"We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying."
oh labug - this is wonderful to read - it more than resonates with me - it's a huge big gong going off in my head
what occurred to me - is it a certain type of person (us?) that lands up in this situation because of the way we think, feel and react?
does the universe/god/higher power give us this situation so that we can unlearn all these things?
I CHOOSE PEACE:)
thankyou - your support and everyone else's here touches my heart and makes me trust that little bit more, that things WILL be okay no matter what happens
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
thank you for your thoughts seminolewind and for sharing what you've been through.
i keep telling myself that - "if i love him, i can set him free" - and i do believe it on a certain level - if i'm honest, more in my head than in my heart until now - but the shift is starting to happen so i will allow it to unfold in it's own time
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
yesterday and today have been unexpected and maybe a bit puzzling. after i read all the wonderfully supportive posts from everyone, i calmed down alot.
as i was standing at the sink doing the dishes last night, i found myself becoming aware for the first time of some new insight into what i need to work on within myself. it was disturbing and very emotional and i cried alot in between taking care of son and putting him to bed.
but the amazing thing was that it was a quiet release sort of crying - where i was calm - i don't really know what to do with the information i have found within myself, but i realized while i was going through it that i had finally identified the daunting (unidentifiable) fear that has been with me ever since this sitch started and also before during our relationship, that was buried so deep that i was unable to face it.
now when it came out in the open, it was accompanied by a calmness that i haven't felt in a long long while.
it's as if , now that i know what the monster is, i know what the challenge is for myself and i'm not just flailing blindly
i just went to bed and meditated until i fell asleep and all through today, the calmness stayed with me - after i read labug's post, it helped even more as i saw it as peace
so i don't know if the following quaalifies as a GAL or more in the detachment thing
when H skyped us this evening - i chatted for a few minutes in a very friendly manner and then left him and son to it. i got quite emotional (it's impossible to tell if ow is with him or not) after i left the room, i think mostly because he simply would not look at me or even towards the camera - he literally turned his head to the side
i haven't mentioned it before , but that is what he does quite frequently - also when we are together for eg at his parents - he will turn his head completely away from me and even have a conversation like that. what i sense is that he can't bear to face me. and it is difficult for me
so i stayed away from the skype - and this is the best part for me - after getting all upset, i calmed down quite soon - in minutes and told myself that it doesn't matter what he's doing or where and with whom. i didn't feel it completely a 100% but almost - it was mostly hard, because S and i should have/could have been there with him and it was hard for both of us to see him there, without us
the best part was that even though i got upset, it wasn't so frantic and i still felt that peaceful feeling.
i have my second apptmt w/ the therapist tomorrow morning - which i am really looking forward to.
thanks again and hugs to everyone for being here for me - i hope i can return the favor one day
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i saw the therapist this morning - she says that i need to focus on my own dysfunctional behaviors, and get my life back together, and everything else comes after
she's tough and she is right - i think too much about this, and focus too much on this - as an excuse for not taking care of myself and what i should be really doing
H's dysfunctional behavior is his own problem now. she said that from what i described our relationship was very dysfunctional and co-dependent. i know that already, so am now only going to focus on myself and the changes i need to put in place
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Don't be too hard on yourself about how long the dysfunction has been there. I think that same thing could be said about my M even though we appeared happy for years. Looking back now, I can see my own dysfuctional behaviors even in the first year of our marriage.
Be aware that as you shift your focus, its very likely that you will be tempted to get drawn back into focusing on your H's behaviors. I do this a lot. I think its normal. Just need to be aware of it so when you see it, you can adjust.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
that , i am beginning to realize has been one of my biggest downfalls in this relationship - and the sad thing is that i am still doing that now.
i'm a mess right now - i think i'm scared to take the steps i need to - that it's easier for me to see what he's doing rather than to face what i am and what i'm doing - or rather not doing.
thanks ces for the heads up on being aware that it's normal to keep slipping and focusing on the H - i will keep that in mind
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
