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#2228066 - 03/06/12 04:29 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
[quote[I asked if there was anything I could do to help - she said no, that she just needed rest.[/quote]That's it. You asked, she answered. Keep asking or keep going at it and it's you knowing better than her. If she wants help she's going to have to ask or at least say yes.

I know it's hard. Last night I did the same thing after my W told me she's lost another five pounds and said some things. But I limited it to one question, "I worry about you, are you doing ok?" She said no, she's not, but she's working on it and thinks she'll figure it out. Ok. End of discussion then.

Quote:
I don't want her to get any worse.
This will sound harsh, but not your problem. You don't want her to get any worse, but it's also outside your control or influence. If you feel the need to do something then focus on your son and yourself.

Quote:
For now, I will just respect her and let her rest.
And I had to cite this statement because it just struck me as a not good thing... for now? At some point you won't respect her words and ride on in? Push the issue? She's not your child, she's your W and an adult. You can control you. If you want to plan for what happens when/if she completely falls apart and you end up with your S full-time, that's an option I suppose. But you don't take care of her. Not unless she asks for the help, and then you may not want to either.

You no longer have a duty to her. She is acting as if she is not married. You are acting as if you are. That is not an equal relationship between two adults.

I know... she's the mother of your child, trust me I completely get this. I am there too. But if a friend completely fell apart and came to you asking for help, what would you do? Would you take them in? Would you house them? Financially support them? Those are questions you need to ask. At this point she is your friend, maybe. Set that boundary and use it as your guide.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2228069 - 03/06/12 04:37 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
"I always wonder if she is eating enough, etc. - I don't think the pace of all of these activities is sustainable for her over the long haul. Is the best thing I can do right now "nothing"? I don't have any plans to ride in on a white horse and save the day - just hate to see her suffering and unable to deal with it.

It's hard to balance genuine care and concern against keep the appropriate amount of distance. I don't want her to get any worse. For now, I will just respect her and let her rest. Thoughts?"


Crimson, check out recent events over the past few days on my sitch and the advice I've received from others and you'll have your answer.

Don't solve anything for her, don't fix, don't fuss, don't do anything but "respect her and let her rest."
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2228081 - 03/06/12 05:10 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Originally Posted By: Crimson
It's hard to balance genuine care and concern against keep the appropriate amount of distance. I don't want her to get any worse. For now, I will just respect her and let her rest. Thoughts?


IMO, this is your answer. You've offered and she's declined. Now stop and just keep an eye out. If something happens that you feel is life threatening, step in. Otherwise, her struggle may be what she needs to face what is happening with her.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228088 - 03/06/12 05:28 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: ces67]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1293
To clarify, by "for now" I meant that if something looks dire - where she is a threat to herself or S - then I will be a bit more involved. I do NOT expect that at all, and it would have to be something that is PLAINLY OBVIOUS and indicative of the fact that something in 100% our of whack. In light of that, I will remain in my own space and let her be.

I know things will start to get harder for me too, soon. I am bracing for it. However, I am starting to notice that he gives her a harder time than he does me. Maybe it's my size and kinda loud voice -- I don't know. She complains that he gets up at 5:30 at her place. At my place (formerly "our") he sleeps till 8 or later on the weekends. Things just seem to be "different" based on who he is with. Granted, yes - he DID dump all of his food on the floor this morning in protest of me taking him away from his tv show - and yes, that landed him in time out. But for the moment, I seem to be able to deal with it OK.

Part of me looks at this and wants to help - even if it IS really minor. However, part of me says this is just an effect of the choices she has made (I do NOT say that in a vendictive manner). Still, seeing her in a hard place is difficult for me to just "observe" - but that is where I am and that is what I will do.

You all may be right - maybe she needs this struggle right now.

Crimson

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#2228096 - 03/06/12 05:41 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
However, I am starting to notice that he gives her a harder time than he does me.
Or it may be that you're invested in him more than she is. Kids, and more so the younger they are, are incredibly ego-centric creatures. The entire world exists for, about, and around them. Therefore when the world is not revolving around them and their needs, they ensure that the world knows this.

Typically this manifests in one of three ways. The most common is acting out to garner negative attention. The second is overachieving to garner praise. The third is to assume some type of "victim" status (tummyaches, fatigue, undefined symptoms, etc...) so they are taken care of.

If your W is as wrapped in herself as it sounds (and as many WAS are) then it really shouldn't be a surprise if he's more of a handful there. He wants attention, and since he's two he's going to get it. Based on the changes you've appeared to make so far it also makes sense that he's less of a handful for you because he gets attention therefore he doesn't have to go seek it.

I see it with my S (he's five). I have always been much more invested in him, and now that she is alone with three kids it's doubly so. She routinely complains that he is such a handful and she struggles with him. I used to give advice now I don't. If she asks for ideas then I share strategies that work for me.

