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#2226759 - 03/02/12 11:34 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
argumentative is an understatement!

i cringe when i think how i used to be - add self-opinionated, impatient, too proud and defensive and it doesn't paint a very pretty pic does it? but you can also add extremely self-critical and very hard on myself!!

i am all those things when i feel that something is unfair,or when i don't feel heard. when i feel things are fair i'm actually lovely (grin) - extremely generous, very loving and supportive and life is fine.

of course what it comes down to is that it stems from experiences in my childhood, where i had to "endure" a lot of unfair situations (the way i saw it) and that theme, unfortunately has carried through my life.

now when i have realized this - i am taking the time to unravel that perspective, and trying to stop seeing things as fair or unfair, but more just as what life is about.

in buddhist teachings - they talk about the dualistic nature of our thinking - always seeing things in terms of good/bad, right/ wrong - which causes us so much suffering because we are always "centralizing towards ourselves" that is our egos are always interpreting every situation and reacting to it.

from what little i understand, the idea of not reacting to things from that stand point, means that one just stays in the moment and accepts what is.

i suspect that those are just words to me that i barely understand right now - i am acting AS IF, to practice doing that - until it i actually become that.

now that would be enlightenment then wouldn't it? (big grin!)

i was listening to pema chodron today - actually i listen to her as much as i can - it really helps me to calm down all this impatience and need and she was giving a whole bunch of different definitions of enlightenment.

then she laughed and said - the reason i'm giving you so many definitions is so that you will calm down, and not be in such a hurry... for you to realize that you just move forward inch by inch and that it is just a journey and not a specific place to reach...

its a soothing thought when one applies it to oneself, wouldn't you say - and if there is one thing we all need right now, is to be soothed on some level
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2227348 - 03/04/12 08:52 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2446
Loc: Piney Land
What you described about thinking is also called all or nothing thinking. When we think things are not fair we tell ourselves negative stuff. Hence we become depressed and irritable. So now it is time for you to stop wanting to be right. Let things go, be calm be wrong. It is ok to make mistakes. So are you also a perfectionist? Do you not complete tasks when they are due?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2227349 - 03/04/12 08:58 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
realize that you just move forward inch by inch and that it is just a journey and not a specific place to reach...


That's the ticket!
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2227350 - 03/04/12 09:04 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I've complained that H was keeping score but I didn't know it and suddenly I hit the magic number.

I kept score too but just a running tab of "yeah, buts" in my head, a whole litany of yeah, but I did this, you didn't do that, I always, you never and on and on.

That got me in big trouble because I was always loaded for bear! Itching for an argument.

Stuff happens and unless the R is abusive or there is active substance abuse, I now believe just let things go or figure out a way to approach it that's a win-win.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2227452 - 03/04/12 04:45 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: Rick1963]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks rick - you're right about what you say - it is all or nothing thinking and it has always got me into "trouble" with the people around me . i am watching more how i think and react - and really inspecting where my reactions are coming from, especially when i start to get irritable or impatient.

i am accepting that i am wrong about alot of things and each time i find myself starting to think of things H is doing now, i stop myself and shift the focus back to me, and what i am doing.

it really is time to stop harboring all the pain and resentment i feel about this situation and our relationship, and move towards a place of love in all my thoughts and actions

perfectionist? - oh yeah - and how. gotta stop doing that to and give myself and everyone else a break!!
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2227454 - 03/04/12 04:54 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
" I now believe just let things go or figure out a way to approach it that's a win-win."

oh yes - isn't it amazing when you consciously make that decision, how easy it is to let the little things go.

i actually did that right away and got better and better at letting all the little stuff go . in the beginning, i'd slip up, but now its really in place and i truly think that H is beginning to realize that it's not fake anymore

everything else you wrote is really true - and true for both of us, not just me

i'm also finding, that when i go into a "situation" or discussion with H beginning with the INTENT for it to be a win-win for both of us, then we come to the end of it both feeling good about it.

but when i go in with the intention of "proving my point" then it ends up not good at all

only when i read your words, and looked back at recent developments and thought about the situations where we, surprisingly for both of us, came to a good place, i realized what had happened.

so i will continue to do that each time there is something to deal with - start with an earnest attempt to move towards a win-win for both of us.

thanks labug - for helping me get that oh so important insight.

instead of losing our spouses, wish we could lose our egos instead!!!
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2227456 - 03/04/12 05:03 PM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
my GAL's for this weekend :

- really focused all week on letting go and detaching from the sitch, am in a way better place in my mind now - feeling more grounded, and a certain amount of calmness that i haven't felt in a very long time

- went to my sweet friend's house for dinner and a movie with the kids, S had a sleep over and i got a little extra time to myself to meditate

-rearranged a good bit of the house yesterday and today - moved my bedroom into what used to be the guest bedroom, and then moved my workspace and home office into the master bedroom, which is spacious and has lots of windows and good light. making what used to be the workspace into a yoga and meditation room

so rearranged the house so it's "My Space" and it feels wonderful

in laws came over to help with a couple of heavy things - and are real supportive and it just overall felt good

big GAL - used a bunch of tools and the electric drill and managed all by myself to take apart the king size bed and put it back together. haven't been able to do stuff like that for years, and it brought back suddenly how i used to be and how handy i was and independent. oh, it gave me a small/big boost of much needed confidence. also managed to move an XL king size futon all by myself - may sound like little things to other people, but for me it was huge - the feeling of not needing help and the strength to do it on my own.

