A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2215868 - 01/25/12 11:54 PM Is this cake eating 4
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
My old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2215865#Post2215865

Sorry, don't know how to get the click-through link.

The below is the last post on the old thread.

Thanks guys for the good advice.

My kids try to be stoic when they say anything to me about H's behaviour.

Basically, they say they don't really miss him and that everything is OK.

They may well say the same thing to him. I think they're afraid of hurting his feelings... and they haven't really accepted what is happening - i.e. that he is really 'gone'.

I'm doing stuff with them to try to make them feel happy - playing board games, going to the beach, seeing some movies, shopping for D16's prom dress, preparing for the new school year. And the new puppy is taking up most of our time and bringing so much joy.

Don't want to moan, but with the kids, and the puppy, and a household to run - and elderly parents to see to (I'm an only child), plus a full-time job to keep an eye on even when I'm on vacation, I don't have much time to do anything other than the above.

I start back at work next week when my kids go back to school, and I'm a little bit worried about how I'm going to cope, but OTOH, I count my blessings that I've got a good job and an income, and that my time is going to be taken up with so much to do.

Probably shouldn't have added the dog into the mix, but it seemed like a way to protect the kids from total heartbreak, and S13 had been given a promise before all this started. My immediate problem now is to work out what to do with puppy when I have to leave the house to be at work. He is only 12 weeks old and has not yet been left alone. He gets very agitated and whines/barks when we leave him outside.

H says just leave him in the back yard when I go to work - but I think puppy is too young to chance this - for his own wellbeing and that of the neighbours - not to mention what would happen to the garden!

I am leaning towards leaving him in his dog crate inside the house for 3 hours or so and coming back home to work from here each day until he is older. Again, not much chance for me to GAL and meet other adults!

When we originally told S13 he was getting a dog, H was still living here and working from home each day, so things would have been peachy. Now, everything's more complicated....

But really, everyone with a dog has to face this kind of issue, so I do need to suck it up!

Top
#2215894 - 01/26/12 01:29 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: NLW
I'm doing stuff with them to try to make them feel happy - playing board games, going to the beach, seeing some movies, shopping for D16's prom dress, preparing for the new school year. And the new puppy is taking up most of our time and bringing so much joy. [quote]

Sounds like fun stuff. What type of puppy is it again?

[quote=NLW]Don't want to moan, but with the kids, and the puppy, and a household to run - and elderly parents to see to (I'm an only child), plus a full-time job to keep an eye on even when I'm on vacation, I don't have much time to do anything other than the above.


I hear ya, NLW. This is where getting WAH to step up and either take more of his parental responsibility or, if kids cannot stay over with him, to provide you with more child support so that you can get a sitter to give you a break here and lighten your load a bit. You deserve some NLW time for yourself!

Enjoy your return to work!

Re: your pup, if you put him in the crate, maybe put him in there with a shirt or chew doll that smells like you or the kids. Something familiar? Could you come home just for lunch/check in and then go back to work?
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

Top
#2216895 - 01/29/12 11:48 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: bustorama]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
Hi Busto,
Will do re the puppy (a whippet and, typically, a real sook).

Top
#2216896 - 01/29/12 12:23 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
Tonight I feel really over the idea of trying to save my marriage.

H hasn't really moved an inch in terms of his stated position to separate from me since bomb drop in August.

He's gotten progressively nastier and more withdrawn from us, to the point that he usually only sees the kids for (a very awkward) 30 mins, or so, every 3 days.

I've only been thinking I've been DBing all these months - but probably have been continuing to pursue because I just can't believe that he's doing this to us; nor have I really accepted that he truly wants to live without us.

I've apologised for my part in our marriage problems, I've been 180-ing my ass off and acting 'as if' to the best of my ability. I've listened and validated and not contacted him apart from details about the kids. I've kept the road home paved and smooth.

It's all gotten me no-where with him even though I've had some major insights into my own inadequate (hurtful, controlling, perfectionist) ways of interacting and I've changed things around in this regard so that I am much happier with myself and my relationship with my kids is much better.

BUT, I'm just about ready to give up I think. I just don't like this man. He's cold, stubborn, doesn't care for me in the least, and most importantly, seems to have no regard for what he's putting our children through.

His latest effort involves refusing to attend S13's first day of senior school tomorrow - at a special event for which all boys are invited, with their parents, to meet their Head of House, their Mentor, and other senior boys in their House.

When I texted H to tell him that this event was happening and that parents were expected to attend, he simply texted back - "Are you going or me?"

In other words, he will not now go to S13's school functions if I am going to be there. What a scumbag. I am so angry and upset for S13 on this important day. And I'm sick and tired of this sort of behaviour that only punishes the children.

I'm really starting to wonder why I want to have this person in my life at all. He's the father of my kids, but shows them so little care that not having him around might be a less damaging option for them.

I feel as if I've moved on but he's stuck in the past. Again tonight he brought up the old "I had an affair and lost all our money " line when reiterating that there was no chance that he'd ever come back.

So be it buddy; I think I'm giving up.

Top
#2216911 - 01/29/12 02:53 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1842
My father who went though he own crisis while we were kids thinks that with my H and sounds like with yours as well, the heart of the problem is that they feel unworthy.

