Well, not sure if it was our talk yesterday but something has impacted my W for the day.
W called me on my way home and asked me to get dinner started. She had run our D's science fair project to the the country show. S13 had bball practice so dinner needed to get started. Not a big deal. Actually thankful she asked for my help. (OK, she told me I needed to do this but that's pretty much always been her way of asking).
I get home and house is far from orderly. There was nothing on the calendar for the day so as far as I know W had no where to be. The clean dishes were still in the washer from last night. All the day's dishes including the kid's breakfast stuff is all over the kitchen counters. No laundry was done (W usually starts this on Mondays). All the presents and gift bags from my D's birthday were still scattered on the floor in the living room untouched from yesterday.
W gets home and its obvious she has cleaned up for the day. Typically she's at least put on some makeup and jewelry. She had no make up and only her single wedding band with no other jewelry on.
She was a bit snippy with me a few times which I ignored. This is usually what I would find when W has spend the day in bed being depressed.
Not sure if it had to do with our money talk yesterday or something else. But something is definitely bothering her a lot more than usual. In the past I've asked if she wants to talk and the answer has always been "no" so I didn't even bother this evening.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
You touched a nerve with her, for whatever reason. Good for you for ignoring her snippy remarks. I always remember this saying my grandma told me in regards to fighting in a M: "the fire won't get bigger unless you give it air... So shut your mouth!" gotta love old southern women
You have to try not to mind read and just know that these are *her* demons, I'm super guilty of doing both of these!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
"the fire won't get bigger unless you give it air... So shut your mouth!" gotta love old southern women
That's awesome. That one will stick with me for a while! Thanks!
My W has a lot of things to sort out in her life. I wish I could be a support more actively. But at this point I can only work to be strong myself and take care of my family as best I can.
I'm still going back & forth on what to do about the money.
Option 1: Go ahead and reduce the amount of money I put in her account so more can be used for getting out of debt and explain to her what I am doing and why. Whether or not she gets upset about it and accuses me of being controlling is a matter she will have to contend with. I know my motives are for the benefit of my family.
Option 2: Leave the money the way it is. Let her know that I heard her and it is obvious that having that money and using for whatever it is she is doing is very important to her. I leave it as is and let her know that I will figure some other way of getting the bills paid.
Option 2 seems the high road in some ways but it could also be passive-aggressive and I don't want to do something that builds up resentment in myself towards her.
My hope with option 2 would be that giving her the freedom to choose how to use the money would give her an opportunity to choose to be responsible rather than use the money for herself. I also realize the risk of her continuing to put herself first. I need to think to myself if I'm willing to let that happen and if its too much risk for the family.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I don't think DBing is about making yourself destitute or in an unstable financial situation in order to save your marriage. Would you want to continue in a marriage with someone whose values around spending and financial security were the opposite of yours? Would you feel safe in that? Do you want to support your values and the well-being of your kids?
This is from my DB Words of Wisdom file. Unfortuntely I didn't include the writers name.
The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship. A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the "paralysis of analysis" needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money. A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks Labug, I don't plan on being destitute or allowing my family to go deeper into financial problems. I am simply trying to figure out the best way to proceed and allow my W the opportunity to take part. Quite honestly, I'll figure it out with or without her.
I like your "wisdom file" quote. At this point, I can only choose to offer these thing with no expectation of any of this being returned from my W. I cannot expect her to bring these things to our relationship in the state she is in. So with the desire to heal the M, I choose to try and bring these things because I want to and not because I expect a return.
Not sure how long I can do that. Sure I get tired and emotionally exhausted by being the only one in the R that does this, but for this I mean in a more intellectual way, how long does it makes sense to go this route before I acknowledge the R will not be healed and I need to pull away completely to move on with my life?
I'm approaching the 2 year mark and as of now, I choose to continue because I believe my W and my M are worth it. I still have the hope that a healthy M can exist between us and so I continue. This is a great view of what M should look like and one to keep in mind as I walk the path. Thank you!
Also, just got my copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" so I'll be digging into that right away.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
"I'm approaching the 2 year mark and as of now, I choose to continue because I believe my W and my M are worth it. I still have the hope that a healthy M can exist between us and so I continue."
Two years is a long time CES! What signs are you receiving from your W that suggest that a "healthy M can exist" between the two of you?
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for trying to save the M but if after 2 years there is no forward progress, and as your signature block suggests, your W is not interested in having a discussion about the M, then what is it that keeps you hopeful?
Living in limbo for 2 years has got to be getting a little discouraging. What have you done lately that is different from what you have done in the past? Where are you headed now?
Do you have a set of short term goals that you have set for yourself? Something to strive for that helps you assess if you are making any progress?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It is a long time and it has had MANY discouraging days (and still does).
Why do I hope?
I still see how active and engaged my W is as a mother. I believe that my W is actually hurting significantly from childhood trauma that is unresolved. For me to leave would only validate and reinforce negative feelings that are causing her struggles. I promised to love her and commit to my M "until death". I meant it and that promise is my choice and not conditional on W's behavior W has never taken off her wedding band. W has never taken steps to actually leave I have seen small efforts to be more kind to me and have general conversations - very few but a little more. Even thought its been 20 months I have only really started the DB approach in December. I have learned that I've relied way to much on my W and others to validate me and the growth to gain personal validation outside of others has given me strength to continue. Even though its been very rough between W and M, its been better for our kids for us to be together.
Different stuff: DB stuff - I stopped acting hurt & wounded I do what I feel is right and do not wait or seek W's approval I engage more with my kids at different levels than I have in the past. I have surrounded myself with friends who support my direction to save my M and pray for me and W.
Goals - I've focused my goals on myself more than my W's behaviors: Take action to improve finances for my family Keep open in my communication to W regardless of what she shares Be present in the home and don't "hide away" in other rooms. Have conversations that are needed and stop looking for the "right time" to talk. Stay focused in my prayer life for my W's healing and my own growth.
As a side note, I mentioned that W's was more down than usual yesterday. I think it may be related to the short talk we had about money, but can't be sure.
Today she called me at work and asked that I bring home a list of counselors that are in our insurance network and close to our house. She said she needs to get back into IC. I take this as a good sign as well and also a result of specific prayers I have been lifting up for her healing.
Its sometimes hard to explain and I can only speak for myself but as a Christian, I keep perspective. Moses & the Isrealites wandered for 40 years. Joseph spent years as a slave and in prison before becoming 2nd in command in Egypt. Life is eternal. In the scheme of things is 2 or 3 years realy that long? But hey, that's just me. We all have to decide for ourselves.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
what you wrote and your reasons for still trying after 2 yrs, really touched me. after 6 mos, i find myself doubting a bit, and i hope that i have your kind of strength down the road
your example is encouraging me to keep the faith. as you point out - you committed for better or worse, and this is the worse. wish my H felt the same way. i know i have until this point and will continue to do so, even though he has moved out
i wish you lots ofluck-and yes am really happy for you that your W even asked for the list of C's.
as michelle says in her book - make sure you note the tiny little successes and baby steps
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
