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Okay, geddit, thanks....

ncl, Busto, thanks for putting up with my dimness in all of this and for continuing to look in on me.

You'd think I'd have gotten the message by now!

NLW

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All your soul-searching and writing and really looking at your motivations is DBing. You've gotten some really good advice here, things I think we all need to hear.

I’d like to be able to let H know where I am in all of this, but that’s probably just more of the old me: “OK, solved this problem, all fixed. Move along; get over it”.

Maybe I should just have patience, take the slow route, and let my actions speak for me. If H notices then so be it.


We have the answers to what we're looking for...


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thanks labug, well said.

You've made me feel much better.

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Long post: Reflects a long R talk with H.

It was based on the need to do something about our car - the lease is up in a couple weeks and H is saying that I have to decide what I want to do with it.

The car is currently registered to his business and he is driving our other car which is owned outright by us.
He says if I want to keep driving the car that is leased, I have to take over the lease.

I have said that I need to know what my overall financial situation is before I can make such a decision. When I indicated this to him last week, he became enraged and said he could not give me any details and would go to see a lawyer.

I have since found out that if I don't re-lease the car, he will be liable for the $50,000 residual payment on it.

Today he announced that his lawyer is proposing a 60-40 split of all our assets and debts, based on what he has told her of our situation.

I have not seen anything in writing, but he said he had also gotten a list of lawyers (from her) for me to choose from so that I can have representation too.

I asked what this meant - was he filing for divorce?, and he hesitated for a long time before saying "No, but if that's what you want...".

To which I replied that I didn't want that.
And basically I then set out my understanding of my own role in the demise of our M. Tried to follow the sort of advice that 25 has recently posted on other threads.

He kept bringing things back to his own immaturity and 'moral and ethical' failures and said sometimes he thought it was my fault, but most often he thought it was his.

I listened and validated his POV most often, occasionally indicating that I didn't remember things exactly the same way as him.

We pretty much went round in circles with me indicating that it had taken me a long time to realise that I needed to work on myself and that I was now doing that.

He would then tell me not to be so hard on myself and that it was his fault.

At one point H said "Wait till you see what the lawyer has to say - you'll be shocked".

When I asked what he meant, he said "It'll shock you how little there is left- I've basically shat everything away."

He then said he wanted to take care of the kids for the next 5 years while they are still at school and that "nothing will change for you during this time".

Not sure how this fits with the idea of a 60-40 split of assets but anyway...

He kept saying how sorry he was and he cried a little.

Whenever I turned the conversation towards my own part in our troubles, he would disagree and said "You see this is the problem. We just can't communicate. You say something and I say the opposite. We are just separate people."

He said he would not attend any more school functions with me - aside from individual interviews with our kids' teachers. He said doing otherwise would involve a pretence that he wasn't prepared to participate in. He said we need to tell the schools that we are separated.

I'm not sure what to make of all of this.
It was an hour of talk about the R. Probably should have avoided altogether, but hearing that he had been to a lawyer made me want to know what he had planned - and then him asking me if i wanted to divorce... led me to say that i did not, and why.

My gut really tells me he doesn't really want to be doing this.

I know.. I WOULD say that.

He just seems to be so sad and sorry and believes that he has done things that are unforgivable and there is nothing that can be done to go back now.

I'm not really trying to analyse everything that he's said, but it seemed like a major conversation to record.

Need to wait patiently for him to do his own work on this, I suppose.

Things will be what they will be. I will get on with my life regardless... I am getting much better at this lately, and really feel sometimes that I will be better off without him (and not in a vindictive, angry way).

However, I'm not looking forward to the lawyer's proposal, as I'm sure I won't see things the same way. And neither will my lawyer, I'd imagine. And then another new level of hell opens up.

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Why do you think he wants to be the "heavy" in this?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Sorry for the tough conversation NLW

1. I think you should call a DB coach and figure out a game plan.

2. I have a thought about a strategy for dealing with this, it would not be easy and I am not sure its right but here is my idea:

You H is clearly having a crisis. It seems like he not going to turn around until he hits rock rock bottom. Since he is going so fast his bottom may not be far away.

