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Vero,
That made me feel so much better! I hope it did the same for you.

I think I need to rant like this occasionally.

Thanks for having the guts to do this.

NLW

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Vero,
That made me feel so much better! I hope it did the same for you.

I think I need to rant like this occasionally.

Thanks for having the guts to do this.

NLW

Joined: Oct 2011
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LOL! It did! I directed my talk to S3 when they walked in. H was really nice and asked me how was my day n what did I do. (emotional intimacy) Then he told me about some problem his parents are having with his brother. blah blah blah. I engaged in the talk but I realized that if and when I do LRT, he will be hurt.

My soap opera life continues...


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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H has the week off and got S3 ready for school and took him. I sent him a text
"For what it's worth, when you help me out (get S ready for school and take him), I feel like you respect my work. Thank you"

He replied something like,
"I thank God everyday that you are the mother of my kids. Thank you for supporting me on being the best father I can be."

WOW! Dare I say it, emotional intimacy?? Although I started it, he replied.

We never used to talk this way to each other.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
Today was a good day. I felt really upbeat. I should be thankful for many things in my life. Most importantly my kids. They are strong and healthy and have so much to learn.

I am feeling more serenity as time goes on. I target my stress and try to disseminate it as best I can.

I have a better relationship with my higher power and it shows because my relationship with others has improved, most importantly with myself!

I have learned so much about myself from this experience. I have a feeling this was going to happen to me at some point in my life for many reasons.
1- my father was an alcoholic so I was either going to continue being with a child of an alcoholic (as H was) or with an addict of some sort
2- my father betrayed my mom numerous times. I was going to look for someone as insecure as my father without knowing it.
3- It wasn't until now that I knew I never knew how to show love. I followed my parents destructive pattern and I was headed in the same direction.

I thank God everyday that I have my children, that H is involved in their lives everyday, that I own a home and completed my master's degree before having children.

I would like for H to try to work on our R however I have done everything I can do. I did a 180 and he knows that my changes are permanent.
-a lot less controlling when it comes to parenting
-I tell him how much I appreciate him
-I have a better relationship with his parents
-I listen to him
-I make my home welcoming
-I look presentable everyday!
-I act as if I'm having a great day, because I am!

These changes are ultimately for me. I know now, that I AM CAPABLE of having a healthy loving relationship, with H or anyone else.

Whatever happens, happens. Live and let live, Let go and let God.
Take care everyone, DBing online has its benefits, but for some reason gives me a lot of anxiety so I need to go on hiatus for a bit!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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I swore I wouldn't come back because it built up anxiety for me, but something happened yesterday and I don't know where else to turn.

My cousin called me saying she knew something about OW and if I wanted to know. I immediately said NO! But I couldn't shake it off.

I called H and said, if there's something I need to know, tell me now because my cousin will eventually blurt it out even if I said no. He said, he didn't know. (Mind you, he never talks about OW with me and leads me to believe there isn't anything going on, unless I ask him-which I haven't!)

I was driving with my daughter in the car and I had to pull over. My knees felt weak. Once I got strength I drove home (a couple min away). I got home and took benadryl and slept for a few hours. H watched the kids.

Turns out (my cousin blurted it out when she saw how I was getting), OWs car window had been broken and they thought I did it. <No I didn't>

After my nap, H and I were able to talk more calmly. He said that his focus has been on the kids and nothing else (I really don't know how much of this to believe, however he is over our house A LOT!

I told him that I am also doing the same. I no longer focus on him and I but on the kids and being a better mom. However this really threw me off.

I told him I have learned to eliminate things that cause me a lot of anxiety (snooping, talking about us to others), but people will throw in "what if's" all the time.

what if - he's moving in with her to the apt
what if - she's going to his friend's wedding and that's why you're not invited
what if - she gets pregnant
what if - he's already introduced her to his friends and/or family

So when my cousin said she knew something, I immediately assume it's a "what if".

I realized I hadn't eaten much yesterday because when I got up to change diapers at 3am I was really light headed. H took both kids with him this morning to the gym. I hate feeling this way, helpless and dependent! All in all, I hate him for putting me through this!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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Kids and I had such a nice Easter! The best one I've had in a long time. We went to 3 gatherings so we were all over the place. H was in Vegas with his friends. His friend will be getting married this month so it was a bachelor thing.

I didn't want to hold my breath on his calls so I kept the cell in my purse and let the battery run out. I got 6 missed calls. He said that didn't include the calls he made to our land line! LOL! He didn't ask to speak to S3 but was more interested as to what we had going on that day.

He got back today. I went to the beach with the kids and left the cell at home. That really gives me serenity. I got home n noticed he called wondering what we were up to.

I had such a nice morning. Since H was still in Vegas, the kids n I slept in. I LOVE waking up to my little ones. Back in Jan I still cried when I woke up next to them. I would be sad because of what he was missing out on. I don't anymore. F- him!His loss! I thank GOD I get to be with my little ones one more day. I am a healthy mom with two healthy kids and I will definitely enjoy each and every minute they are with me!

BTW, D is pooping as I'm writing this so I can't help but smile as I'm watching her! LOL!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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I woke up to change diapers and I can't go back to sleep.

H n I are getting along really well. We talk about a lot of things that have to do with our lives. I continue to focus on my kids but find myself DBing naturally. Doing the LLs come out naturally as well.

If I were to get an award for 180, I think it would come with a round of applause. This was the most challenging part of DBing.

However, the resentment creeps up (that's why I can't sleep). I think it's because I still hold expectations.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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OP Offline
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I spoke to my DB Coach on Fri for the last time.

My new goals:
1-more alone time without kids (when they are asleep)
**I will continue acting "as if"
**Continue tapping into his LLs - acts of service (clean kids/house, preparing him food once in a while); affirmation
**Continue minding my own business when he lingers -wait for him to initiate conversation; if he's in living room, go do something in the kitchen


2-H talks less about us independently in the future tense
**stop doing the same. This may be a contributing factor
**Continue GAL and 180
**consider other 180s- ones I would do if I was MLC


I will be using my friend as my DB cheerleader from here on out! and all of u!
This weekend he will be moving out of his parents and into an apt. I was hoping to DB by then, however I realize this is a MLC type 3 and it may take another yr (if I'm willing to wait-doubt it!)

Wish me luck!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
2
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
Coparenting last night.
On the way I found trash OW left in the car. Mental note**take my own car next time!

I remained quiet to listen to H. (I talk a lot). He talked about his AA meetings. He said how some lost their family due to alcohol. That he identifies with their battles (demons). (he invited me and the kids to go to a meeting, potluck n all)

He talked about how S3 will ask him questions about the separation and H has googled how best to approach it with the kids.

On the way home he asked me what I thought about when his family wanted him to solve their problems. He would do this more before. Now he stays out of it. I told him that it bothered me a lot because WE are his family and he shifted the focus on us to focus on them. I commended him for changing this behavior.

It was good R talk. They usually happen after Coparenting counseling. They say that means we have a very good therapist.

I still can't get it out of my head that he talks about our separation as long term. (and OWs trash)


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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