Is this cake eating 4

[NLW]

Thanks ncl and BM,

H went out to his football training/drinking session last night and so did not come over to break the 'news' to the kids.

I'm currently in limbo waiting to see what the day will bring in terms of announcements/ultimatums.

The house and mortgage are in my name (no one would lend to him with his credit record) and it will be the fact that I can't pay the bank without contributions from H that forces an immediate sale.

Not sure how H will be able to deal with the shame of having his children forced out of their home and schools.... I suppose he'll just say it's my fault.

Maybe it's all a bluff, but maybe not.

Oh dear.

[NLW]

More screaming from H today, insisting that he will not give me any more info on my financial situation (as my L requests) so that I can decide whether I can afford to do what he says and purchase a new car.

Here is his latest email to me:

"In this instance your delaying and obfuscating will effectively decide for you. I have made it very clear what your choice is limited to. Do it or don't do it - let me know if you decide to do it. By default - if you delay - everything will go to crap."

I think it's time to let him have a dose of reality. It's going to be hard for me and the kids, but there's no benefit to continuing to succumb to his tantrums.

[labug]

Why still communicate with him? He's def beyond reasoning with. Let your attorney deal with his abusive craziness.

[BklynMom]

I like Labugs response. Let the lawyer handle this.

[BFloat]

i agree. no point in trying to talk when he's bullying you. have him speak to your attorney and see if he continues the ranting behaviour.

((( )))

[NLW]

Thanks guys,
I really appreciate your input and your support.

This is really hard...
I feel almost too weak to handle much more.

And I have been racking up L fees!

Today I got a call from the bank saying they were sending in the debt collectors as the last monthly payment hadn't been made.
H had told me he'd paid this, but obviously was holding off to see if I'd agree to buy a second car.

When I texted him to ask if we could pay it, he just said 'No' and that this was 'a consequence of my choice not to do as he said about the cars'.

L said we can start proceedings against him, ask for an emergency hearing and get an injunction, etc.

But how on earth can one come back from this level of interaction??? My H holds a grudge like no-one else, and if I took him to court, that would be it.

He rang today specifically to tell me that there was absolutely no chance that we'd ever reconcile after today and that my behaviour over the cars had shown him that I hadn't changed at all. That is, I still want my own way.

Seems to me like I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't here.

But then, H brought S13 home from school and stayed to help with homework, as I'd asked him to do earlier in the day (S is having problems with school work).

I acted 'as if' Mother-Theresa-style and H was very nice - even to the point of fixing a blocked drain in our bathroom sink.

As he left, I asked him for some cash as my account was down to 0 (as he knows, having emptied it so I can't pay the mortgage). So he handed me $100.

It's completely insane....

[labug]

LRT might be helpful.

Also it's seems it's now up to you to protect your child.

How best can you do that?

[NLW]

Labug,
At this stage I really don't know what to do to protect the kids.

If I signed the car deals like H says, he would continue paying mortgage and school fees - or so he says.

But I would lay myself open to bankruptcy if he defaulted.

If I don't sign, the school fees and mortgage payments stop as well as all credit card payments I presume - and so i am forced to bankruptcy.

In the meantime my 88 year old father has just had a serious fall and it looks as if we will have to find him a nursing home - and this involves serious $$$.

To top it all off, my L announced that if my elderly parents depart the earth before I settle with my H, he will be entitled to half of their estate as well as half of mine.

In the meantime, I have to go to work and, amongst other things, stand in front of a room full of 250 people and talk for an hour.....

Got to keep going, but sorry for myself at the moment.

[BklynMom]

We love you. The same way you would go to the ends of the earth to save your children if they were ill, you are a mother and you have the strength to see your children through this most trying time. I believe in you. Hang in there.

[tested metal]

NLW,

Okay, time to take a deep breath and look at what you got going.

1. Father going into nursing home. I am no expert, but my Mom had to go into a nursing home early in life. It was paid through social security and medicare. More than likely that will be the same, but because nursing home cost about $3000-4000 a month and medicare says they want their money after the person dies, (if they use services over age 55), they will claim against the estate. The bad news is you may not have any inheritance. But don't quote me for sure. I would not count on it. Cherish the time you have with your father right now. I know I did with my Mom and it made it easier when she did pass.

2. If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't with H, then don't worry about what he wants/thinks because you are f'd either way. Do what YOU want to do and what is in YOUR best interest. He may be using empty threats, he may not. If he is not, would you really want to be with a guy who is that selfish? Don't be afraid to let your lawyer chew butt if H is not following court orders. Maybe this is a teachable moment for him.

3. As for finances, I feel for you. I can barely afford legal representation myself and I am trying to negotiate a compromise. If W won't agree to negotiate, I will borrow what I can and get full custody (as I have a really solid case). I don't want to do it to preserve a relationship with W, but my D1 comes first and if W acts like a rabid animal, I would have to put her down (figuratively speaking). I gave her a chance, just like you are giving him a chance.

4. As for bankruptcy, maybe see a financial counselor. It seems like afters this whole mess is over you may find that declaring bankruptcy to start over may not be so bad as you have custody and can only go up from there. Maybe in divorce court you can put lawyer fees as part of your debt as H is being a D%^k about following court orders. You'd be surprised what your L may be able to twist out of him.

Whatever you do, don't make false threats and if you draw a line in the sand stand by it. No paper lion for you. If he crossed the lines he looses his dingles and he will have done it to himself. End of story.

You have a long road to go, as I do, because your kids are so young if you are religious, pray often. Remember that good and bad times happen for a reason and that this is a time to learn, but as you learn you will still have people in your corner to help you.

I will end with this. 2 nights ago I prayed to St. Michael the Archangel to guide me in battle and protect me form the evil that is testing me. The next day a co-worker who is married to a judge handed me an envelope with $200 and names of GOOD L. It was the start of a legal fund. All of a sudden other friends are jumping on the band wagon. Today I found a GOOD L that can handle W's L pretty well and is agreeing with me to use force only if I allow her (but is perfectly comfortable with ripping W a new one!) In fact she discounted my fee just for the pleasure of kicking her butt in court, because I am that good of a guy! Go figure.

Good things can happen. Pray. Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open. The message comes in a whisper not blaring. You will make this and we will be with you.