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Thank you Gabby... I read this post while at a Board meeting tonight and thought the same thing.

Crimson... it's easy to do, I know. I do it too. You assume that her problems with the world must be because of you. After all, what is in her life that is bigger than you?

But you know what? Who cares. Maybe her problems are related to you. But if she isn't going to tell you then what are you to do about them? So if she tells you specifically then you can do something about it, if you want to. If she doesn't... well, then there's lots of other stuff that can make her world not good.

Tonight my W was pretty cross when we left S's P/T conference. It was after I looked at SD's report card and apparently didn't notice something she wanted me to notice. I was upset. She was cross with me and I felt it was unfair. But then I stepped back... was this really it? Or is it more likely court on Friday or SS's pending conference or bills or god knows what else.

So I dismissed it. Previously I would've fixated and texted or called her to try and fix it. But just let it go. She'll get over it or she won't.

Your W has lots going on. She'll deal with or she won't. In either event it's highly unlikely it's you specifically.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Crimson I'm ordering you to lighten up. Take up MMA or something to let all the crap out...don't worry so much! Join Fight Club! I'm saying this in jest and as a friend. DUDE you have to learn to shut the freakout-ometer off. You have to deal with this before your M resumes.

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Ok Tenbears...er bus.....did the google search....had actually heard of that!

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well Big C, this is a long one...but there are a lot of subjects to address. Everything from poop routines to marital issues from Piaget to Brazelton and Spock on child rearing.

Okay, I don't buy that Crimson is "more invested" in his son.

1) His wife isn't uninvolved or acting selfish vis a vis son, and 2) according to Crimson, Crimson is new to all this.

(Crimson--I don't mean to make you wince...but to refresh other lurkers or WHG, and to explain my comments^^^---)

Per Crimson, Crimson never changed a diaper before this. He never read a book to his son before this, never "took him places" including daycare, before this. He never put son to bed before all this. SHE did all of it.

So no, I don't believe that he's more invested than his wife. His involvement in son is new, and that might be getting more noticed by his son, but geez, his son is barely 2 so IDK...

Crimson, you may be right about the vocal tone and inflection being stronger or louder and something your son may notice more. Geez, our dogs listen to h better than me, although they slink in shame around him too...but I'm with them all day!! One raised voice from h and they OBEY...(hey, I'm just sayin')

anyhow I would not speculate a lot to your wife about it, in any way that could possibly be seen as critical of her. We are all sensitive with our first children/motherhood issues and from our spouse-it hurts more. Tread carefully.

Do you have more of a routine w/him? Maybe your w is more spontaneous, and there can be One downside to that...IDK...

My h was rarely around son in h's first year of med school, so son was with me FAR more, Yet son was more compliant with h. WTH?

Son slept more, and faster, and ate better when he was w/h while I was in night classes-(I finished law school at night, which could have been worse, and I only had one semester left...When people stare at us b/c it sounds insane, we tell them "but Son was born prematurely...by about 5 years"...

we adapted the plans we made b/c God had made His own plans, thankfully... cool


In a way it kind of seemed unfair to me that others got more "good behavior" from son than I did (but son was never a "terrible two year old" or a brat. Just got cranky at times and more demanding, with ME)...

Then I began working full time and son was at a wonderful nanny's home. She loved son and got him on a schedule and he always behaved and followed HER routine.

I was hospitalized while pregnant with our 2nd child ( 1d). Our son began watching the same 2-3 movies constantly (e.g., "Lady & the Tramp" "Sleeping Beauty" and "Milo & Otis") This made the nanny worry.

Son watched those films probably 100 times in a 60 or 90 day period. Nanny was alarmed.

But Our fav pediatrician quoted some "expert" who I LIKED A LOT...b/c she said "kids like predictability in general, and even more so in times of crisis." That made a lot of sense to me.

So he watched the movies when I got home from the hospital too (I wasn't that physically active then anyhow) and at that time, when he asked about watching a "moonie", I always said "SURE!"

Today - Son is a great young man. He's kind, smart and happy. He graduated from an excellent university w/honors, and is now very much in love w/ a young woman I myself would have chosen for him!!...(Heck Yes I AM one grateful mother!!)

