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Ohh, I don't think the "diagnosis" matters, you still can only work on you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: zig
how does one figure out if this is MLC or WAS and does it matter which one - do you do different things?

Comfusion = MLC

What you DO does not change.


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Originally Posted By: zig
struggling again -

i need a knock upside the head. every time i get to a slightly better place in myself, he'll do something that will set me off and then i realize all over again how NOT detached i really am


You're seeing the reason this is called a "roller coaster ride". You're going to be up & down with various things that happen.

Detaching is a process and its doesn't seem to be a fast one. We all need that knock on the head to get us back on a better track. That's why we come to this board.

Use the event to recognize what it is that is drawing you back in emotionally to the crazy ride. Then learn from it. Its not easy, its not quick, but take every opportunity to learn it and the detaching will get better.

I'm sure Bug's link will provide a lot more insight on detachment. Wish it were easier. But the reality is what it is and once we accept what is reality, then we can be better prepared to handle ourselves in that reality.

Hope your day goes better.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Zig this was my daily reading for today. Fits me, maybe it will strike a chord in you.

Peace

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.

Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.

Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.Melody Beattie

Since childhood I can remember worrying over problems and thinking "If I stop worrying then it's out of my control" and really bad things might happen. It's taken all these years to realize that worrying does not give me control. Let it go is the best act of control I have.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Bug - That really resonates with me, thank you for posting it. Is that in Codependent No More? I have that sitting here, been reading it in spurts. It gets hard to keep reading self-help material, but that may make me force myself again.

I'm also completely with you on the "if I stop worrying" bit. Like I was somehow the most important person in the world and MY worry was going to change things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm trying.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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It's from "The Language of Letting Go"

Glad it helped.

I always thought if I worried enough I would some up with THE Solution.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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thanks labug - did a lot of reading last night - need to keep doing that, it helps to calm down:)


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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you're right - i think my question came during a moment when i was doing the proverbial "grasping for straws" thing!

labug - you are right it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is - it's about me and working on myself

i'm getting it, it's getting through to me - inch by painful inch...


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Zig,

I have been in a pair of shoes very similar to the ones you are wearing now. I didn’t like the lying, it’s ridiculous and after a while I just said no more. I just told my ex that I wasn’t going to live my life lying about the things she does. I quit and let her find her own way. I did so much soul searching and why in the world should I lie for someone that wasn’t being responsible? I don’t want to tell you that this is your only choice. I just know it worked for me at the time. Think everything through and do what works for you and your S. You will find the answers once you accept what is happening.

I grasped for many straws. It’s part of this journey and when you finally really detach things will become so much easier. The best way I thought about detachment was “ if you love them set them free”. It’s hard for a while and it’s a process little by little day by day. You just start working on it a little at a time every minute and every second. You are going to have good and bad days then the good days will start coming more often. Then one day you will just accept that these are your H choices and we have no control over the choices that anyone make but ourselves. Have faith in yourself and you will find your way through the fog.

Something else that helped me and you have to have a very strong mind to get to this point. Start becoming the one that walked away. Tell yourself that you are leaving him every day. I thought about this every day until I really did feel this way. The funny thing about us humans is we always want something we can’t have. I decided to change the dynamics of my sitch and it helped. I look at things completely different than some people and I didn’t save my marriage. I did save myself and I still have days that I miss my ex they just don’t come as often. I am a good man and I worry about her often I just realized that it’s best to let them travel this journey on their own. When you do finally detach everything just becomes so dang clear and you feel a huge weight lifted off your chest. Now my ex is nice as pie the lying is still there and I have accepted that they are so far behind that it will take them a while to catch up. That’s not making an excuse for anything that they do those are their choices not ours. They have to live with the guilt of their choices we don’t.

Time is going to be your best friend through all of this.

Take care!


Me 44
W 38
M 18
D 18
D 13
Bomb 10/21/2010
Divorced 7/19/2011
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sorry for taking so long to reply - my computer was giving me trouble

"Use the event to recognize what it is that is drawing you back in emotionally to the crazy ride. Then learn from it"

that is very good advice and i am going to start doing that (grin)

i think -i keep getting my hopes up when there is any little positive sign and then reality hits and i crash.

that's where the no expectations thing really comes in, i know, so i am going to focus on that

after reading what you wrote, i am also realizing that just recognizing that the ups and downs are part of it, is what makes it a tiny bit easier to handle

thank-you ces


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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