. We had a nice time at the park and it really calmed him down a bit. So we made it back to w's condo and I got him into his PJs, read him a few books, said his good-nite prayer with him - handed his exhausted little body to my w and headed for home.
While I was there, it was really clear that my wife was tired. She said it would be better if he would just sleep in. I find that odd because when he is at the house with me he can EASILY sleep till 8 or later. Not sure why he gets up at 5:00 when he is with my w. I kept thinking it would be so much easier for BOTH of us if we were all under the same roof. Didn't allow myself to dwell there, though - I think that is something that she will figure out on her own at some point.
Gotta say it was a good night all things considered. Now I am just lounging at home with the dog. And I get my son tomorrow! It's a happy moment and I will savor it because Lord knows what next week will bring.
Crimson - all the stuff you mentioned that burns you, I think is typical bomb dropping stuff, not an indicator of what your R is with her. I think you should focus on the future and how you two can pull things together. I don't think you have anything to gain by bringing this up because when you R this stuff won't be happening, it was just bomb shrapnel.
What kind of stuff do you like to do for fun - hobbies, passions? What do you and your friends do for a kick?
