Is this cake eating 4

[labug]

So sorry, NLW. That must have really stung. What's going on in your mind right now?

[bustorama]

OUCH! Sorry for his unreasonable, thoughtless and betraying request, NLW. So selfish.

I think it's really urgent that you see a lawyer now because the lawyer can issue demand letters or similar for WAS to provide you with the financial information you need to make informed decisions in the interest of yourself and your family.

If you can't afford one, do you have family law pro bono centers nearby or something like Legal Aid societies?

[BklynMom]

This is when you need to focus on the acting. Tell him how at first glance you like his proposal then get your lawyer to tell him that his crackpot proposal is not gonna fly. Let your lawyer be the bad guy.

It is very confusing to take responsibility for our bad behavior but also recognize that this has nothing to do with whether you were a good W or not. Your H is suffering from a disease right now similar to alcoholism but just as real. He needs help and he needs treatment. Just as an alcoholic. Unfortunately they will only get treatment when they hit the bottom. This is not the man you married this is his disease.

I know its so devastating that they are taking down their whole family with them. He has a cancer and it takes many rounds of chemo to kill it.

We love you!!

[BFloat]

seems the topic of the week is S and finances!

(((( ))))

[NLW]

Hey labug,

I'm really confused. This 'grab' by my H for a slice of my superannuation - after he said he would never do that - has really made me think about his motivation in being with me.

From one perspective, he has played me and my parents for our money, and when it's run out, so has he.
I wonder whether I have just been a dupe in this relationship the whole time. The pathetic older woman conned by a two-faced chancer.

I want to think he can't help what he's doing now, but after that proposal - which he had to agree to even if it was prompted by a lawyer on the basis of limited, interested, information - I feel like walking away from him for good.

That he would agree to the idea that I can rent out the house in order to pay the mortgage on my own without any input from him - basically tossing us out into the street - I find incomprehensible.

I don't want THIS man back in my life at all.

[NLW]

Hi Busto,

Thanks for your support.

A letter from my legal rep is being drafted now. It focuses on setting out the amount of detail that will be required - in terms of financial records, valuations, dates, evidence, etc, etc - for any decision to be made on a percentage distribution.
It will make him spew. And scare his pants off.

I've repeatedly said that I don't want to get adversarial about this, but I think it's time that he had a dose of 'reality' concerning what separating our lives is really going to involve.

I presume that it will make things very much worse between us in the short term.

[labug]

NLW, it sounds like you are clear in your mind about what you need to protect you. Good!

I don't see you as being adversarial, I see you as drawing boundaries to protect yourself.

[NLW]

Hi BM,
So good to hear your perspective. Love the way you 'tell it like it is'!

I did tell him that I appreciated the fact that he'd put in the time and effort to progress our discussion about finances by going to the lawyer.

He looked uncomfortable and deflected, saying "No need to thank me; stop it".

And yes, my lawyer will be the bad guy in this. It will all be his suggestion, rather than mine.

Although my H has already seen this coming.

When I asked him not to go down the path of involving lawyers because I didn't want things to get adversarial, he said that lawyers are only hired hands. They only do what their clients ask them to do, so things don't have to be adversarial.
So he's going to interpret whatever my lawyer says and does as a direct reflection of my instructions.

Your point about my H needing help is well taken.
After the shock of this letter, I have been plagued by thoughts that he has just been conning me for money since the start of our relationship - fuelled by my insecurities about being older than him, I suppose.

I'm still not really at the point of being convinced that he is, simply, a con man.
He does seem completely out of touch with reality, confused and lost.

Thanks so much for checking in on me and for your great support.

NLW

[NLW]

2TP,
NLW stands for 'no longer wretched'.

When I started posting, I selected the name of 'wretched', but wiser heads advised me to change to something more positive.

I'm not feeling very positive just at the moment, but I can see the value in looking forward to a better time when I will really be NLW.

[Womanontheverge]

NLW,

I can somewhat relate to your situation. My husband is an entrepreneur, I had a corporate job with insurance, benefits, stock options, etc. I put him on my insurance, he enjoyed the benefits of my stable income.

I lost my job 2 years ago and things have been very rocky since then. I too am not ready to paint him with the con man brush mainly because I know in his past marriage and relationships, he was the breadwinner (business was much better back then) and he took alot of pride in taking care of his woman. He didn't have the resources to do that with me and I actually think that was a part of our issue. He would never say it, but I think that's true.

Hang in there.