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#2225169 - 02/26/12 03:53 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i'm hoping someone will respond to my posts - i'm sorry they are so long.
could really do with feedback
today - i am focusing on trying to detach and GAL , but find myself thinking constantly about him.

he leaves on thursday for 25 days - the longest trip away from us - first he goes to see his sis and meet the ow for a day or 2 and then he flies abroad for a work trip. we'll be talking to him on skype everyday though.

i know that it is my opportunity to be on my own , and focus on myself and the right things i have to do for myself, and to really let go - but i'm hating it.i can't decide if i should just go dark and not talk to him on the skype, or be there son and i with our happy smiling faces telling him about all the fun stuff we are doing here -

the stupid thing is that even though he is doing this( having an affair and moving out and not allowing us to even discuss the possibility of trying to work it out), he hasn't let go and neither have i, after 6 mos.

gosh i am whiny today - having trouble cutting those emotional strings..
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2225304 - 02/27/12 12:10 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
well - he stopped by this evening to spend a bit of time with our son and to help me look for some documents that i couldn't find.

i was casual friendly and relaxed - at one point i turned to speak to him ( i could feel him looking at me very intensely for many mins while my back was to him while i was cooking at the stove) and caught the look in his eyes- he is still so connected and feels so much but is so ADAMANT to fight it (he's told me that - " i have really strong feelings for you but i am going to fight them and wish they go away)

he's leaving on thursday and is going to spend upto 5 days with her, before he leaves the country - and the worst of it - his sister (whom i get along with great), who by the way did the exact same thing 2 years ago and left her spouse and is still having the affair, is meeting up with him and the OW for those five days.

H's parents are quite devastated that both their kids have done the same thing within 2 yrs of each other and it's difficult not to see that there is some family connection there. i think that his sis, needs ot support him in this, because otherwise she would have to face up to what she is doing and she's not ready to.

my MIL told me that just last june the three of them were talking one night and H told his sister that she needs to just stop her affair and go back to her spouse and work it out. then barely 2 months later he does the same thing.

the weird thing is that at the time he told her this, he and i were doing quite well, but he sort of snapped after that - i think it is MLC - he told me that he looked in the mirror one day and got really freaked about who he was and what he was doing - then came the motorbike followed by the affair, black bashing every aspect of our marriage to great exageration and then moving out.

i think there are commitment phobe issues too - he obviously can't commit to trying to work it out with me, but he's got us in totally the most painful limbo by not committing fully to leaving either. his line "if you push me right now, i'm leaving, but if you let me be,,,,,"

everytime i've tried to nudge slightly - asking when he will take the rest of his stuff or how we should tie up loose ends, he gets really pained and within a day i'm listening to the "i'm so conflicted " conversation with tears, including "i have to pursue this other thing right now"

i guess i'm the one who needs to just let go and detach , right?

on a positive note - i get to have my beautiful son with me full time for 25 days - even after 6 mos, i find it painful when he's at H's for a whole week, though i talk to him everyday and also keep him after school for at least a couple of afternoons.

tomorow i go to see a new counselor who is pro-marriage and i'm hoping like hell she's heard of michell and read her books,,, let's see how that pans out

thanks for reading

and btw - this is horribly frustrating - to keep writing and no feedback - i'm down on pg 7 and can't imagine that anyone even gets there to read! how long is this moderation for? or is it for a certain amount of posts

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2225488 - 02/27/12 04:41 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2513
Loc: Piney Land
Zig I'm gonna say it again. You sound like an amazing woman and if you feel like crying go for it. I like that you were able to identify some of the causes. I also got resentful and angry. Don't beat yourself up can't change what you did but you can change from this day forward (stole this from 25)you will hear from her soon. keep poating even if yuou get no responses. People are reading just waiting for the right moment. I will post Sandis 37 rules. read them carefully. We are here for you

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2225492 - 02/27/12 04:45 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
horsewnoname Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 32
Yeah somehow you have got to stay positive. Try mindfullness meditation - check out Jon Kabat-Zinn's book Whevever You Go There You Are. Corny title but it works.

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#2225507 - 02/27/12 05:47 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 753
zig,

take a deep breath. i believe you are on moderation until you reach a certain number of posts. then they will start showing up in real time. in the mean time, check out other posts on the board and make comments there as well. this will allow other members to get to know you and look up your sitch.

sounds like you are on the right path. also the backslides are normal. just get back up and keep going.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2225692 - 02/28/12 09:45 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thank you rick

and thanks for the list - i have been reading other posts and am pleased that you posted them in a reply to me so that it is easier for me to find and reread.

so yesterday i saw a marriage counselor and i really liked her - ALOT and she is pro marriage and solution oriented, which i am very pleased about.

