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#2227959 - 03/05/12 11:21 PM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: bustorama]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Just got caught up on your sitch 2, I've taken a break from the boards. Anyhow, you need to get back to focusing on detaching home-boy!!

And IMO I think its time you moved out again. You are caught on her emotional ride and I know you want to help and support her but she does not seem accepting of it many times.

Do you feel like things are progressing positively for you right now? Do you think they will if you continue to stay at her house?

I feel like your trip to Spain is right on time.

Also, my WAW got her 1st tatoo last week. On her wrist so not concealed in the slightest. They are hurting, scared, confused, etc.. We can't control anything they do. If she wants the surgery do your best to accept it and support her. What's the alternative, to try to control her??

Best!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2227965 - 03/05/12 11:47 PM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: Valeska19]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
First let me just say that this is NOT the first time she has said she wanted a breast augmentation procedure. She has mentioned it a few times in the past several years but I think she was afraid. She has an extremely low tolerance for pain as it is and if I recall, Busto's W had some pretty intense pain associated with her own procedure. So, no this is not random but does seem a bit irrational to me, all things considered.

Regarding her spending money on herself, let me just say that she has never been denied anything she has ever wanted. She denies herself, but I haven't denied her anything. Money has been tight since I lost my job a few years back and have been trying to make a go of things in my real estate investment business. But we've always pooled our bonus's into our savings and then dip in as needed to fund vacations, car purchases, home repairs, etc. And although I say money is tight, I only mean that in the sense of discretionary spending. We have money if we need it.

Two years ago for Valentines day I made the mistake of buying her a laser hair removal treatment for some sensitive areas on her body. At the time she said it was "the best gift you could have ever given me!"

I got it for her because she had been complaining for a long time about it and so I thought it was a thoughtful gift. I didn't however think it would fuel her need for additional treatments and other cosmetic procedures. And now that I think about it, this is when things started to turn sour in our R.

Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
I love her dearly, but my WAS has gone completely off the deep end with this! She is in the process of recovering from a very close brush with death that occurred less than 1 month ago. She faces the remote possibility of needing a heart transplant and here she is planning to get a breast reduction procedure that I am sure come with its own set of potential health complications.


Quote:
Honestly 2... her actions or should I say... reactions.... make perfect sense to me.

You hear it and see it in movies all the time...

.... someone is about to die or dying and has all these regrets.. all of these wishes...and all they want is another chance.

This is your w.

She almost died.

And IF she needs a transplant... she must know that finding a matching heart is hard... and even if she does, the body has to accept it.

Seriously.. If that was me... I'd be super scared.


Me too!!!

Quote:
And who knows what I would do exactly... but I do know that I would do some drastic things.

I know that because although I did come close to death, I do feel alive for the first time in awhile and so I'm doing things that I never thought I would do or things that my wife wouldn't allow me to do.

I'm debating about going sky diving. Some people would think that's awesome....

..others would think that is just as insane as getting a boob job.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions.. but it doesn't mean their opinion is my truth.

Seeing where I'm going with this?


Not yet....

Quote:
Also, I think if this "brush with death" experience made your w run to your marriage... you wouldn't see her as crazy. You wouldn't think that particular "want" as typical WAS behavior.


I'm confused. I don't think she is crazy, per se. But she is making some foolish and irrational choices considering the current state of her health. She hasn't even been back to see the Dr. yet since being released from the hospital.

And if she did come running back to the M then she wouldn't be a WAS and yet I'd still think her choice to want to get a breast augmentation would be irrational and even reckless.


Quote:
But she hasn't.. at least not yet...


Do you see signs of hope in this, cause I sure don't?

Quote:
... instead she wants something that doesn't benefit you or your m.. and is something you can't quite put your head around....

..... so you mind read and assume she's crazy or acting like a WAS.

Stop it!


OK, I get that she wants to do something for herself. But this?! Now?!

Quote:
1) You know mindreading is pointless.
Yes

Quote:
2) You are assuming things because you don't understand why you w is acting that way.. so you are trying to add some kind of rationalization to something that seems irrational to you.


True, I don't understand why she is acting this way. But I also don't see where I am making assumptions here. She has stated what she intends to do. It is dangerous and potentially life threatening.

Quote:
But you can't understand her.. because it wasn't you that almost died.


This is true, I suppose. I'm sure she has tons of sh!t running through her mind. I can't say what I'd be thinking if I were in her shoes. If we weren't estranged, I'd certainly be sharing with her my concerns about these things. But I've not said anything about this latest development.

Quote:
That is not to down play how hard this is for you.. only to say that there is no way you can understand your w's perspective.

The only thing you can do is accept that her perspective is different.


OK, I get this. But then what do I do? Just let her runoff and do something that could put her life in jeopardy? I suppose the easy answer is yes. But then what if something terrible happens? I'm supposed to just say... well it was her decision and there was nothing I could do?

Reminds me of the movie Dangerous Liaisons where the John Malcovich character kept saying "it is beyond my control" as he emotionally destroys the Michelle Pfeiffer character.... while others, family, would probably be saying, well 2TP it should be in your effing control! She's your W!


Quote:
I guess my point is just be careful with turning your thoughts.. into her reasons.

Make sense?


Yes, but I'm shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. Not your comments, Val but her actions.

