Is this cake eating 4

[BklynMom]

NLW, I have had same doubts tonight. Your mother in law can not predict the future and neither can you or your H. Enjoy each day you are given with your beautiful kids. You are truly blessed with wonderful, healthy kids. Write a gratitude list every morning.

With all due respect to 25 and the other posters on this board. I hate the phrase detachment. I always think "of course I am attached to my H, I married him." I know I know it means something else, but when I hear the word I stop listening.

My 2 cents, dont stop believing but start moving on and moving forward. Tell everyone you know that its over and you are moving on. Be as sweet as pie to him but stand your ground in the legal department. Drop the rope. He aint gonna wake up till he's rock bottom and on his knees. Give him a little push. (Sorry I am not in DB mode right now)

[NLW]

Bklyn,
Thanks for taking the time to let me know this... it' just what I needed to hear.

Your perspective always appeals to me and makes me feel better when I'm down.

I am starting to move on - finally have kid-free GAL activities planned for the next 2 Saturday nights and I will need to ask H to mind S13 while I'm out late.

Quite a turn-around for me, but all part of getting on with my life without him.

You are a great virtual friend, and I hope you realise what help and comfort you bring with your posts.
Best, NLW

[ncl]

NLW,

I am so very grateful to see that a couple of our well-respected DB'ing attorneys on the boards have chimed in regarding your situation. I cannot stress enough that you need to take their advice to heart. Please turn all financial matters over to your attorney immediately and enforce LRT on your husband (STOP THE CONTACT!). For what it's worth, your MIL, nor anyone else for that matter (including your husband at this point), has any way of knowing if your husband will return to the marriage or not. But please, for now do not worry with this possibility. Instead, as mlc urged, take care of YOU and your children. Take him out of the equation for the future, and focus on meeting the needs of yourself and the children.

My husband made it crystal clear to me many times that he would NEVER return to our marriage (this while we were in the midst of divorce proceedings and fighting through our lawyers...throw him, also an attorney, into the mix, and it was a real picnic...not). And today? Our reconciliation is going extremely well, and I can honestly say we are 1000% happier than we have been in many years, if not ever. It's taken a heck of a lot of work to get here, and it is a work in progress, BUT it can happen. I'm with mlc on this one...don't give up hope if you don't want to.

But I can say this with complete confidence and certainty...even if my husband hadn't returned, guess what? I'd be okay. And you will be too.

love and hugs....hang in there and REMAIN STRONG!!! And sweet friend...I hope your dad is doing better. Never forget that you are a wonderful, smart, funny, kind, loving, beautiful mom, daughter, business woman, wife (too bad he's missing out), friend, lady in general. You can get through this one way or another. I KNOW you can.

[Denver_2010]

Just feel like I would really like to hear from someone who's had this said to them by a confidant of a WAS.

My wife is VERY close to her sister. In the first few months of our S, I was still having a lot of contact with my BIL. He told me that W was dead set on her decision to D me and that I should probably 'move on'.

So yes, I understand how you feel.

A couple of things:

1) No one can say for certain how this is going to turn out. Not even your H. One thing that I have learned over the past 15+ months is that things can, and sometimes do, change in a second. In both good and a bad ways. One minute it seemed my W would never ever consider reconciling, the next, she missed me... the next minute, I'm spending tons of time with her, a second later, I find out that she misses OM. Up and down, up and down. That's why they say this process can be a roller coaster ride from hell. It has been for me.

2) So, don't get too caught up on what you hear. I'm sure that someone here has told you to believe ZERO of what you hear and only half of what you see. That is very, very true.

3) Know that your H is going through emotional turmoil right now too. I don't care what he says or does, he is. This is a life transition for him too and I guarantee you that underneath all of the venom, there is a doubt. He has to work through the emotions that he is feeling before he can address the doubt. The anger? Most likely his attempt to convince himself that he is doing the right thing and is making the right decision. See, he has to be angry in order to do what he is doing. That anger gives him strength. My W has flat out admitted that is why she would be so hateful and mean to mean at times during this process. She had to be in order to leave and stay left. I broke that down by letting her go through her emotions, letting her alone, not responding to it, understanding, and continuing to love.

4) points 1-3 are not to get your hopes up. Listen to 25MLC. She is exactly right. You need to detach. And I suggested going on a strict diet of LRT. I think that both are very appropriate here. This is for you and for your emotional well being, but it will also serve the purpose of item 3 above. You need to remove yourself from the equation and let him go through this process. Only then will you see how the dust settles.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I know and understand how that feels. Know that it will get better no matter what happens. Time does heal.

Denver

[25yearsmlc]

brook,

I know the word detachment is possibly over used but it's also misunderstood. Your comment to "drop the rope" is what I think it means, at least to me.

NLW, not saying 'give up' but prepare yourself for a happy life,[i] with or without h.
[/i]
what would it look like to be without him AND yet happy? Flesh that vision out.

Finally, what Denver says rings true. When I read my own journal from 2005 I got mad all over again at h, for one thing. SO it's not super helpful

but my point is I believed what I said at the time, or at least most of it.

I predicted my m would end and gave it a "10% chance" of making it.

SO Nothing is written in stone. fwiw I think your inlaws MEAN well but it also means

you have to back way off your h. I mean WAY WAY BACK

so he thinks you believe him b/c

only then will be feel free enough to look around and see what his choices are creating.

The more you challenge his choices OR appear to be doing that with further contact/pursuit,

the more pressure/expectations he'll feel. So he'll defend the choices and stand by them, and get them MORE entrenched and solidified.

Act as if you believe him and are moving on. See, your course of action is THE SAME

whether or not he returns. (another example in my mind, of detachment or if you prefer, "dropping the rope")

IF he returns you will be in a much better place emotionally and financially to engage with him.

(I also believe he's more likely to return if you back off but it can't be the goal of backing off or that is merely a tactic)

I know it's a paradox.

But if he does not return and you've moved forward in your life, then happiness wil be created that much sooner.

If he does return you are better prepared and equipped so

your action plan is protecting yourself financially, dropping the rope and

truly GAL...for real

[zig]

i know you wrote this to NLW - but i just wanted to add that i am so glad i came across this thread and read what you wrote - it helps me so much, to gain another layer of perspective on my own situation and to take one more tiny step forward.

thanks
zig