i came out of there with a little bounce in my walk - and a smile on my face. for so many years i've been told how messed up i am emotionally - and she really let me know that apart from a little depression, which is understandable in this sich, she couldn't find a "diagnosis" for me - in other words, you are waaay more sane than you realize!

i really needed that confirmation. both my first husband and my present one, i felt, always hid behind my problems and always said that it was my problems that caused all the [censored] in the relationship and we never ever dealt with theirs or even mentioned them.

now its funny almost , in this situation - the one who's handling it amazingly well is me, and H is quite the mess

oh well..

thank you for your encouragement.

btw - the list of things that i messed up and completely admit to, is very long and i'm still realizing more stuff and understanding what H had to deal with. at the same time, i'm starting to see more and more, the things that i don't want and were really hard for me to deal with

thanks for your support - it means a lot to me
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2225697 - 02/28/12 09:52 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: barely floating]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
hi barelyfloating -

yippee i think i just got off moderation. when i wrote my last post, it posted immediately!!

thank-you - i am taking so many deep breathes all through the day that sometimes i wonder that i don't outright hyperventilate!!

thanks for reassuring me about the backslides - i have barely made any but the one last thursday made me really nervous.

one thing i have to work on is not having "emotional" conversations with him - he always pulls me into them and i am getting better at remaining more detached. i also have to work on my anger issues, that are arising a bit now - recent discoveries and what is coming up in the following week are a lot for me to handle and wrap my mind around.

the most difficult part of this situation has been that he uses the fact that we have a son, and constant contact as a way to constantly keep the sich chaotic and complicated.

of course, i realize that i am allowing that on a certain level to and i am going to start focusing on not doing that any more

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2225704 - 02/28/12 10:16 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
so to continue this saga

H is leaving on a work trip this thursday. i've known about it for 2 months and also discovered right after it was planned that instead of flying straight abroad he had planned to meet his sister in another town in the same state that OW lives in.

so he's flying there and staying in the hotel with his sis, and ow is coming there to join him for 5 days and seeing him off when he leaves.

he was here a couple of days ago and got on my computer and left his mail open there - and later when i went to use my computer there was his mail open and i saw a message from his sis and i went and looked at it -

he had told his mom that ow was coming there to join him for just one day and he was really worried about telling me (until last week he had no idea that i knew, and he wanted me to know because he wanted to be able to call and skype our son before he flew abroad) because he thought i would be really angry, but mostly because 3 months ago i told him that i didn't want to know ANYTHING about the affair and he needed to plan his visits with ow during the week i had our son, so i didn't need to know about it.

well i found out that ow is there the whole five days with them and H and ow are even going to babysit sister's gf's little girl while they are at work.

so the story about his sister: she was married to a woman and during the second year had an affair with another woman and she and her wife split up and divorced. sis is still with the ow , who is married to a man, where they both have an open relationship but stay together because they have 6 yr old little girl. sis and ow work for the same company and travel together for the shows.

so H and his sis are now in cahoots about what they are both doing in their lives and since i found out 2 days ago, i am really struggling with the feelings of betrayal from my sister in law.

when she was here at x'mas we talked alot - and i thought she left understanding more of what the situation was. she adores our son, and they have an extremely close and wonderful relationship, and now here i am with this info, and all i can think is - why is she risking her relationship with our son, because stuff like this always comes out and how does she think it will affect all of us?

what i realize now, is that both H and his sister just want to have fun - and anything that stands in the way of them having fun is just rejected and seen by them as a huge emotional threat. they are so busy having fun right now, that neither of them can stop to think of the consequences of this kind of thing.

i am SO TEMPTED to call her up and say that i know about this and what on earth does she think she's doing?

my mil and i are extremely close, and contrary to the "rules" above, she and i have talked everyday and she knows every detail of what is going on - except this last piece of info. she knows that they both are lying to her about this trip - and she is working almost as hard as i am to find the right things for me to do in order to save this marriage - but how can i tell her this. both she and H's dad are utterly pained by what both their kids have done within 2 years of each other and i think that finding out that now they are all 4 of them and the little girl going to be hanging out for 5 days...


any advice on what i should do here? i don't get to see the therapist until the 7th and there wasn't time to tell her or ask her about this yesterday at the first appointment.

i'm trying to just let it go - but this sich is just getting too much

what should i do - just keep quiet and leave the in-laws out of this? or allow H and sis to skype our son and lie in his face everyday for 5 days. (last trip H behaved on skype in the most bizarre ways so that son was very upset after every session).

thanks ofr any advice here
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2225705 - 02/28/12 10:19 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
ps

i think the reason i am SO upset about this info even though i've known for 2 months they are meeting up is the idea that H and ow are going to babysit that kid, like they are all one new happy family.

sorry for venting for so long
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2225721 - 02/28/12 11:45 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Venting is good and this is the place to do it. Get that GAL going..
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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