well in this case she is - though her hidden agenda - one she may not even be conscious of is that i think she feels really guilty.
i was going to ask, so i'll ask now - i've noticed through reading other posts -that no one seems to discuss or bring up family history - (and i don't remember reading about that in DR either) and how what may have happened in each partners family might have influenced the way each one thinks
but back to mil - i think she is dealing with a lot of what went on in her marriage for 40 yrs - while she and i talk in great detail about H's and mine. she and i became really good friends over the last few years, and i have been truly surprised at her staunch support.
it's amazing how in a sitch like this a ton of other pressured dynamics between the other family members also start rising to the surface..
i think though now, she finds it hard to tell me to keep that faith alive, because she keeps saying - i don't know this man anymore , it's like he's someone totally different.
she has known everything about the affair until now - but this last scenario that is playing out over the next 5 days - i simply don't have the heart to tell her that both her kids who have abruptly left their spouses are hanging out together with their lovers... bloody soap opera if you ask me
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
at least i feel that - kept the determination and refocused as much as i can.
even left S in house and walked around the block after dinner chanting because that is a terrible time of day for me. it helped
i have broken down my sitch into components and decided that each day i have to do one little thing in each of those areas, just a tiny little step
so -went out to lunch with my sweet friend did my yoga and meditated got a bunch of things on my to do list done watched S's magic show - just for me:) (sometimes i feel so distraught its hard for me to really focus on him and give him my complete attention)
big one - talked to my mom and for once did not weep and cry and we didn't mention H and it was like a normal conversation!!
didn't get the work part done - but one step at a time...
so i'm quietly proud of myself - with my usual perfectionistic attitude the above list would have been pathetic in the part, but now,i'm learning to be more modest and more kind to myself and not give myself and others such huge challenges to overcome
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i was going to ask, so i'll ask now - i've noticed through reading other posts -that no one seems to discuss or bring up family history - (and i don't remember reading about that in DR either) and how what may have happened in each partners family might have influenced the way each one thinks
YES FOO (Family of Origin) plays a huge part in why all of this may of happened but I think their is nothing that you can DO about it.
Your MIL can not FIX this, nor can you.
YOUR FOO may be of the FIXER mentality, so the only one who you can FIX is YOU.
thanks cadet - i was proud of my start yesterday - i think reading alot here and finding out what others are going through and what the real point is in this sitch )to take care of oneself completely) helped me get started.
i am still shaky, but understand that i will be for a while - that it is a process
about the FOO - it's not so much about trying to fix it as trying to understand - it's like history is repeating itself!
and yes, i'm also finally understanding that it is basically chasing my own tail to analyze everything - especially what he says and does and the why's and where's of everything in this sitch
so will add that to the list of things NOT to do:)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
it's weird - right from the beginning everyone around me was telling me that i need to take care of myself - i thought i was,
but only now 6 mos. down the road i'm even beginning to understand what they meant - i couldn't really understand it until now, and i'm sure over the next few weeks i will find myself understanding more and more.
i think i interpreted taking care of myself as meaning taking care of the situation - that because it affected me so deeply, i had to focus on making it better. i couldn't even begin to see that it meant acceptance and moving forward
on the other hand, i was making all the good changes - the ones that came automatically right in the beginning, but also the ones that came when i realized more and more what i had been and how certain actions of mine had made our relationship bad, and as soon as i would realize those things, i made the conscious effort to change them
where i got stuck was in moving forward - i still don't quite know which direction i'm headed in - especially work wise, which is my biggest challenge, but for the first time i am realizing that it is okay to begin to trust that even that will come out okay as long as i focus on my own baby steps
thanks for your support, and please continue to challenge me - i'm a stubborn one who's mind definitely has a lot of trouble in seeing things from a different perspective and really understanding the reality of what i have to do:)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i've realized the last couple of days, that when i started this thread i was really in a bad place - like one long loud scream of protest that i don't like what's going on and doesn't anyone have the fix-it solution to take away all this pain.
now that i've calmed down with the help of all the wonderful people here, and through reading the experiences of others on this forum, i realize that there are very specific things i can do and that it is imperative for me to shift my focus towards them.
thank you everyone for helping me realize what i was doing and what to do to change that -
the biggest light bulb moment in the last couple of days for me is that - during this relationship whenever i couldn't get through to H i would sort of emotionally panic and try desperately to fix the situation.
it's finally occurred to me that it is still what i am doing - not allowing him the space (i am, in real life, but not in my MIND - if that makes sense) - and wanting him to do certain things (like give up the A) to show his love for me.
but the fact is that for once i have to simply step back (i have done that in our relationship but not in my own mind) and really just let things be and just CALM DOWN
big hugs to all and i hope that everyone reading this is having a really good day
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
