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#2227247 - 03/04/12 02:02 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
What a difficult day! And it's not over yet!! 4mr hours for it to be over. Ok. Breathe. Take it one emotion at a time. Ride the emotion n let it flow out. My goal is peace/serenity. I need to feed D and put her down for a nap. That's my goal now and in order to also achieve my goal for peace/serenity, I need to do this by focusing on my daughter n nothing else. Here I go...
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2227252 - 03/04/12 02:37 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
I think what you're going through is normal. Sometimes I find it easier to detach when H is more available to me and seems interested. It's like I have the luxury to detach when there's less of a need to. But as soon as H pulls away and makes movements to solidify the separation, then the old desperation and hurt return. I think the real test for me will be when I am so focused on my own life that H's actions -- good or bad -- do not affect me in such a profound way. It's a process to be sure.
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2227476 - 03/04/12 11:32 PM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
We spent another weekend doing family outings together. He invited me to go with him to downtown Disney. It was so nice to see S3 get excited when we walked into the Disney store. I made it a point to make eye contact w him when S3 had this look of amazement! It was sooo precious!

Oh bonus! We were almost in a fender bender and he grabbed my hand! Lmao! First physical contact since May (not including 3/4 hugs)!! I wanted to call all my DB friends and laugh about it! Laugh cuz its something we rarely get!

He brought up moving out again frown. When I asked him what we should do for S3s bday (June 4) he suggested we have separate parties since his family won't feel comfortable around my family. Man that cut deep frown.

When he dropped us off he came inside and was giving me a bunch of suggestions on what I should do to the house with the tax money I'm getting. He really enjoys this topic and I let him go on about it. Funny how we had plans to do these things together and now why does he want to still be included??

My days not over yet. My brother's coming over. Maybe we can go to chuck e chez for dinner? Anyway. I need to continue working on detaching. In less than 30 days he's moving to the apt and I know that will be another downward spiral for me if I don't detach soon!
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2227531 - 03/05/12 03:29 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1818
What a great day and weekend you guys had! Enjoy that. Be thankful that you had this great weekend. As your signature says live in the now and today was great:)
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2227725 - 03/05/12 06:58 PM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Ur right! I keep worrying about next month or 3 mos from now when at this present moment, things are good. I need to remember "don't believe anything they say!!"
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2227983 - 03/06/12 08:03 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
I think you have a better attitude than I did when my h dropped his bomb. I was clinging, and he was breaking away. He reverted back to the 90's, when he was a teen. Wanted his own place, wanted to go join and tour with a band, didn't want to answer to no one. Wanted to sit and write music all day long and stop working. He took up smoking, and started to dress more youthful again.

I definitely clung, and he was ready to go. I db-ed my marriage, and saved it by starting to engage fully in GAL activities and by not clinging anymore. I stopped being there all the time. Started making my own plans, and acted as if. Many days I was really torn up inside and a huge mess, but I kept acting as if I was going to go on without him and that one way or the other, I was going to be fine.

He would come home from work and I'd be singing and cooking dinner, smiling. Then an hour later he would throw a tantrum about how he needed his freedom. I'd just smile and say "Do what you feel is right for you". Then I'd go and get dressed, get my daughter and head off for an evening of shopping with a friend.

I continued to live as if, he were not going to be there.

He said a lot of crazy things to me. It was hard not to defend myself or fight back some times. But what I did was simply validate what he said. By listening, nodding, and commenting calmly. I'm telling you this is so hard to do.

What I think finally woke him up was his realizing that I was going to go on with my life without him there, and then he started to think twice about that (he told me this later on) and did not want to see his life without me and our daughter.

He wanted to see if the grass was greener, and as terrified as I was of this happening, I had to finally say ....OK go see how green it is. And man did that hurt.

My H did not leave our home....he ended up staying and we are really getting close again. But it took him wanting our M too, to make this happen.