Point is, I guess all his digestive problems, his uber pickiness as an eater, his "disparate treatment" of me w/his bedtime ordeals, all seem to have worked themselves out
...
yours will too.

oh one last thought on this topic, to reassure you--when I joined the Army (b/c "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em)"
there was a 15 week training period I had to attend, without my family.
Thankfully, the JAG Corps (the branch in the Army for Lawyers) school was only 3 hours drive from where we lived. I went home every weekend I could.

Still, this was very very hard on me and son, and h. My mother helped out as best she could.

That 15 weeks was the longest 15 weeks of my life.

but Crimson---3 things happened b/c of that hard time apart.

1) H bonded with our son way more than he would have otherwise.

2) my mom helped a lot at night, too. She & son permanently bonded in a way she has not with other 27 grandchildren, (including my other children). She's still close to son. Though her dementia has increased, her recall of son is strong and he visits her more often than any other grandchild does.

So Crimson, the "pay offs" from that time together, still live on & keep growing, & yield fruit beyond what I had imagined or hoped.
Even though she forgets most of my nieces/nephews names now, or what I just said 10 minutes earlier, she recognizes Son. lights up when he visits and is overjoyed to see him. They have a special bond that would not have happened, but for those 15 weeks. I know this.


3) Finally, back then at bedtime, son learned that I would NOT come rushing in after 3 minutes of his crying. SO son learned to soothe himself, and if I'd been there, maybe I would have hindered that.
that improved the quality of son's sleep AND MINE... smile

Turns out that Army separation was a blessing in disguise.

Dr. Brazelton said

"your baby needs to be able to rely on parents for all his NEEDS,

b/c meeting his needs creates security in the child (ie so the child has an optimistic view that the world is a good place to be) and

security breeds independence.


I liked that, and I really took it to heart.

I wonder if it applies to adults too. As in,

If we know our needs will be met in our marriage (physical & emotional and in each other's love languages), we learn that our marriage is a safe relationship

and that creates security/trust

and

that trust & security, creates stronger more independent, happier adults (no co-dependency!!)

Just food for thought.

RE the poop problems....okay a fav topic around here...

boy do I recall those times vividly with our son...

Crimson, surely you can give your child softeners (NOT the same as "stimulating laxatives" - which can over stimulate and hurt w/painful cramps, unless a ped prescribes, obviously)

but don't freak about it all.

In retrospect, so much of this seems like it is a rite of passage for parents!


If it makes you feel better, I took son to the ER two or three times as an infant/toddler, for what can now only be described, in hindsight, as constipation...(and my h was in medical school)

I recall reading the doctor's notes. He wrote that son was "wailing in distress" and "patient seems inconsolable". I thought son was dying but turns out, maybe he just needed to poop. OMG... blush

SIGH...Crimson, this too, shall pass. (No pun intended...but I like it)

As for helping your sick/stressed w, some say offering to help is enough.

But if no action is taken & you sort of "knew" she'd refuse a verbal offer of help, it may ring hollow to her.

OTOH, that may be fine b/c she seems to want space...
Plus-- you do have son, so that might be the biggest thing you can do for her. (And make no mistake, she'll notice & she will take in the fact that if you are not around for son when she is sick, let alone help HER...she'll be alone). No need to point that out. She gets it.

But maybe a small gesture IF & only if you feel compelled, (and others can fire away if they want, it's not written in stone)

would be to drop off a meal or favorite food of hers, and leave it there.

And or maybe take son for extra time while she takes a bath or nap or sees a doctor (don't suggest it, but you could ask her if she had thought about it, offer to sit for son if so). No parent wants to spread their illness to their child.

The food you make (or buy, come to think of it) needs to be something healthy that you KNOW SHE likes/loves, that she can re-heat and enjoy...not something YOU stick around for though. Drop and leave, like a delivery guy. NO expectations...

It's just a small gesture for the ill mother of your child. Make light of it but be clear that is is just a small gesture for her...

It's those small thoughtful acts, imo, that build trust in the changes...not so much the big dramatic showy ones.

