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#2221657 - 02/13/12 08:14 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: Yasu]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1283
Yasu, Thanks for your kind comments and understanding.

I will look at your sitch as soon as I can.

NLW

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#2221662 - 02/13/12 08:44 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1283
Starting to note another change in my H's pattern of behaviour.

In the last few days, he's been contacting us more.

He called out of the blue and offered to collect the kids from school on Friday afternoon.

Then called on Sat morning to say he would take D16 to work and went back to pick her up and bring her home afterwards. Then dropped her off at a party on Sat night.

Sunday, H arrived at midday (unannounced) and stayed 3 hours, helping with kids' homework, playing with dog.

(Still will not stay for dinner and will not eat and drink anything if I ask him if he wants to - only does so if I prepare stuff and put it in front of him without saying anything.)

Monday, H offered to drive S13 to school and 'dog sit' for me as I had to go to work for 3 hours. Curiously, he called at 5.30pm to apologise, saying he was too busy with work to come for dinner - as if he thought he'd made some sort of arrangement to do so.... Weird!

Then, offered to take the kids to school today.

At midday, I received another text saying that he wants to take D16 out driving tonight (she is learning to drive) and will collect S13 from school on the way home.

All of a sudden, he is all over us, after weeks of almost no contact.

Any ideas about how I should handle this - I've just managed to get myself to the point where I'm OK planning stuff without thinking of him.

Is it best to try to reduce the amount of unrestrained contact he has right now (I keep telling myself to let him go) or is this desire for daily contact some evidence of the beginning of a thaw that I should foster in some way?

He still seems very 'down' on himself, and my gut feel is that he doesn't really want to leave us at all, but feels too much like a failure to face what he's done to the family.

Yesterday when I thanked him for dog sitting for me, I commented that the dog had slept all afternoon (a real plus when dealing with a new puppy).

I asked H what he'd done to tire him out and he responded thus: "I'm just an exhausting person to be around".

Keen to hear what people think, cause in the past I've been too pursuing and needy.

Just don't want to go overboard in the other direction as I feel H is really fragile and starting to have second thoughts about what he's doing.

BUT, of course, this is just more of my wishful thinking.

Need to hear some other perspectives.

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#2221666 - 02/13/12 08:57 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
Wow. Maybe tread carefully?

How do you feel having him around more. If you are ok with it then I would just let it go. Still make your plans without him but if he chooses to be with you guys and you don't mind, then I think it would be a win-win situation. If you say anything, he may feel as though he shouldn't come around as often.

It sounds positive. But I wouldn't go celebrating quite yet. Enjoy that time. It sounds really nice. Envious. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2221687 - 02/13/12 10:23 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: barely floating]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
(BF) you always steal the words from my head smile

I think treading lightly is the best approach. Keep expectations low- non-existant, in fact. Enjoy the time he chooses to spend with the family, but never point it out to him or ask why he's made these changes.

Crimson uses a squirrel analogy for these types of interactions: Imagine trying to feed a squirrel (the WAS). Stand perfectly still, and they start to come closer. But any sudden movement (talking about it or pursuing on your part) and the squirrel runs away.

nhmom has had some experience with her H coming close and hanging out- then one day he reverts back to running away. She might have some suggestions about the best way to handle this.

Honestly, I would be thrilled if my H took an interest in coming around me and being involved as a family.... I would have a hard time not getting too attached have hopes for things to change quickly.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2221970 - 02/14/12 06:25 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: purgatory]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1283
H has planned to come over and cook dinner for us tonight.

Hasn't done this in a while.

But in the meantime, D16 has started acting out badly.

The other day she heard me praising H for his new 'football-trained' legs (I've always loved his legs and made a lot of their attractiveness, so thought I would comment).
D16 reacted with disgust ("Yuk") and yelled at us to 'Stop it' (i.e. talking about his great legs).

Last night she refused to stop face-booking on her computer during the night when she should have been sleeping, and she refused to go to school today, telling me "You can't tell me what to do".

And lately, whenever I ask for her help with any chores around the house, she responds with "You're the mother, You do it."

