Here is where I would like to start with 3 goals to fix me. My main focus is anxiety/wandering mind. Not only in my relationship with my wife but about everything. One time I got sued after I sold my house and I let that drive me into the ground.
Goal 1: Cognitive therapy, Anxiety and control issues. I have these issues and I know it.
Goal 2: I would like to lose 15 lbs. This will involve eating better and getting back on the road bike come spring. I'm currently back in the gym. I think this will help with Goal 1 and hopefully allow me to ween off the anti-depressants I'm one right now.
Goal 3: My whole life I've been a negative nelly. I want to change my attitude. It frankly stinks. I really need help here. Are there books. Meditation? Is this also a counselor?
----> Side note. Son's party tonight. Although tough to be around her we interacted. She decided to wear a tanzanite ring I gave her on her middle finger of her left hand. Yes I noticed. No I can't help looking. But I didn't say anything.
LA I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of shotgun at times. For 2 1/2 years I've been struggling with this marriage. I have my issues but dealing with someone that is depressed that will get no help doesn't make a marriage that easy to work on. I try to come to this board for support and its great. I wish I could read some success stories. My wife tells me she doesn't love me, never loved me, wants me to date, wants her to date, and taken her rings off and I try to hold onto hope. That marriage is dead. I wouldn't go back to it anyways. I know I have to let her go and start working on me. I fought so hard not to move out of the house because I knew the odds were against me once I did. Everyone that has replied to my threads means well and I appreciate the right to the point by M1, yourself and others. I was out tonight sitting at a bar with some friends saying "I don't want this f*9d8f98df8ing life. I'm 38. Have 2 beautiful kids and a beautiful wife. Everyday that goes by I hope her heart will soften. Actually that was even tougher for 2 months I barely contacted her outside of kids. I thought things were getting better. We were giving each other high fives. Splitting kids on non weekends. Coparenting. Laughing. Come to find out she said she was just being like that for the kids. I have everyone of my friends telling me to just get a D. Get rid of her. Family members saying get rid of her. Move on. She has. It is brutal. Tonight as I type this is the first night I actually don't have anxiety before bed. I feel calm typing this for once. I know what I have to do. The fear of letting her go forever is inside me. I know this. I started to detach today and I even fear that will anger her. I didn't reply to her txt today about non kid stuff. When I went over there tonight to watch my son open his presents she asked me "hey did you get my txt earlier" I said oh yes thanks for that.
Even though I want to detach I fear she is seeing someone else. I fear my kids being tucked in by another man. Or someone throwing a baseball around with my son. This is why I have fought so hard. She is so miserable with me which turns around and makes me miserable. When she is happy the whole house whistled. Sad but true. Everyday I wake up hoping she will just become happy again. She sits at home as a stay at home mom for 6 years and the walls just closing in on her. I know we have issues. But man I think she needs a job. I think it would help so much for her.. I hate seeing my wife so miserable and if I am even 1% responsible for her being sick it makes me sick.
Anyways LA that is my ramble for tonight. It helps to type out what I feel inside. To type why I want to fight for my family. When people tell me you're crazy for staying this long. They don't get it. This family is my dream and I don't want it turning into a nightmare.
2pt I will read through it soon. Thank you very much.
Today was a rough start. I was very panicky this morning. Forced myself out of bed and volunteered at the church. I am heading to the gym hopefully for 2 hours. Today is tough because no kids. I try to stay out of this tiny silent apartment as much as I can.
Seems early morning my anxiety is through the roof. My thoughts just race. I picture some other guy dating my wife now. I picture her rings off and it just drives me bat sh&t crazy. I'm hoping a counselor can help me with that. I try to block out my friends and family telling me "dude move on"
So today in summary: church, gym, friends, cards tonight
Tomorrow: bus stop, gym work, kids :-)
One day at a time. It is brutal. Feel like ive started completely over. Thanks everyone. You don't know how much I appreciate everyones words. You don't think I'm listening but I'm starting to slowly act.
Ok real time. Been trying to get extra overnight during the week with kids. Right now I only get them Wednesday nights. Monday's I get them til 7. My kids want to stay over on Monday's. So this isn't about me. She just offered me Monday nights only the weekends she has them . In other words in her best interest on my weekends to not have them stay over on Monday's cuz to long away from the kids. I need to proceed with caution. A 50:50 Split would be mon/wed nights me. Tues/thurs nights her every other weekend