I know you offered to help. But in your sitch I would DO at least one small act or gesture that isn't at all controlling (like taking her to the doctor with whom YOU made an appointment for her without asking...NOT COOL unless she's unconscious...

Regardless Crimson, she already feels sick and stressed out, so you cannot have expectations, b/c that would ADD stress. You need to Really really get that.

Okay? Okay!

Sending you big hugs!

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Rick1963 - I will correct you where I think you are wrong. I have posted on other threads since joining the board -albeit not frequently - and I have been very honest historically as to why in my postings.

I am so new to this and still trying to figure out exactly what I am doing, how to handle my emotions what TO and NOT TO do. When I think I have something of value to post that can help someone - I post. Otherwise, I do a lot of reading of other threads and situations - but leave it to people that are more in the know than I to guide and advise. I don't think that is weak or selfish. I will concede to the point you made of me possibly being that "lost" - I do feel that way and have not tried to conceal it.

I think people contribute to this board in one of two ways, afterall - it IS "crowd-sourced". 1.) You are either someone that has really been through the mill or been here for awhile and really know your stuff - or just are in a better place to guide OR 2.) you post honestly and openly and hope that through other people guiding you others on the board will read and learn from your situation - I know for a fact that that has happened with me - on both the giving and receiving end.

I also do not agree with your assesment that people are tippy-toeing around me here, or anywhere else for that matter. I have been smacked dead between the eyes with a claw hammer more than once in my threads if people think I am off base or going the wrong way. 10 times out of 10 they have been right - and I was dead wrong. This medium provides for a lot of anonimity which makes having to walk on eggshells for people not that necessary. Check anything that has come from 25, Mach1, Sandi and a small list of others - they are direct, frank and brutally honest. And I, in turn, am grateful and hope that others benefit from reading the exchange.

This is not meant to be combative or defensive - just wanted to peacefully address what you brought up.

Crimson

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25 - thanks for you typically isightful reply. In no particular order I cover a few things.

I did consider bringing by some food for her a day or two ago. Just in the manner you suggested - "hello....take food....good-bye". However, she texted me asking me not to come by because she needed rest. I respected that and stayed away. I think she gets edgy because during these times in her life she typicaly lets house keeping and other stuff go - and if history is any teacher, she didn't want me to see all of that.

I know that she is/was dreadfully stressed and I did not toss gas on the fire. I said I was available if she needed me and that was about it. She called this morning to talk to the baby and I told her that he was still sleeping - she was shocked and said "that littler stinker! he never sleeps this late for me!". She was on her way to work when she called so I am thinking she is feeling at least a little better. Clearly not 100%, but trying to get there. She said she would be better when she sees S. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never know what triggered everything - but should not assume it was me.

Re: S and the terrible 2's. It is becoming more evident that he exhibits different behaviors depending on who he is with. Already it is clear that he sleeps his arse off at my place and does not sleep well with her. Funny things is, either way the ball breaks on this matter I am OK with is. I am suprised with how much crying and screaming I can take and still remain cool and not think it is a result of something I did. As long as I know he is not in pain or suffering somehow - I am juuuuust fine letting him cry if he can't drink syrup for dinner (yes, that really happened). I know that this is a developmental stage that will be filled with a lot of principle battles that we can't afford to lose. I think W and I are aligned on that opinion - despite the fact that I think it hits her harder.

The GI problems he is having sound just like what you experienced. He has already been to the ER once and the ped countless times. Still he struggles to poo at times and this TOTALLY is freaking my W out. She feels that something is really wrong and no one is giving us concrete answers. Somehow - I am not too concerned right now because I have heard of other parents having this issue. Right now, I have carved out dairy from his diet (as per ped GI doc) and he gets Mirilax daily. He'll be OK, and I don't think this is severe - but I CANNOT meet my w's concern with indifference right now. She always felt tha I never vauled her opinion on things - so I am letting her lead on this one and I support her decisions/conclusions.

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Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Crimson I have never posted to u, I don't think? What strikes me is that u have never posted to anyone else? Are u that weak, selfish, lost? The way I see it is that everyone tippy toes around u even on this board. Not sure why yet but I think your sitch would be further along if we were more direct with u. Correct me if I'm wrong. It is all about taking that leap.


