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#2228115 - 03/06/12 01:41 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: gabbysmom23]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Really, Crimson I think all of the advise you got here was basically the same message.

Your W must be needing some down time right about now - the MC, single parenting, the D sitch, so much. It's probably a good thing for all of you that she has a no strings attached time out.

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#2228200 - 03/06/12 04:26 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: rickb89]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
So here is a general WAW question regarding where I am today and where my W is today. - Is this part of the WAW process?

By that, I mean the sudden onset of stress and stress-based depression? W does not seem to be doing well today at all - sounds "dead" and listless...almost drugged. The combination of everything that is going on at once has got to be crippling - filing for D, moving out, raising a toddler, learning to live alone, contemplating R, wanting another baby, dealing with the stress of a new job....all of that at once is pretty major. Is this kind of periodic emotional "shut down" typical with a WAW? I have no idea...and perhaps there is not real WAW "playbook".

Here's how jacked my ego is right now. I hear her sounding bad, being depressed...being stressed and I automatically think it's because of me. I feel like she is stressed because she doesn't want to reconcile, has no feelings for me. I KNOW THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE.....and I am trying to shake it....it is not all about me. But whenever I see her not doing well, I have conditioned myself to react as if I am the root cause. Like her unhappiness is directly tied to me and what I say or do. Like on bad or stressful day for her equals "no desire to save marriage".

She has said repeatedly that she just "needs rest" and is "wiped out". Maybe she is just mentally whipped. I have no idea.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2228211 - 03/06/12 04:38 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think it's typical human behavior when under a lot of stress in life.

And also, about your son reacting differently with each parent. This is also pretty typical. Parents are different people with different parenting styles, personalities, types of play, stress thresholds. bottom lines. Kids begin learning this from the moment they come out of the womb. There are studies that show infants responding differently to mom and dad. Very cool stuff.

And so it follows that they learn to do what mom responds to and what dad responds to. They are smart little humans.

I would guess what you described a few posts back is just that.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2228217 - 03/06/12 04:49 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: labug]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5086
Loc: NJ
She's going through a rough patch. Even married parents under the same roof dealing with a lot of stuff go through a rough patch with a growing toddler and responsibilities. I've seen it happen to all my friends.

You're over analyzing again and want to put a diagnosis on her and a definitive reasons why she is acting as she is.

Let her get through, she's having a rough time with a lot on her plate. It happens.

It's not all about you, you are right. It's about a lot of responsibilities and life changes. I highly doubt it's all rooted int he stress of her not wanting to reconcile. So like you said, get away from that thinking and let her be.

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#2228230 - 03/06/12 05:22 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: Crimson]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Crimson
So here is a general WAW question regarding where I am today and where my W is today. - Is this part of the WAW process?

By that, I mean the sudden onset of stress and stress-based depression? W does not seem to be doing well today at all - sounds "dead" and listless...almost drugged. The combination of everything that is going on at once has got to be crippling - filing for D, moving out, raising a toddler, learning to live alone, contemplating R, wanting another baby, dealing with the stress of a new job....all of that at once is pretty major. Is this kind of periodic emotional "shut down" typical with a WAW? I have no idea...and perhaps there is not real WAW "playbook".

Here's how jacked my ego is right now. I hear her sounding bad, being depressed...being stressed and I automatically think it's because of me. I feel like she is stressed because she doesn't want to reconcile, has no feelings for me. I KNOW THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE.....and I am trying to shake it....it is not all about me. But whenever I see her not doing well, I have conditioned myself to react as if I am the root cause. Like her unhappiness is directly tied to me and what I say or do. Like on bad or stressful day for her equals "no desire to save marriage".

She has said repeatedly that she just "needs rest" and is "wiped out". Maybe she is just mentally whipped. I have no idea.

Crimson


Crimson it's both typical WAS behavior, and typical person behavior. Seriously, my W went through this exact same thing this past weekend. I'm swear to you it's for the best. She has so much to unravel, look at, put back together. And just because we didn't do it the same way has no bearing on it.
And yeah, don't tie it all to you, and thinking it's because she realized you guys are a fail. Guess what, I did just the opposite of you. Whenever she was in the dumps I would think and feel great because i thought she is finally seeing how she "f"'ed up and will come back. And then I would be bummed when she didn't want to reconcile right then. I would set myself up to fail over and over again.

She has to do this herself, in her own time, with you just being out there silently if she needs you. And you need to keep making the progress in the newly upgraded Crimson life.

Be happy!

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#2228232 - 03/06/12 05:24 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Crimson - sometimes the mind is a terrible thing to "use" So counterintuitive huh? Don't think yourself into a corner!

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#2228234 - 03/06/12 05:26 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
rick you are on a roll today. (not to be confused with a rickroll)
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2228248 - 03/06/12 05:45 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: labug
rick you are on a roll today. (not to be confused with a rickroll)


What's a rick roll?

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#2228250 - 03/06/12 05:54 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: labug]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
Thanks Rick, GM, LA and all.

I realize that this is something that she has to get through on her own - and is most likely part of the process she is going through. I accept that there is very little that I can do to help at the moment. And I am doing my best to make sure I don't pin it all on me - but that is hard to do.

She texted me a few minutes ago and asked me to keep our S tonight - that she does not want him to see her like this - said that she was crying too much to take care of him. She then just texted "nervous breakdown". I asked is something specific happened or if it was just everything adding up at once - she said the latter.

Though I accept that there is litte to nothing I can do, I hate to see her in this shape - it really hurts my heart. If she thinks she is on the edge of a nervous breakdown - it looks like all I can do is stand here and watch. frown I don't want her to be a danger to herself. Her calling off work and crying all day is not good at all....her not wanting the baby on her night is not good.

Naturally, it is in my being to just swoop in and try to fix everything - but I know I am not there right now and that would do more harm than good.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2228252 - 03/06/12 06:02 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........part 11 [Re: rickb89]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Originally Posted By: rickb89
Originally Posted By: labug
rick you are on a roll today. (not to be confused with a rickroll)


What's a rick roll?


Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...

Google search, sir! There's probably a very thorough wikipedia entry about the history of the rickroll.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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