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#2223812 - 02/21/12 08:14 AM Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I don't know what I'm doing trying to post a thread? I've been lurking since ilybut dropped 1/9/12. H came home from a quick trip, I smelled perfume, and said so. He blew it off! But two days later, after making love, he said he'd seen a L and was filing. Of course, I did all the wrong thing, crying, pleading, offer to mc. Nope. He packed his bags and was gone. well this is still a fog time for me, but I found the DR book and this site and have been following newcomers alot. Our history, 2nd marriage for both, no kids together, each of us has 2 each grown kids. Known each other for over 20 years. He cheated alot in his first marriage. I cheated once in my whole life with him. We worked together. I broke up both our marriages. We went on for five years before we got married. During cheating time before, first marriages broke up I got pregnant and had an abortion. No one but us knew about it. I had a horrible childhood, my mom died 3 days after I was born, had a bad stepmother, never really felt much love or trust. Bad self esteem, but somehow managed. Well all that stuff, which I never got help with came back to bite me and my husband. What I've learned in past few weeks is this: My H is a Mr. Nice Guy people pleaser, would do anything to avoid conflict. Would rarely call me on my crap. I always perceived that he was trying to control me, he always denied. He made way more money than me and pretty much lipserviced me in major decisions, but it was pretty much his decision. We retired 5 years ago and moved an hour and a half from our old home. Never felt I had any choice but to go along. H is an extrovert, me and introvert. He has thrived in this retirement, me not so much, to go from regular working lives, where alot of stuff doesn't get dealt with to being around each other 24/7, yikes. I over the past 5 years have been withdrawing from r, I have become depressed, no interest in sex, he's hugely interested in sex. Last year, he smugly told me that if I didn't with it he would find someone else! Great for my trust issues with him. He also shared all this with everyone he knows, including his mother. His father passed away 2 years ago. So then he became family patriarc, which he loves in his people pleasing role. He also has had chronic back issues for the last year and a half, which he will finally be getting surgery for. Anyway, I'm sure this is long enough, I know we both created this mess. But the papers have been filed, he's staying in the house and I am now apt. searching. I read the book ilbutnotilwy also. I see where I and dwe went so wrong. But he does not believe I will ever change. So I am doing LRT as best I can. I have never been through so much pain in my life. I don't have any girfriends, my kids are checking in with me almost daily. They don't live close. Thank God for this site, I feel like I have friends. Thank you

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#2224776 - 02/25/12 02:54 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5187
Originally Posted By: pamkelly
I over the past 5 years have been withdrawing from r,
I have become depressed,
no interest in sex,
he's hugely interested in sex.

This is very typical thing to happen in middle age.
Coupled together with the death in the family and looks like you have the ingredients for a crisis.

What are you doing for you?
You are starting LRT so now how do you get out of depression and start living your life again?
First you have to learn how to love yourself.
You have lots of TIME now use it wisely.

Sorry you are on moderation but post frequently in small amounts and you will get off of it soon enough.

Oh and please hit carriage return when you post.
It is hard to read large blocks of type.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2224778 - 02/25/12 02:57 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: Cadet]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8685
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hope that's not your real name. You may want to change your screen name if it is.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2224807 - 02/25/12 04:12 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: Cadet]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Thanks for the tips. I've been reading and journalling. Trying to eat right and exercise.

Alot of practical things, like finding an apt. and dealing with what's ahead. Talking with my S27. He's had heartbreak and gets it.

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#2224808 - 02/25/12 04:13 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
It's not my full name, I actually got username and display name mixed up. Any help on how to change it? Thanks

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#2224819 - 02/25/12 05:27 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I also need help in my signature. I put in 2 characters as a test and it tells me you have to shorten! Help, I read where it is good to have a good signature.

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#2225019 - 02/26/12 03:56 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Journalling - I'ts really hard to not have children together. I have only seen H three times since this has all happened.

Soon after the first time I asked him to not call and that I needed to have some space to get my head together. I helped me to see that this is actually happening.

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#2225043 - 02/26/12 07:12 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
more journalling -

I feel since this is going so fast, papers filed, end date 4/24/12, having to find a new place for me, he is sooo done, that the only way I can look at it is, the divorce will be final, I will be moved out and onto my new life.

The only thing I can do on my end is to make me a better me, find some happiness with myself and hope for some interactions with H in future. Maybe then he will see what I used to be with him. I mean come on, 20+ years together.

He will probably do the grass is maybe not so green, and we can somehow find out way back to each other. This is so much a marathon.

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#2225053 - 02/26/12 01:03 PM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2532
Loc: Piney Land
^^^^^^
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2225055 - 02/26/12 01:04 PM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: Rick1963]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8685
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think she started a new thread. You might want to ask the mods to lock this one.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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