So I didn't sleep very well last night - basically took two hour power naps that were filled with odd dreams. Had a dream that I was driving my dad's old 85 Oldsmobile and rear-ended a pickup truck from the the 1940's. WTH? There were other odd dreams, but they escape me at the moment.
As mentioned in thread "10", my DID get the gerbera daisies that I left for her yesterday. However, I think her enthusiasm about them was great surpassed by the fact that our son was having poop problems again. He experiences pain, discomfort, screaming, locked legs, etc. - when he has to go. It's hard to think about flowers when your son is screaming his head off - so I decided not to take it personally at all.
I texted her last night that I respect the hard work that she is doing being a mom to a toddler and working full time - that I realize that it is difficult and that she was doing a great job as a mother. I told her that I was glad that she was there with him when he is not feeling well (even though it kills me that I am not). She reponded "Thanks :)".
I wrestled with the idea of proposing getting together this weekend. But I decided to put it out there anyway. I said maybe we could take the baby somewhere fun and then grab a bite to eat somewhere on Saturday. She didn't respond to the text, but I figured she was either asleep or wrapped up in the baby.
After last night's crappy sleep, spent worrying about my son I pried myself out of bed and showered and got dressed for work. I decided to call and check on my son to she how did through the night. W was driving him to babysitter and said he slept through the night but was still kind of "out of sorts". She let me talk to him and my heart both melted and exhaled when I heard him say "hi daddy". I asked him how he was doing - but he didn't answer (he's not even 2 yet, so it's more for educational purposes). Hearing his little voice just makes me feel better - he said his little broken "I love you" and then I went back to my W. She said that she didn't have a chance to reply to my text last night because she was more or less in "survival mode". She said that she would play it by ear on Saturday and see how the baby was feeling. Fair enough. I told her that if there was anything I could do to help him, please let me know. I miss that kid a ton.
So regarding MC, I have individual sessions set up for next week. I think I am Tuesday and she is Wednesday. Haven't given her the schedule yet, but I am hopeful that she won't object. Not gonna lie, a litte worried about it because the last time we did IC with the counselor it resulted in me discovering w has no interest in working things out. I hope this time will be different. Gun shy, I guess.
Years ago I heard a great quote: "when suffering becomes more painful than change, you will change". That has been running in my head a lot this week. I am living that quote right now...to the letter. There is nothing more awful than being away from my wife and son....I never knew it would be this painful. However, it was the ONLY way that I would have changed....or even admitted that I needed to. I think my w is starting to see it, but the extent to which she is willing to trust and believe remains to be seen. But I know to my core that this has been a life-altering experience. I can never go back to who or what I was before this. It has been painful enough to evoke change. Lasting change.
Not sure why, but my emotions have been running wild these last few days. I almost feel like I am at "Day 1" again. Poor sleeping - even dry heaved a few times in the morning (as humiliating as that it to admit). I think it is because I am struggling with hope and optimism while still fearing for the worst. I think when I was in LRT there was a stranging "soothing" element to it because I felt like I was in control. In this stage, I have to be willing to let my w lead progress. So whereas I have control to the extent that I can say I will participate or not, I cannot move the ball forward on my own. Maybe that is why my emotions have gotten to me lately. That (and I know I sound like a broken record player, here) and I struggle a lot being away from my boy.
Crimson, I posted this on your thread yesterday but I don't think you noticed it.
Quote:
Which brings me to my next point. And you may not agree but I will make it anyway for you to consider.
You are at a precarious stage in your sitch. The way I see it, things could go either way for you but I have the best hopes for a R between you and your W. That being said, you might want to consider resurrecting your list of things that weren't working in your M. The ones from her perspective AND the ones from yours.
I think that with the passage of time, we LBS have a tendency to latch on to only the big ticket items that ripped apart our M's. And while I think those are clearly important, the smaller ones are just as important because if they go un-addressed they will eventually become big ticket items in and of themselves.
So, think about dusting off that list and maybe adding to it if new issues have come up in your MC sessions. Maybe consider posting it here so we can help you focus and prioritize.
The point is, you need to be in tip top form when/if your W is ready to come back to the M and try again.
Since you seem to have a lot of anxiety over how things may or may not work out, don't you think it would be a good exercise to run through your list of issues and make sure you've addressed each one?
It would be a shame if you got to the finish line but realized you left something behind and whatever that is, comes back to bite you in the butt.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Carrying this over, I posted it to your old thread but want to make sure you see it here...
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Crimson, I posted this on your thread yesterday but I don't think you noticed it.
[quote]Which brings me to my next point. And you may not agree but I will make it anyway for you to consider.
You are at a precarious stage in your sitch. The way I see it, things could go either way for you but I have the best hopes for a R between you and your W. That being said, you might want to consider resurrecting your list of things that weren't working in your M. The ones from her perspective AND the ones from yours.
I think that with the passage of time, we LBS have a tendency to latch on to only the big ticket items that ripped apart our M's. And while I think those are clearly important, the smaller ones are just as important because if they go un-addressed they will eventually become big ticket items in and of themselves.
So, think about dusting off that list and maybe adding to it if new issues have come up in your MC sessions. Maybe consider posting it here so we can help you focus and prioritize.
The point is, you need to be in tip top form when/if your W is ready to come back to the M and try again.