I think you should move faster then you H for him to really feel these consequences. He knows that its not what you want you have told him, now I think you should meet with a lawyer and set up a joint meeting at the school. I think you should be ready with a list of questions for the advisor or whom ever your dealing with about what signs you should look for in your kids to see if they are in distress about the divorce, are there any common bad behaviors we should that we should be aware of, a friend told you their is a link between eating disorders and divorce are they famialar with that link. These questions are all meant to scare your H.

You will have to be a good actress because you dont want him to think you are trying to make him feel guilty you are just want to know how to do what is right.

I would interview lawyers and be honest with the lawyers that your goal is for reconciliation. But you want to make the realities about his decision as real as possible quickly. I would send him a formal custody agreement immediately. Something fair but that eliminates all unplanned visits

Matter of factly - Refer to yourself as a single mom often without over doing it.

Regarding the car, I would say I would really like to discontinue the lease but I am still thinking about it, are there any other finacial considerations I should be aware of before I decide.

Anyway thats my crazy game plan I really think you should call DB and see what they think.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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BklynMom gave you excellent advice. I agree that if you can swing it financially, investing in some sessions with a DB coach would be beneficial. And yes...talk to the school counselor (Does your husband want to be at this meeting? Tell him you're scheduling it, and if he'd like to come, fine. If he doesn't...oh well...you put the opportunity out there and he didn't take it). And yes, yes, yes...please go talk to a lawyer. Your husband says nothing will change for you in the near future...well, get that in writing and court-ordered!

My lawyer knew that I didn't want a divorce, but by the time I finally officially hired him (after meeting a few times), I had accepted the fact that we were getting divorced and it was time to move on as I had to. My attorney even asked me if by chance my husband wanted to reconcile, would I; at the time I honestly told him I just didn't think that was what I wanted anymore. And you know how things turned out on that front...goes to show "it isn't over 'til it's over."

One thing...I don't think you have to refer to yourself as a single mom to get that point across. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Show that you are a strong, capable woman and can handle things on your own. He'll see it.

NLW, you know what you need to do, now do it. Let him go. He may come back, he may not. You may want him if he does, you may not. For now, plan your future as if he won't be in it.

But by all means...get thee to a lawyer...stat.

love and hugs...


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NLW, I think you're getting excellent advice from BklynMom and ncl.

Originally Posted By: NLW

Whenever I turned the conversation towards my own part in our troubles, he would disagree and said "You see this is the problem. We just can't communicate. You say something and I say the opposite. We are just separate people."

This kind of jumped out at me. This sounds like the good 'ol self convincing. IOW he's telling himself that constantly to keep himself on track.

I agree with the others, the DB coach would be well worth it.

Talk to several Ls until you find one you're comfortable with. Most of them offer a free initial consultation.


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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labug,

As to why he wants to be 'the heavy', my H started pressuring me about the car because he is worried about money - he can't pay for it any more and needs me to.

When I said I needed to know about my financial situation before I could make a decision, he was put in a hard place. He cried and said he 'could not bring himself' to separate our finances. It was 'too hard' and there was 'too much history'.

So he decided to get a lawyer to do it for him.

He also seems to want to 'tell the world' that we are 'separated'. Not sure why he is being so strong on this. To me, it's no-one else's business really. We are still amicable, and cooperative in regards to the kids, so it's not as if we would break out fighting if we encountered one another at a school function.

If I was going to mind-read, I'd say its because of dissonance - he needs to keep us apart because things are pretty much fine whenever we are together. It just makes it apparent that things are OK between us - even fun and happy a lot of the time. For other people to see this would be make the incongruity too much to bear.

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I totally agree its no owns business and you dont need to tell anyone. However if he wants you tell people we need to decide what to do based on what will bring him closer not push him further away?? I dont know the answer but that is the lens we should look at it through.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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