But "spend time with your kid instead of yourself (and watching Spongebob while you're on the computer doesn't count)" is a hard message to deliver in a manner that isn't insulting.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2228101 - 03/06/12 05:56 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: workinghardguy]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1293
Not sure on that one, WHG - you may be right, but I know she spends a LOT of time with him. Hell, she doesn't even have a TV in her house so the ability for EITHER of them to tune the other out might be a bit hard. She does enjoy him, and they go everywhere together.

My take is this -- and I am no professional. I suspect that now that he is coming out of the cute and cuddly phase and starting to assert himself a bit more the romantic vision of motherhood (SINGLE motherhood, especially) is starting to vanish and the harder parts are starting to appear. Furthermore, and I can say this of myself as well, the prospect of having to deal with that all by yourself with no backup is pretty frightening - becasue at this stage it is fairly obvious that it will get worse before it gets better. AND, as mentioned before, neither of us really has a back-up or "relief pitcher" - we have no shelter when it gets to be too much.

I could be wrong, but I think that is a big part of it. And let's face it - she has a lot of balls in the air right now with the D and L's and other garbage going on. Again, I know there is nothing I can do - but I do feel for her. This really bites for her and me both.

Crimson

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#2228115 - 03/06/12 06:41 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: ]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Really, Crimson I think all of the advise you got here was basically the same message.

Your W must be needing some down time right about now - the MC, single parenting, the D sitch, so much. It's probably a good thing for all of you that she has a no strings attached time out.

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#2228200 - 03/06/12 09:26 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: rickb89]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1293
So here is a general WAW question regarding where I am today and where my W is today. - Is this part of the WAW process?

By that, I mean the sudden onset of stress and stress-based depression? W does not seem to be doing well today at all - sounds "dead" and listless...almost drugged. The combination of everything that is going on at once has got to be crippling - filing for D, moving out, raising a toddler, learning to live alone, contemplating R, wanting another baby, dealing with the stress of a new job....all of that at once is pretty major. Is this kind of periodic emotional "shut down" typical with a WAW? I have no idea...and perhaps there is not real WAW "playbook".

Here's how jacked my ego is right now. I hear her sounding bad, being depressed...being stressed and I automatically think it's because of me. I feel like she is stressed because she doesn't want to reconcile, has no feelings for me. I KNOW THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE.....and I am trying to shake it....it is not all about me. But whenever I see her not doing well, I have conditioned myself to react as if I am the root cause. Like her unhappiness is directly tied to me and what I say or do. Like on bad or stressful day for her equals "no desire to save marriage".

She has said repeatedly that she just "needs rest" and is "wiped out". Maybe she is just mentally whipped. I have no idea.

Crimson

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#2228211 - 03/06/12 09:38 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think it's typical human behavior when under a lot of stress in life.

And also, about your son reacting differently with each parent. This is also pretty typical. Parents are different people with different parenting styles, personalities, types of play, stress thresholds. bottom lines. Kids begin learning this from the moment they come out of the womb. There are studies that show infants responding differently to mom and dad. Very cool stuff.

And so it follows that they learn to do what mom responds to and what dad responds to. They are smart little humans.

I would guess what you described a few posts back is just that.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2228230 - 03/06/12 10:22 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Crimson
So here is a general WAW question regarding where I am today and where my W is today. - Is this part of the WAW process?

By that, I mean the sudden onset of stress and stress-based depression? W does not seem to be doing well today at all - sounds "dead" and listless...almost drugged. The combination of everything that is going on at once has got to be crippling - filing for D, moving out, raising a toddler, learning to live alone, contemplating R, wanting another baby, dealing with the stress of a new job....all of that at once is pretty major. Is this kind of periodic emotional "shut down" typical with a WAW? I have no idea...and perhaps there is not real WAW "playbook".

Here's how jacked my ego is right now. I hear her sounding bad, being depressed...being stressed and I automatically think it's because of me. I feel like she is stressed because she doesn't want to reconcile, has no feelings for me. I KNOW THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE.....and I am trying to shake it....it is not all about me. But whenever I see her not doing well, I have conditioned myself to react as if I am the root cause. Like her unhappiness is directly tied to me and what I say or do. Like on bad or stressful day for her equals "no desire to save marriage".

She has said repeatedly that she just "needs rest" and is "wiped out". Maybe she is just mentally whipped. I have no idea.

Crimson


Crimson it's both typical WAS behavior, and typical person behavior. Seriously, my W went through this exact same thing this past weekend. I'm swear to you it's for the best. She has so much to unravel, look at, put back together. And just because we didn't do it the same way has no bearing on it.
And yeah, don't tie it all to you, and thinking it's because she realized you guys are a fail. Guess what, I did just the opposite of you. Whenever she was in the dumps I would think and feel great because i thought she is finally seeing how she "f"'ed up and will come back. And then I would be bummed when she didn't want to reconcile right then. I would set myself up to fail over and over again.

She has to do this herself, in her own time, with you just being out there silently if she needs you. And you need to keep making the progress in the newly upgraded Crimson life.

Be happy!

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