Since you seem to have a lot of anxiety over how things may or may not work out, don't you think it would be a good exercise to run through your list of issues and make sure you've addressed each one?
It would be a shame if you got to the finish line but realized you left something behind and whatever that is, comes back to bite you in the butt.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
- when Mach pointed out how you use the word "but" or in your case the more expensive version "notwithstanding", it is really a mindset that you end up typing in your posts. Be aware that it's use negates everything you think or feel before you use that word. "I would not worry about the lawyers, BUT they're acting on my W's command". Be aware of this, think about it, and you will find it popping up over and over in how you think and post. Since I was given this sage advice I have caught myself over and over getting ready to think or say something that way, and I stop in my tracks. Using the word "but" makes you powerless to whatever comes after the word "but". When you become aware of this, you will see that you are in control of what you are feeling before the word "but" comes into play. Then, instead of negating your power with the word "but" you end up making yourself find solutions so that you can maintain your original feeling and line of thought. This can be a big eye opener for you and can allow you to regain control of your emotions and will power. Hey, I passed Mach's advice onto my WAW, and she has noted how big of an impact words can have, which ultimately are a sign of how you are thinking. Give this some thought. This really helped me a lot.
- your kid's pooping problem at that age is actually very common. My S13 went through this at same age as your boy and in the end the doc said to trust that his body will work as it should and he will pass the solids. It's tough to watch them suffer but it does "work itself out", no pun intended.
- I don't want to preach to you but there is a way to find peace from the divine, where our minds cannot reach due to so much mental gymnastics. You do have to work at it though, shutting the mind down and letting the heart and soul take over....breathe in...breathe out....surrender to it....let your thoughts float past...
I typed this on the run to a meeting so pls forgive me if I ramble a bit....I want "you" to find peace ny friend.
I feel for you. Where you are now is brutal, torn between hope and disillusionment.
I'm reading tons of pursuing into your posts. If there is anything you can do to dial that back, please try to.
If you think of your marriage as a plant that needs to be watered, you need to be using an eye-dropper right now. If you start using a watering can it may come across to W like a fire hose and scare her away.
When you are texting about S, make sure that S is not just an excuse to get some contact with W. When I was reading your posts what was going through my mind was "too much too fast, too much too fast."
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You may be right, Accuray. I have been very forthright about trying to seek a suitable balance between DB, what my w expresses in MC, and my own tendencies and fears - all while being very aware that come May 8th we are all done. Time, thus far, has been my friend - but right now the relationship between time and me is strained at best. I know I shouldn't view that as a true limiting factor to a potential R - but it is a major setback.
W agreed to 5th MC session today - it will be IC for both of us on consecutive days. I figure that can't be all bad. It will give her a chance to speak freely without me being "in the way".
Taking my parents to airport tomorrow morning so they can fly back home after their three-month stay. It's a bitter-sweet moment. On the one hand, I am hoping that it will clear the road for my wife to stop by every now and then, yet on the other it's been kind of nice not having a empty house all to myself half the time even though they can drive me all sorts of crazy. Net-net, it is not just helpful - but necessary for them to clear out to work on my marriage. If nothing else, the drive to not spend time in this house by myself will really push me to GAL a bit more - I have fallen off a bit. I can't remember who was asking on my previous thread, but the answer in "I haven't been doing too much for myself lately". I haven't done NOTHING (double negative intended) - I just have not focused on me for awhile and I think it reflects in the increased sadness that I have been feeling lately.
So get this. My IC session with MC is Tuesday the 13th, W's is Wednesday the 14th. Care to guess what we have Monday the 12th? Yep. Consult with reproductive endocrinologist. That oughta make MC interesting. Still trying to wrap my brain around the freakish dichotomy this is right now.
Is it wrong for me to be sorta excited about the consult? Granted, I know it is launching the cart before the horse - but I have so fallen in love with my son over the last six months my heart truly wants another child. And, frankly, I can't say that I have ever stopped loving my wife - despite all that has transpired. Which leads me to my next point.
How do I handle MY hurt without diminishing what my wife feels OR making her feel guilty or shamed? I am 100% willing to let go of most of it - I already have. There are just some thing....isolated incidents....that burn sometimes. Like the first time I asked her a question and her reply was "you'll have to talk to my lawyer". Or the day I got served divorce papers at my office....or when her lawyer subpoenaed my employer for records about me....or when she sent the baby back to me with no shoes. I know I have to move beyond all of it and forgive. And I WANT to. I just wonder if it will ever be appropriate in the course of this process to articulate these things. If the answer is "no" - I can handle it.
W took s to her school's talent show tonight. He is gonna love that! He is a big music lover and frequently dances in his car seat.
Yeah, the IVF/D thing messes with my head, too. It's not like Monday is a procedure. Just go and get whatever info you need, and don't commit to anything.
Quote:
How do I handle MY hurt? ... I just wonder if it will ever be appropriate in the course of this process to articulate these things.
I'm not sure this is a level playing field. It's sort of like wanting to bring up the fact that your W "hit you back." Well, yeah.... What would you actually hope to accomplish, if not making her feel guilty or shamed? It's not like it's a recurring problem, or something that was happening in the M that you want to work to prevent from happening in the M again.
I'm not sure I see any value in bringing THOSE things up. Not to W anyway. I'm sure the C would be willing to talk you through it.