This is just one area where It seems reckless for someone not to step in and help her avoid making potentially life threatening decisions. Who has that responsibility?.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2227966 - 03/05/12 11:59 PM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: sayitaintso]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
"Just got caught up on your sitch 2, I've taken a break from the boards. Anyhow, you need to get back to focusing on detaching home-boy!!"

Yes, you are right.

"And IMO I think its time you moved out again. You are caught on her emotional ride and I know you want to help and support her but she does not seem accepting of it many times."

You ain't kidding!

"Do you feel like things are progressing positively for you right now? Do you think they will if you continue to stay at her house?"

No, they are not and no I don't think things will progress positively if I stay. she has said as recently as just a few days ago that she doesn't want me to leave. But it is time. Glad I paid the rent this month!

"I feel like your trip to Spain is right on time."

Yes, indeed!

"...We can't control anything they do. If she wants the surgery do your best to accept it and support her. What's the alternative, to try to control her??"

Oy! So very hard!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2227997 - 03/06/12 07:24 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
If things in the Universe were "normal" in 2ville...

What would your response to this be ?

In the world of the WAS...

Most will resort to fixing everything around them, that they think will make them feel better, before they become brave enough to look inside for the answers.....

How is your response to this different than it would be in the past ???

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#2228006 - 03/06/12 08:16 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: Mach1]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Wow, there is definitely a standard WAS pattern. My W got a tattoo on he wrist as well....

2- I am hoping that any respectable doctor would see the risk in such a procedure and advice against it. I'm also thinking that if it truly is a significant risk, their oath as a doctor would not allow them to proceed in a risky situation for something as "elective" as this.

You've seen in my sitch that I'm struggling to "step in" to stop something that could be damaging. Ultimately, we can't decide for our Ws. And if she's brought it up before and not done anything with it, maybe this is another one of those situations.

If she were to bring it up again, do you feel it would be possible to ask certain questions just to help her think through her reasons and the timing without her feeling like you were trying to tell her what to do? If so, what could you ask that would allow her to talk through it?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228007 - 03/06/12 08:24 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I vote to let her talk as much as she wants about it. She hasn't even had a consult yet, has she?

Do you really think this: while others, family, would probably be saying, well 2TP it should be in your effing control! She's your W! ? Or is it just heat of the moment stuff?

Hang in there, she's a long way from actually doing this.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2228009 - 03/06/12 08:27 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
How goes it 2tp?
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2228025 - 03/06/12 09:18 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 124
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
"Just got caught up on your sitch 2, I've taken a break from the boards. Anyhow, you need to get back to focusing on detaching home-boy!!"

Yes, you are right.

"And IMO I think its time you moved out again. You are caught on her emotional ride and I know you want to help and support her but she does not seem accepting of it many times."

You ain't kidding!

"Do you feel like things are progressing positively for you right now? Do you think they will if you continue to stay at her house?"

No, they are not and no I don't think things will progress positively if I stay. she has said as recently as just a few days ago that she doesn't want me to leave. But it is time. Glad I paid the rent this month!

"I feel like your trip to Spain is right on time."

Yes, indeed!

"...We can't control anything they do. If she wants the surgery do your best to accept it and support her. What's the alternative, to try to control her??"

Oy! So very hard!


Stop reacting at all to her notion of a boob job. Let her Dr squash that silly notion instead.
Going to Spain is a great thing right now. Have no contact except to call, "Hi, how are ya?" and immediately ask to talk to the kids instead of trying to keep engaging her on the phone. Just let her sit and marinate with the fact that she will have to deal while you're gone. Gone, gone, gone.
It may give her a reality check of her future without you.
And btw, you say you can't move because of the kids; who will be caring for them when you're on your trip?

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#2228046 - 03/06/12 10:17 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: HollyAnn]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
T2 - you know everything and anything is going to be expressed by her. That's a good thing. It means she taking things out and looking at them, and she's sharing them with you.

Think of this like they are rewiring their brains and souls, and when she shares thoughts with you, you have an opportunity. Not to step in as all of us guys do and try to take it over, evaluate it, assign a value to it, and fix it. It's our nature. You do have the opportunity to provide her with the environment where she can feel safe to take these ideas out, express them TO YOU, and then you have a chance to be like a calming agent for her, a safe place ....yes I see what you're saying, okay I get what you feel, etc.

I am not downplaying the possible medical ramifications of this, or the financial impact of this comment by her. In their state they do and say stuff like this all the time. She may never proceed with this...in fact I would place the odds as low.

You're on a heck of a spiritual journey and cleansing right now, and so is she. Theses journey's FWIW have to be made individually. I think given the two you would rather be in your shoes than hers don't you think?

BTW, your wife and mine are going through this and there's a big component for them of body image, attractiveness. It's how they have identified themselves and assigned personal value to themselves their entire lifes. A lot of pretty woman face this, and it was to be expected that it would be a factor in a life crisis for them. Ex: my S13 b-day party last March. I have over 50 kids at the house (you know how much my S13 likes to throw parties!), and she disappears without notice. So me and my S24 are in charge of a house full of hormone crazed teens and the numbers against us are daunting, yet poof she's gone. Turns out she thought it was a fine moment to go get a piercing, in a place where, well I guess you can imagine, a place that is pretty much a vague memory. There's just no point in assigning our value system to someone in the biggest fight of their lives.

Let her go, and love her still.

fist-bump to 2Pac

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#2228051 - 03/06/12 10:31 AM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: rickb89]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: rickb89
Let her go, and love her still.

fist-bump to 2Pac



Like ^^^
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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