Rick1963, read the whole thread-all of them. If you have, then your post makes no sense. I wonder if you might be confusing Crimson with someone else???

I've been like many posters here---meaning, VERY direct with Crimson and he's taken it like a man who is willing to do brave inner work and has truly changed.

In fact, I think he's one of maybe 3 or 4 men I've "met" here, in my 6 years posting, that has truly been confronted with brutally honest feedback

and he's taken it all in and made serious changes within.


Since when have I ever tiptoed around someone? The only times I do that is when I believe the recipient is too raw or emotionally incapable of processing criticism...Crimson is NOT incapable of that at all.

I don't know where you are coming from or why you'd choose THIS MAN to say this to. Frankly, your post baffles me.

No one has tiptoed around HIM...are you sure you have the right person? B/c I think you are completely off base here. Or projecting your fears about how people post to you? It just occurred to me you might have been sarcastic. Was that it? I can't tell with the written word, but if you are joking THEN I get it...

Otherwise you just have the wrong person in mind or

you are ignoring a boatload of feedback this guy has gotten. If you are not kidding, then you're just wrong. I hate using that word, but it's applicable here.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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ps

I also have no problem with him not posting to others yet. He's working on himself and I'd guess he does not yet feel qualified to comment on others.

I do have a problem with inexperienced posters who are not constructive,
and or- do not base their feedback on DB principles...

So when he's ready, I am confident Crimson will make significant positive contributions.

His thread has already triggered a lot of growth for many who read it.


People witnessing Crimson's journey on these threads, (and his journey is among the bravest I've seen), have learned A LOT and that has tremendous value.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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C, just to throw in my parenting perspective on things....

Though there are some tangible behaviors exhibited by your S (sleeping in late for you) there is much going on that just flies below the radar. I used to come home from 20 minutes at the grocery store and ask where 5yo S was, and H would say, "I don't know, he was here just a minute ago" (read 20 minutes.) I'm not relaying this to say H was a bad father, but just that it didn't bother him if he didn't know where/what S was doing every second, whereas I could tell you where he was, what he was doing, what sort of mood he was in, how many times he tooted, etc. Of course it was easier for H. Of course S was happier with him because he wasn't being monitored every second. And he didn't necessarily need to be because our house is relatively safe. Neither one of us was better than the other, but our individual styles warranted different responses from S. Now take that reality and compound it with the complications of your separation and the effects are exponential.

Or it could just be as simple as his easier for you because its his home that he's had since he was born.

Over-analyzing is fun! (*wink-wink*)

BTW, wasn't there an IC session or two scheduled for this week? Or am I off a week?


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Crimson - FWIW I agree with CV's perspective on this. For years my W has been critical of the fact that our kids behaved differently around me than her. Even today, with them being considerably older, she still has this complaint.

When they were very young, I would have no problem getting them to bed and to sleep in very short order. While there were times when she struggled. She often complained about the fact that they would be fussy with her all day and as soon as I walked in the room they would calm down,

I don't know what the root of that is other than perhaps what CV describes in her post. How mothers care for children is often very different than how fathers care for children. It doesn't make either one bad, just different and I suspect that it all plays into their overall emotional development.

Mothers have a tendency to keep very tight control on their kids, especially when they are very young. Fathers I think tend to be more permissive, letting the kids explore and learn for themselves. Again, not good or bad, just different.

As I reflect back on the very young periods in their lives I remember a time when S10 was maybe 6-9 mos old and he cried all night from the time he was put to bed until I couldn't take it anymore. Some time around 4:30am I finally got up and said that's it we're going for a drive. And off we went. At about the 100 mile mark, he finally fell asleep. So I kept driving certain he would wake as soon as I stopped.

The benefit of that particular event was that my W finally got to get a few hours sleep, my son finally fell asleep and although I was dead tired, I got to experience a spectacular sunrise out in the middle of the Texas hill country.

My W's memory is that he was fussy and she was tired and that's about it. My memory was that he was fussy and I was tired BUT I also saw a beautiful sunrise and got my son back to sleep.

So I guess my point is babies and small children will behave differently around each parent individually and also differently when both are present. It just goes with the territory.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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