The feeling of unworthiness is related to the affair and losing money but there is probably something deeper from a childhood trauma.

Getting to the root of this is gonna take some serious therapy.

Regarding giving up, I feel like this all the time, but really what would change if I did give up, I wouldnt freak out, I wouldnt stop GALing so its really just a mind set. Why not walk to the light
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


Top
#2217114 - 01/30/12 11:45 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: BklynMom]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
Humbled to read 25's post to Snowman yesterday.

I am judgmental too often and still very angry with my H. Still critical and controlling.
And whatever I resist PERSISTS.

Maybe I'll learn eventually....

BM, I think you are right - feelings of unworthiness seem to preoccupy our Hs.

Accuray has posted insightfully on this point too. Just not sure there's much we can do beyond applauding the positives and then, because they feel so unworthy, they're unlikely to believe us or value our assessments.

How good would it be to see some evidence that our changes are resulting in something good for our spouses as well as for us????

Just tired and rambling.

Top
#2218625 - 02/03/12 11:07 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
I haven’t posted much lately since I got some 2x4s suggesting that I needed to DB more authentically: stop pursuing and let my H go.

I have been reading here every day and taking in advice and thinking deeply.

I realize that beyond just accepting that my H has gone – and leaving him the space to experience life without his family - what I need to do is truly own my part in the demise of our marriage.

In my interactions with him to date, I’ve been alternately clinging and angry. Trying to woo him back or exploding with pain about what he is doing to us.

I’ve also been focusing on what’s wrong with him to try and explain how we got here. In my talks with him, I’ve pretty much made it all about HIM.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks looking inside myself and considering things from his perspective. I’ve also thought about what real change on my part would look like.

I’ve written some of this stuff down – probably in the vain hope that some of Crimson’s success might work in my sitch too.

Don’t know if I could bring myself to give it to my H though. On the one hand, it seems like a cliché (to hand someone a letter, especially when one sees them frequently). On the other, it seems a bit pathetic on my part to think that just because a letter worked for someone else, that something similar might work in my sitch.

I’m probably just grasping at straws…. But I do feel as if I’ve finally had a bit of insight into my (considerable) part in how we got here.

I’d like to be able to let H know where I am in all of this, but that’s probably just more of the old me: “OK, solved this problem, all fixed. Move along; get over it”.

Maybe I should just have patience, take the slow route, and let my actions speak for me. If H notices then so be it.

Appreciate any advice.

Top
#2218627 - 02/03/12 11:20 PM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1299
I'm so jumbled up about my motivation in all of this.

Am I wanting to tell him about my insights because I'm ashamed of how I've behaved and want to apologise?

Yes, I can tell myself this and feel it is the truth.

Or is it still a strategy to win him back? Am I looking back to see how everything I do is perceived by him and then shifting accordingly?

Try this, try that. It worked for Crimson, so give it a shot.

If I am truly focused on making myself a better person, and if I've truly let him go, why should I worry about wanting to let H know what I've come to realise about my own inadequacies?

Dear me, and thought I was getting somewhere!

Top
#2218644 - 02/04/12 12:17 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: NLW]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
NLW,

lc4 here...recently changed my handle after directing a friend in marital crisis to DB.

Have you already apologized for the problems you brought to the marital table? (I'm thinking you have, plenty of times). If so, don't do it again. LET IT GO, decide what changes you want to implement in your life and get to making those changes happen! This goes back to what I've been encouraging you to do all along. Make your list of personal goals...things that you want to accomplish to make a better NLW. THIS ISN'T ABOUT WINNING HIM BACK; IT'S ABOUT YOU BECOMING YOUR BEST YOU!

Take your husband out of the picture, and be motivated by the fact that you and your kids deserve you to be the most awesome person you can be. You don't need to tell him you are doing that; actions speak louder than words. He will notice! If he's too stupid (pardon my bluntness) to take action and come back to you, then it's his loss.

You have been doing a fantastic job of getting by with him out of the picture. Think to a year ago...you were dependent on him to drive you to and from work, to shuttle the kids back and forth, to cook dinner, to take care of the house and garden needs, correct? And now, you are doing those things on your own! Give yourself credit for that!

In the words of Christopher Robin to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Dust yourself off, and get back to the business of DB'ing! You can do this!

love & hugs, ncl
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

Top
#2219151 - 02/06/12 05:41 AM Re: Is this cake eating 4 [Re: ncl]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: ncl
Have you already apologized for the problems you brought to the marital table? (I'm thinking you have, plenty of times). If so, don't do it again. LET IT GO, decide what changes you want to implement in your life and get to making those changes happen! This goes back to what I've been encouraging you to do all along. Make your list of personal goals...things that you want to accomplish to make a better NLW. THIS ISN'T ABOUT WINNING HIM BACK; IT'S ABOUT YOU BECOMING YOUR BEST YOU!

Take your husband out of the picture, and be motivated by the fact that you and your kids deserve you to be the most awesome person you can be. You don't need to tell him you are doing that; actions speak louder than words. He will notice! If he's too stupid (pardon my bluntness) to take action and come back to you, then it's his loss.


Yes.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

Top
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004