cheers everyone:)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2227561 - 03/05/12 12:05 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i feel a bit confused and discouraged tonight.

went over to in-laws for dinner tonight with S. to make a long story short, mil had spoken to H's sis who had met OW this week. she didn't really have good things to say about OW - just that she seemed "pleasing"(said this quite hesitantly), but she couldn't sense or see the attraction between H and OW, and just couldn't see H with someone like her.

she was also quite concerned and upset that H had lied to son yesterday on the phone. it was a lie he didn't really need to tell, and i had been confused about it and was planning to post tonight about that.

mil and i had a long talk - apparently while the four of them had been having dinner together, H's sis had a light bulb moment and thought to herself what the hell am i doing?

on the other hand as mil pointed out to me - the real hurdle here seems to be that H has convinced himself that i am much better off without him - i didn't seem all that happy the first years and then got really down after the accident. even though i was getting better and happier the last 10 months before he walked out, he is insisting that it only happened after he left>

every time he's told me that, i've said to him that he woke me up and i realized that i was responsible for my own happiness, and that i had finally realized that, and even though there were painful things in my life, i had finally learned that i could still be and act happy and deal with those the best i could.

so i guess i'm feeling a bit discouraged tonight - that he may just never give us a chance even though we really love each other and are really deeply attracted to each other, just because he's scared and feeling vulnerable

i suddenly saw what he sees in the ow tonight - someone very calm, pleasant, totally non-aggressive, non-argumentative and perfectly acquiescent. he needed a break from my super strong personality - he was simply exhausted from the constant challenge.

talked to him this evening when he called to say bye to S before he got on his flight abroad. i told S i wanted to say bye too, and when i got on the phone he sounded really relieved - he thought i would be so upset with him because he'd just been with ow that i wouldn't say bye. we had quite a nice neutral conversation and made plans for him to skype S on tuesday

that has been by far my BIGGEST 180 in these months. for 10 yrs every time i didn't like what he said or did, i got mad or irritated and pushed him away. now, i think he's a bit floored - i should be pissing mad at him - the person he knows, but i consistently act pleasant and calm and have light happy conversations with him and tell him when he asks -that yes things are difficult between us, but that doesn't mean we can't set them aside and still find we can be fine around each other

it's so difficult - hearing about her, and i find myself feeling not quite so detached as i was before - i know, it takes time.

i guess i feel a bit more nervous - he's brought her into the family, by letting her meet his sister - and that feels a bit close for comfort. i know, i shouldn't believe anything he says and 50% of what he does.

i'm not weepy or all emotional - just a bit edgy and uncomfortable - or is it that this thing is getting more and more bizarre and i just can't take it all in.

the craziest thing this weekend, was that because he lied to S, we all found ourselves scrambling to keep the lie going to protect S, and i found myself thinking, is this really worth it? mil too was exhausted from trying to keep track of which version was said to whom - all to make sure that it didn't come out that he lied and that S didn't realize he had been lied to

this is one comfortless situation...
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2227617 - 03/05/12 08:42 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
Zig,

I'm still catching up on your thread but your last post sounds like a great 180 for you. Your recognized a behavior that didn't help and you adjusted for the situation. That's a great step. You can learn from it and continue doing it for you.

I completely get the discomfort and nervousness of your H bringing the OW closer into their life. It is betrayal and unsettling to the core.

I'm still learning this myself but this is where detachment can help you. You H behavior is not about you. He can blame, make excuses or whatever all he wants. Ultimately, he decides how he wants to act in the face of adversity. His choices, IMO, are cowardly. He's choosing to walk away and convince himself you're better off without him. That's just an excuse to not have to put the work into your M. That is NOT your fault.

Looks like your GAL stuff is helping so keep up with that as well.

Also, I missed what the lie was but from a personal boundary point of view, I think its appropriate to let H know that it was not necessary and that you and others will not put in the effort to cover him. Your H is responsible for his relationship with S. I'm guessing you're trying to protect your S but if this path continues, you and others won't be able to cover everything and it will ulimately hurt worse. Better to make your H accountable for it now before it continues. Just my opinion and I completely get where its far easier to say than to do.

Take care,
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2227621 - 03/05/12 08:58 AM Re: am i on the right track??? [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
- the real hurdle here seems to be that H has convinced himself that i am much better off without him - i didn't seem all that happy the first years and then got really down after the accident. even though i was getting better and happier the last 10 months before he walked out, he is insisting that it only happened after he left>


Most likely it helps relieve his conscience. But there is truth to it and your response is correct.

Quote:
every time he's told me that, i've said to him that he woke me up and i realized that i was responsible for my own happiness, and that i had finally realized that, and even though there were painful things in my life, i had finally learned that i could still be and act happy and deal with those the best i could.


Would it help if you set a boundary with his family? That being, no discussion of H. It seems that's a jumbled mess that you don't need to deal with right now.

Quote:
i suddenly saw what he sees in the ow tonight - someone very calm, pleasant, totally non-aggressive, non-argumentative and perfectly acquiescent. he needed a break from my super strong personality - he was simply exhausted from the constant challenge.
Do you know this woman? I wouldn't spend too much time comparing or even thinking about her. We're all on our best behavior at the beginning of a R. And chances are he's not running to her or away from you but rather away from himself.

Quote:
so i guess i'm feeling a bit discouraged tonight - that he may just never give us a chance even though we really love each other and are really deeply attracted to each other, just because he's scared and feeling vulnerable

This may be true.

All you can do it become the best Zig you can.

I agree with Ces on H's responsibilities in his R with S.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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