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For me it was "I can't hug or kiss you, because it feels like a lie."

It's especially hard for me, since I now know that my love language is touch and physical affection, and J was always physically affectionate in the hugging/kissing arena.

It is pretty amazing that so many people read from the same script in the same way.

My best wishes to us all as we work on ourselves, GAL, and try to turn our marriage around.

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I'll be honest...before I read DB and DR I was in begging, pleading, rationalizing stage. He IS a pilot and aerospace engineer and is VERY logical, I replied to this hogwash, "Well, you have been screwing around on me for 2 years...how did you think you were supposed to feel about me? You HAVE NOT been treating me like your wife...."

So....now I am just detaching from his stuff the best I can. Keep in mind, he landed from a trip and has been texting me from his rented room across town. Every time my iPhone chimes, my heart sinks.

He tried to make a plan to meet S16 after his job this afternoon. S16 said, nope, have plans. It hurts my heart for all of them (S18 won't speak to him). I know I cannot manage their relationship but I am so afraid he is going to take this as an excuse that it is "too late" and things have "gone too far" and give up on us entirely. A GF said, if he does then he really is shallow and self centered. Easy to hear, hard to swallow. I am afraid since I am in my LRT that this will be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Heaven help us all, indeed. My Jesus Calling devotional on Feb 29 was "you are on the right path" and it is "lonely human wise." I try to hold on to this.

Bless you ladies....


Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
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I never answered the question about my private journal. It's on Livejournal.com, since Livejournal will let you set it up to a "Friends only" setting where only the people you allow to read the entries can read it. I email my entries to my IC every day.

J and I are at the "please and thank you" point. I am away from home all day today (working on a special project at work), and he has been working 10-hour shifts the past two days. We have two older doggies that need tending, and usually I do that, since he had work and school. I asked him if he would please take care of the dogs tonight and he said he would. I had to call the vet and re-order meds for oldest doggie and told J that if he could not get around to getting the refill from the vet, I'd do it tomorrow. He emailed me later to tell me that he's picked up the meds and I thanked him, telling him that I really appreciated him doing that.

Most people have a hard time with the fact that J is still staying in our house, but I am not ready for him to move out, and he is making no moves to do so that I'm aware of. He chooses to spend time with me at night, watching television, and we make pleasant conversation, then go to bed. Not having him going to bed with me has been one of the hardest things for me.

Still, I'm taking "please and thank you" as a baby step forward, and hoping for the best while working on myself.

J wants to go out on his own on St. Patrick's Day with work friends, something he's NEVER wanted to do before. I said "okay" (not the hill I want to die on) and made plans to go out with my friend for a luncheon tea. I'm making the reservations tomorrow.

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Oh, "Most People" = my group of a few friends that I talk to on FB about this, friends I've had for many years. No family members know what's going on between J and I right now, and as far as I'm concerned, it's going to stay that way. None of our mutual friends know either, and again, that's how it's going to stay on my end.

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Originally Posted By: justkelly
For me it was "I can't hug or kiss you, because it feels like a lie."


Oh lord. I got "I can't even kiss you properly because it feels like you are a relative." Our MC says that H has "neutered" me and we are working on this in therapy. It is so deeply ingrained at this point that I don't know if he can get over it. I am working on detachment so that whether he gets over it or not is his business.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
I'll be honest...before I read DB and DR I was in begging, pleading, rationalizing stage. He IS a pilot and aerospace engineer and is VERY logical, I replied to this hogwash, "Well, you have been screwing around on me for 2 years...how did you think you were supposed to feel about me? You HAVE NOT been treating me like your wife...."


Yep, I was in this stage, too. I think most of us do this at first. I was so shocked and desperate that I wanted to hold on at any cost. I remember hours of crying and trying to convince him that what we had was too good to throw away. It was miserable. I got physically ill and could not eat for 3 days. I am NEVER doing that again. I felt that I had no control over my life and that it would be over if H left. What I have found is that this is not true. We are in charge -- of ourselves and our own lives. I still feel the "hole" that my H left behind, but, more and more, that hole is being filled by my own "wholeness" as a better human being. How cheesy is that? LOL.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Well said, mimi!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Learning that I am the one who controls my feelings and reactions is probably the hardest lesson I have ever had. I keep re-reading DR and taking comfort from it.

J and I are still on good terms today as far as I know. When I got home last night he was still up, but we did not spend any time together. He looked so tired and miserable (he's working 10-hour days this week), that I told him that I would take the dogs to bed and go read so he could go on to sleep.

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So last night J had dinner with me. It's the first time I've cooked dinner for us in quite a while. He stayed in his room most of the night on the 'net. I stayed in the living room filling jewelry orders (we have an Etsy shop on top of our regular jobs), and watching television. I made sure to give him all the time and distance I could and didn't bother him. He didn't want to spend time with me at all. He'd barely even smile at me, though I did not change my attitude from being upbeat, friendly and undemanding.

Today he emails me while I'm at a work conference to tell me that he is going to be late home tonight and that he needs some time alone. The last time he said he needed time alone, it was because he was so angry with what he called my impostor, trying to win him back that he had to get away. Now that I've started acting with loving distance and giving him space, I think he may be angry with me again, but for what I'm not sure this time.

Someone out there who has been on the other side of this, please help.

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You can't know what he's thinking right now. He may not even be sure. He may be confused by your 180s (giving him space when he wants it) and questions things. All you can do is to continue giving him the space that he says he wants and get on with your life. I have not been to the "other side" per say, but things are always more peaceful and cordial between me and my H when I am firmly practicing LRT and GALing. I think the loving distance you've been practicing is excellent. He will talk when he is ready to. Good luck.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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