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Yasu Offline OP
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My first thread was too convoluted, and negative. However, I will keep it as a journal as I tend to write in too much detail.

Seriously, my case is at the 11th hour - I think (been here before). This new year begins the fourth year of separation/devorce proceedings. I fully comprehend DB/DR now, and like many, made early mistakes. Over the past six months, thru a period of going completely dark (which included staying out of town), I was able to gain footing in the area of detachment.

While out of town, my GAL was to renovate the rental house at my own expense - which is just about complete. Prior to my efforts, we had been noticed that our tenants were arrested and drugs were found in the home. The commander said our could be seized. With the poor condition or the rental, and fallen trees, I knew we had a big problem over there - that embarrassed the neighbors in this upstanding community.

I'm really proud that I brought the house back! I never thought of it as a GAL until now! I made many friends and connected with old friends in the area, as I used to live there myself.

It was seven years since I had seen the house, and I can say that my renovation easily saved the house from being condemned.

Well, I need to start actively marketing the rental now. That is the next GAL.

Back to the Marital Issue:

A point came where we did recive another offer from his attorney. This time we considered the offer because there was "some" realistic movement. Two "Do Something Different" things occurred:

1. They received the First Offer from us since the failed mediation over 3 years ago.
2. This was really an unmistakable signal that I accept the divorce (which I do).

They took 49 days to chew on our offer before counter-offering (we did not put a dead-line on as they do - usually 7-10 days). That was a very good offer that he should have taken.


Again they came with another offer, that also contained a threat that they would put the case on the trial calander. We bent overt backwards, as far as is possible (for me to support myself) with another counter, they came back again - and the offer is unfair, and not possible, and they gave us the threat of trial again. That brings us to present day, their deadline being the end of February.

Early on, just prior or at the beginning of these negotiations, I came out of the dark H will not take my calls, so, I left a friendly VM. Over the weeks, I have just left business matters on his VM. One time I had a gut feeling something was wrong because of all the calls from the mortgage company, and just some instinct. I VM my gut feels and concern.

Now, something is strange going on. Bills are late. Twice my check payments are late, and that has had a serious effect on my finances (with my expenses on rental). The check to the mortgage was short $25.53. They cal time after time. Both my phones, his cell, and his work. There was a $100 late added because of this shortage. I left VM's as usual around the 16th when calls started coming in. It appeared to me he was ignoring everything and I handed to the attorney.

When I learned we weregoing to get a ding on credit report, again, I tried to get in touch with him last week, and his mailbox is full. I called his work, he was not there - which is very strange for a Saturday. Monday came, more calls from mortgage company, they tell me it is my last chance to avoid a ding on credit - so I paid it. I called him again on cell - mailbox still full. Other business yesterday, mailbox still full.

I even posted a prayer - because I sense something is wrong. He would never let that mailbox get fill - no way.

So thank for reading current situation. If you have any other idea for me other than:

1. act "as if" I accept the divorce

2. Give him a fair chance to take care of his responsibility, then enforce boundaries, no threat, no discussion, he simply is noticed by his council instead.

3. Only call for business matters. (No more "instinct" BS backslides.)

Actually, I have no other choice but to participate in reasonable settlement talks to that we remain cooperative in the eyes of the judge (who reads these settlement documents to determine who pays legal fees after the case is over).


Areas Where I NeedTo Improve:

1. I got to get a grip on my stress and absentmindedness. I have been making mistakes.

2. I must meet another goal on my list.

3. I must plan to get out of doors - this is a big one.

Please help me with DB advice in the 11th hour. Yas


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
Joined: Sep 2011
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I am brainstorming ideas. Hand in there!!


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Hang in there


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 144
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Yasu Offline OP
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The thing I didn't mention. I have had the gift of time, as we say in DB. Over three years of time, time, plenty.

Now, it feels like all I ever do is WAIT for the other shoe to drop. For instance, right now, at any moment, I could receive a notice that I will be on the trial calandar - which mortifies me.

Now, it could come on e-mail, or it could come to my door registered mail, or it could be hand delivered. It could arrive today, tomorrow, next month, next year, or not at all. Will he carry out the threat? My attorney says it is only a threat until he pays for his share of the trial upfront - which is pricey in our case. If that so happens, he will have to put up mine as well - as it is available to him in OUR business. A trial is at least 15k each. Will he do this rather than giving us our less than fair settlement proposal?

This is why my stress and anxiety has virtual doubled, as well, my doctor has really increased my dosage, and wants to see me twice as often.

I feel so paralyzed. But I have no control over what others do. It is as simple as that. I await your brainstorm lovely Broklynnmom!


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
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Legal issues aside, when was the last time you actually talked or interacted with your H?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Yasu Offline OP
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June 11

I called him in the summer about advancing my monthly check to me to fix the rental last June. When he was nonresponsive, I left a nasty VM that we were walking off the job. Money was in bank the next morning.

Mid-July

He called me once or twice about me paying some bills for him while he went to Greece. That was a strange series of calls. Each call he really emphasized the date he was leaving for the two week trip.

I told him, that's great! You have time to get this "such and such" paperwork to me from the "XYZ" company! He said no, and quickly changed the day he was leaving. Then I said, well then, you have time to get me at least the "lp's" for the insurance claim, I can get a lot of money for the damages to those." (we had a flood, and many of the LP's got wet, but he still wanted them, and subsequently requested the turntables). Well, after I asked him to drop off the LP's so I could include them in the claim, he said he threw them out. I' sure I made it clear that I could get up to $5000 go those LP's.

So the jist of those convo's was him wanting me to know he was leaving on a particular day - then when cross-examined with a request, turns out he was leaving actually a day earlier.

I called him after he got back from trip, and he said he could only be friends with me. I decided to let go, and go totally, completely dark, and detach.

This is when surveillance got hot and heavy on my trail. I even injured myself severly going after one. I was so angry - I left him an angry VM to stop the surveilance, the neighbors had seen it, and I had been to police. Once I healed, I left town, and stayed the rest of the summer, fall, and winter at the rental supervising the work.

There was a bit of surveillance and hijinncts at the rental, mostly I ignored it. Only made police report when they came on property and messed around.

I recall a last phone call we had have made perhaps before the injuries. Almost has to be. That call would be sometime between August 1 and August 10. It is a call I was very hurt by. I told him how I missed being with him in an intimate way and it had been so very very very long. That I really don't even know how to date or anything. Perhaps I was being somewhat manipulative in all likelihood. His response to me was "just go out and find somebody.". Those were the last words we shared. Thank you for reading. Yas


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 144
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Yasu Offline OP
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Let me simply answer your question, Mr. Bond. A phone call between Aug 1-10, 2011.


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
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And do you remember the topic of that conversation?

If you want to save your M, maybe you need to actually initiate a little 'hello' conversation with your H. Right now with all the legal counsel going on, you're seeing each other as enemies as opposed to two people who are actually in a relationship.

For what it's worth, I think you've given your H too many chances in the past. Especially based on the things he did to you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Posts: 144
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Yasu Offline OP
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I read you loud and clear. I enforced no boundaries and he did anything he pleased with no problem. I too, had my time to myself to pursue my creative projects, although, I never stopped letting him know that I missed him. I did, however, cease physically reaching out for him (not just sex) after years of rejection.

But he doesn't answer phone. What do you recommend I leave in a VM (if box is not full), or in a written note by mail?

What would a "hello" entail?


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Currently what is his circumstance? Is he living with another woman? How far away does he live from you?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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