Her behaviour is likely to sabotage any small steps toward us that H is demonstrating. Bad timing... but understandable.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly trying to hide everything from everybody; papering over monstrous cracks.

And just when I get one set of cracks covered, another strip of paper peels off from somewhere else.

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#2221977 - 02/14/12 06:36 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
hang tough!

i remember being a horrible teenager (i can't believe the stuff that use to come out of my mouth.. embarassed now!) even w/ out all the drama you're having to deal with!

i think the only thing you can do is draw boundaries and love unconditionally.. sort of like the WAS!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2222083 - 02/15/12 06:48 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: barely floating]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1283
Ha, of course, H rang at 4.30pm this afternoon to say he couldn't make it over for dinner after all. But he will be here tomorrow night.....

The kids were upset and S13 then went on his 'go slow' regime. Was the last kid out of school for pick up tonight. Took an hour to get to bed after he was asked and then stayed awake until 11pm. It'll be such fun tomorrow morning when I try to get him up for school at 6.30am.

So, 2 teenagers acting out now.

I so don't need this. But I so understand how they feel.

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#2222088 - 02/15/12 07:02 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Hey NLW - just curious what does NLW stand for?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2222136 - 02/15/12 09:21 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: 2thepoint]
realormakebeliev Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 218
Loc: Georgia
Hi NLW, just getting caught up on your sitch...

Have you given anymore consideration to letting your friends know? I honestly don't know if that is anti-DB or not, but for me it was one of the best things I did for myself. At first it did kind of feel like it almost escalated things with H, but I don't think I would have made it this far without the unbelievable support I got as a result.

It has kept me sane, and I largely credit this support group for getting me to the good mental place I am now.

I know exactly how you feel about your H's sudden change in behavior, I am dealing with the same issue right now with mine. I have totally kept my distance and it seems to keep things on an even keel.

My goal, however, in maintaining that distance is to keep myself off the roller coaster. Its taken me entirely too long to reach this place to let myself get sucked back into it.

Hang in there!! ((()))
_________________________
M 40
H 45
T 6
M 5
D 3
Bomb: 5/2011
S 5/2011

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#2222865 - 02/17/12 03:25 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: realormakebeliev]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1283
Big slap in the face today.

Those of you who've followed my sitch may recall that my h has always refused to discuss finances with me.

Lately, he's been pressuring me to buy out the lease on our car - as he insists I, alone, have to pay for it. We have 2 cars and, quite serendipitously, he has taken the one that is paid for, while I seem to be responsible for the one on which $50K is owing....

My response has been to say: "Let me know my financial situation - liabilities and debts - and I can make a decision on whether I can afford it or whether I need to get a cheaper car".

But he steadfastly refuses to give me ANY financial information about our personal and business situation. He says that he "Just can't talk to me about it".

Anyway, when he told me, yet again, today that I needed to make a decision about the car, I said, again, that I needed to see some financial info.

He then handed me a lawyer's letter proposing that he takes 40% of my superannuation, and pays no more of our house mortgage, although he maintains a half share in the property.

The letter stated that I didn't need assistance to pay the mortgage because the house could be rented out at an amount that would cover the monthly mortgage payments.

So, basically, if I have trouble re-paying the mortgage that I took out to save his failing business, I can just live on the street, with our 2 kids, and rent the place to someone else!!!!!

Basically, he is only proposing to pay half of the kids school fees and to slug me for any other assets I have.

The back story is that I am older than H and had a house, a car, a job, and a healthy bank balance when we met. He had nothing.

I now have a big mortgage, big credit-card debt, no car in my name, and no savings. And H now wants to take my superannuation when I am about 5-7 yrs away from retirement.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement.
And this from the man that I would have trusted my life to.

I understand that this is just a lawyer's letter but the way he presented it - as "I am willing to be fair and only take 40% not the 50% I'm entitled to" - makes me sick to my stomach.

I think he is definitely delusional, someone quite seriously 'other' than the man I once knew.

His mother is in despair and my parents would happily tear him to shreds.

I am just numb.

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