They will say crazy things. I'm not exaggerating here.... one hour he'd say "I love you" then the next hour, want nothing to do with me. At work he'd write an email saying "Love you... " then at night he would not even so much as speak with me or be near me.

For me, I felt it was important to listen to him and validate his feelings, and I listened to carefully to his complaints about me or our M. I did set out to make some changes, but I did not change my entire self.

My h was very confused, and was in crisis. He has told me that when he was going through what he was going through..... he felt like a volcano of emotions that were spewing out of control. He also felt very scared, and did not understand why and what was going on within him. He was in a lot of pain, he wanted things to change in our M. He wanted to feel young again, and productive. Wanted to make some dreams come true that he had not finished in his youth.

As mean as my H could be to me, and as terrified as I was feeling inside, he was also feeling just as terrified, but during that time I would have never known how afraid he felt.

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#2228158 - 03/06/12 08:15 PM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: Ctflor]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Yesterday was so hard again. When I went to his truck to get D out I saw his overnite bag in the front seat. I didn't say anything about it or at all. I was quiet. I answered his questions but maintained my focus on D n S. A few min after he left he sent me a long text asking me what was wrong. He wanted to talk about S bday party. He wanted to tell me that he didn't want to have 2 separate parties for S. He wanted to only to have one. He also said that he doesn't care if his family doesn't go because they feel uncomfortable. He said its up to me whatever I want to do. Alcohol or no alcohol (before, he always wanted alcohol for his friends n family. I didn't -it's a kids party!) He said I can order subways or he'll BBQ (he loves to BBQ but I always wanted something that would keep him available if I needed help w S)

He said all this on his own. I said, "but I never said anything about you having a party. I was upset because your parents had a bday party for him, invited all your family and friends when we were at a baptism and your parents never told us! And instead of understanding me you defended them." he said, "I know I shouldn't have reacted that way but I felt like you were always attacking my family." I said, I was cuz I was the only one looking out for S' health issues.

He agreed. I don't want to argue about old stuff anymore or try to get him to understand that I had issues w him n his family. I didn't tell him that I was hurt to see his overnite bag. Why bother? I've learned that bringing it up to him won't give me peace/serenity like I want. It will only bring drama n I'm tired of drama. It's been over 7 mos and I just want to have an entire day where I can breathe and laugh til it hurts. A good hurt.
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2228167 - 03/06/12 08:34 PM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
leopoldstotch Offline
Member

Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 328
Loc: Pennsylvania
Vero, I think it's normal for to feel like you may be losing interest in your H. It's been 7 months for you and my guess is is that your emotions have taken their toll on you. At this point if I were you I wouldn't make any rash decisions regarding your M.

Not to hijack your thread but to give you perspective I have been "seperated"(my W is leaving at the end of March)for 6 months now for the third time in my almost 20 yr M. I have been working very hard on myself and have been following the DB principles and at this time my W still does not show any signs of wanting to reconcile. I know that this can be a very long process and that with her moving out soon she may get a dose of reality and see it's not that green on the other side but as each day passes I feel myself really letting her go and am starting to really think that I will enjoy my freedom when she is gone.

Take your time with this and continue to work on yourself and remember to be strong in front of him. You will know when and if you have totally lost interest in him.
_________________________
M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out

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#2228311 - 03/07/12 01:31 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: leopoldstotch]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Thank you CT n Leo. It helps to hear your advice.
I get the opposite from family n friends. They don't understand why I don't tell him off every chance I get. I tell them, for what? What will that solve?

We have coparenting counseling in 5 min. I have no interest in this. I admit we communicate a lot better because of it but I don't feel like working on my R w him.
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2228341 - 03/07/12 02:51 AM Re: What's happens when u lose interest in WAS?? [Re: 2chiquitos]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
We have coparenting counseling in 5 min. I have no interest in this. I admit we communicate a lot better because of it but I don't feel like working on my R w him.
Not sure how co-parenting is akin to working on your R? One is for the interest of the kids and respecting your ex. But it really doesn't require working on your R...
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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