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Nice job and so cool to see a text like that from the W! :0


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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That's encouraging and you now know where she's coming from! Very helpful.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Very positive that she sent you that text... it at least means that she is reflecting on her emotions and actions, even when she doesn't seem like it.

I can relate a little with the health issues. The fact that I need my H for emotional support right now, is tough because I don't feel like he's capable of being there for me- in the *way* that I need him to be. My H tends to downplay everything the doctor's say, whether it's so he doesn't have to feel so guilty about leaving me or b/c he's trying to keep me from over reacting- I'll never really know. Fact is, I still have 1 more heart surgery before I still get a complete diagnosis. If it's the disease that they think I have, the only cure is a full lung and heart transplant- it can only be treated with steroids to prolong life. This is the diagnosis that H has heard from the doctors- and he still keeps his distance.

The fact that you recognize the severity of her issue, is a great place to start. (I can only speak for myself) If it we me, I wouldn't want you to hover or 'baby' me in any way- b/c it's a reminder that I'm frail or fragile. She probably doesn't want to see herself that way b/c it means that she can't leave you b/c she'll need your help all the time. Right now, she wants to portray (or try to) a strong, independent woman who doesn't need help for even daily tasks. But I would bet $100 that when she's alone, and can let her true feelings rise to the top, she's scared. She's scared that she can't do it alone, and that she might not be there for her kids in the future. She won't want to admit these to you often, but she might open up if you ask how she's feeling- so if she's been wanting to vent- you've made it comfortable for her to do so. I wish my H would ask me every once and a while, but he probably doesn't b/c then he would be reminded that he's leaving me when I need him more than ever. He doesn't want to know that I can't go up and down the stairs without loosing my breath and getting dizzy.... people would condemn him for leaving his W is such a fragile state.

B/C of these opposite ends of the spectrum feelings- you have to let her come to you when she needs help. Even if you see her struggling, wait for her to ask for your involvement. If you do too much, without her request, she might think that you are treating her like a cripple. You have done great at letting her know that you are a resource available for her whenever she needs it- but there's not much more you should do. It's sweet that you *want* to do more for her.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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2P- I agree w Purg. Very good insight!

Also- detach DETACH detach!!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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facing one's own mortality is a very scary place to be. i think what brings a lot of people comfort during those times is just knowing that someone is there. experiencing the normal everyday things becomes overwhelming.

when i was getting checked out to rule out breast cancer.. the waiting was very scary. i would sometimes look at my kids and cry thinking that i may not see them grow up. but i didn't want anyone to try and fix me.. or tell me everything was going to be alright.. i just needed to know that someone was there. (ok.. thinking about this is making me teary again)

i think you're doing the very best you can for her by just being there and making the kids a priority. keeping things as normal as they can be will at least give a sense of stability.

you are a good man. so patient.. very giving...

(((( 2pac ))))


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
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What is so amazing about her text is that she recognizes that she was being mean. Maybe she is starting to look at herself and not blame you for everything?? maybe??


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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I echo the many people who have told you to detach.

We know you are concerned for her. We know you care about her. We know you love her enough to put aside the pain of your sitch to focus on the greater need.....

.... Guess what?? So does your w!!!!

So stop beating her over the head with it. Stop the pursuit.

Let your actions speak loud. Do your part....

..... And let your wife do hers..

Because the hard truth is that you can love her and you can be there for her... But it's up to HER to accept it!

And though you can do everything in your power to show her the new and improved 2.....

... Ultimately it's up to her to believe it.

Don't play into her doubt but don't try so hard to convince her with your words.

Make sense?

((( )))


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Wow! Really great feedback and perspective from everyone! This was exactly what I was looking for! Really! Thanks!

(((((DB Buddies))))


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Quick funny:

Some of you may recall a few weeks back, I posted about giving my W a book I read called "A Year By The Sea - Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman." When I gave her the book, I had placed a note inside kind of explaining why I thought it would be a good read. She promptly placed the book on the stair banister where it has been ever since.

Well, I just got home a minute ago and S10 is sitting on the stairs, legs crossed, reading the book! The sight of it all made me laugh out loud and then when I realized what he was reading, I laughed again! laugh laugh


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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2tp,

As others have said (and you have seen yourself), the less YOU fix, fret, dote over, check in on, etc. your W, the:

1) less she may blame you for her negative feelings or find your presence annoying (I'm not saying she is, but it goes along with it)

2) has the chance to introspect, understand, work on and fix herself

3) she may seek you out

Her feelings and emotions are her responsibility. She doesn't need fixing, she's not broken. She's capable of acting and feeling differently every moment of the day. Your feelings are your own and your responsibility is to be available and supportive to her IF SHE SEEKS YOU OUT.

Re: her text.......

"I'm sorry to be so mean lately. Haven't felt well and I think the meds make me very forgetful. It is extremely frustrating"

This was an unsolicited text message I just got a minute ago.

I replied:

"I know Mrs 2TP. Don't worry about it. My goal is to help you get well"

I get the good intentions of your response, but have a few thoughts.

First, you did not validate/respond to some of her feelings.

She told you she was sorry about being mean which you acknowledged by saying 'don't worry about it." You didn't really speak to the fact though that she said she 1) hasn't felt well, 2) has felt forgetful, or 3) was frustrated by that. You said that your goal was to help her get well, but in some ways that is FIXING behavior. You didn't give any validation or support of her feelings in the present (about not feeling well, feeling forgetful, being frustrated). (e.g., yeah, I get you feel bad still and that the meds are jacking around with your memory on top of that. that must be so frustrating for you, Mrs. 2tp!) Try to really listen to and connect to her FEELINGS. It's clear that they matter very much to her.

Second, if you want to convey that your goal is to help her get well, perhaps OFFER your help after validating her feelings explicitly by saying, let me know how I can help or let me know if there is anything you want me to do.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
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