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#2228170 - 03/06/12 03:42 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8533
Loc: Sonoran Desert
A boundary usually has a consequence attached but that may not be where you're going with this.

If she ignores your request, where to do you go from there?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2228178 - 03/06/12 03:53 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
2- You're right she may take it as baiting but the t-shirt & picture have been around for a while now (the t-shirt has been around since fall) so I was thinking that statement about her friend was giving context to why I am bringing this up now rather than earlier. Even if I don't say it, the topic is likely to come up and I'd be saying this to explain anyway.

Bug - Not sure what the consequence would be. I feel no need to take these things and throw them away. That seems a little immature and petty to me. The main thing to me is that she realizes I notice these things and she hears how it makes me feel. She can always get more things if I throw this stuff away.

Do you have any suggestions of conseqences?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228186 - 03/06/12 04:04 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8533
Loc: Sonoran Desert
No, and I'm not suggesting that you throw them away. As stated here this is a dog without teeth. I guess you need to be clear on what you want to accomplish with bringing this up.

Do you want a discussion?

Do you want the bothersome objects to go away?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2228199 - 03/06/12 04:24 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
CES, I think 2TP whittled down your convo very well. Say more with less. You really don't have to justify why you are bringing it up now.

If there is a consequence for crossing the line, you don't have to tell her now what it is.

If I saw the shirt in the bathroom again... I'd probably go to OM's W and say something. But that's me.


Maybe you should replace the t-shirt. My wife uses one of these for her hair: http://www.turbietwist.com/
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2228202 - 03/06/12 04:28 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: AlwaysTrying]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8533
Loc: Sonoran Desert
AT, just curious as to why he wouldn't want to state a consequence (if there is one) now?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2228214 - 03/06/12 04:43 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: labug]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 88
Love this thread.

Ces-please tell me what book you were reading with those topics covered this week? Sounds like the VERY thing I need. Decision by committee...wow! That is my life.

Good luck with conversation. I like the whittled down remarks they gave you.

FYI...I must admit that I use a tshirt on my hair as well because I have curls and towels are bad for curls....but I have a pile of all cotton tshirts under my bathroom sink. You could just donate some of your undershirts????

Good luck my friend!
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2228222 - 03/06/12 05:00 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ptcr]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
The book is No More Mr. Nice Guy. I don't know if there is a woman-centered equivalent. I think women living with a "nice guy" ought to read the book to understand them better.

labug - I'm not saying she shouldn't lay down a consequence, but that I don't think you have to state the consequence at this time. Have to run - can't complete the thought. Sorry!
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2228238 - 03/06/12 05:30 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
AT's correct on the book. It is very much geared towards men but I also see similarities from my W's history regarding unmet needs/protection as a child. But as we all know, I can only look at this for myself and not the WAS (i repeat this often to myself)

AT - She actually has one of those and that's what I see her use. I maybe have seen her use the t-shirt once or twice in the months its been around. It mostly just hangs in the bathroom.

I've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no perfect way to deliver this message. Its going to be messy. What I want to accomplish is for me to express my own concern and feelings about these items being in my house and that I want them out of my sight. My boundary issue is that I deserve some level of respect and consideration in my own home.

Here's the rub. W may not care if I get respect or consideration and she may prefer to keep both items where they are. So if I don't put some consequences around this am I undermining my own objective of setting boundaries?

Not sure what I'm willing to do if she refused to remove them. The first thing that comes to mind is suggest we call her friend and ask what she thinks about these items, and even bring up the picture I found back in October if needed. That would be extremely harsh in my opinion but also an outside possibility. It could very well end her friendship and potentially open a door with OM if it creates conflict in that marriage.

I'm really twisting myself in knots over how to handle this. I'm mapping right along with the "Nice Guy" syndrome on how I'm handling this and really feel I just need to get it out there and get it overwith and know that whatever happens, I'll be able to handle it (Brooklyn, if you're reading this, that last statement is directly from the book too!)
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228258 - 03/06/12 06:20 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
"I've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no perfect way to deliver this message. Its going to be messy. What I want to accomplish is for me to express my own concern and feelings about these items being in my house and that I want them out of my sight. My boundary issue is that I deserve some level of respect and consideration in my own home.

Here's the rub. W may not care if I get respect or consideration and she may prefer to keep both items where they are. So if I don't put some consequences around this am I undermining my own objective of setting boundaries?"


CES - here is what I don't get. Ask for what you want - removal of the offensive items. Plain and simple. No need right now to give her an ultimatum or dare her to cross a boundary. Just tell her what you want and why then see what happens. She may resist at first but don't harp on it. Let her think about it and see what develops.

Once you start establishing boundaries you had damn well better be ready to enforce that boundary. Cause if you aren't and with you two still living together it can get real sticky, real fast. Do you understand what I am saying.

Test and probe... ask for what you want... watch for movement.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2228260 - 03/06/12 06:25 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8533
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I agree with 2, that's what I was trying to get across about what you wanted to get from the conversation. Without a consequence it's a request not a boundary.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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