Is this cake eating 4

[ncl]

Oh, NLW...I'm so very sorry for your discovery. I know that horrible feeling you had when you saw that d@mn ow's name, confirming your fears that she is back in your husband's life. Big, big hugs to you.

I hope you will stay strong in refusing to sign as a guarantor on anything he asks of you at this time. With everything else you have gone through and are going through, I do NOT want to see this man bring you financial ruin. Please talk to your lawyer immediately and find out what you need to do to protect your ASSets. If in the meantime you have to drive the older car, just remind yourself that life is NOT going to be like this forever and things WILL improve. Do what you have to do to get by for now, and take each day one at a time. You will gain strength over time...I know that.

To answer your question...of course you have your dignity! You are an AMAZING mother to your teenage children and an AMAZING daughter to your aging parents. You also have been an AMAZING wife to your husband and have loved him through some extremely trying moments when other people would have given up and walked away. You are successful in your job. I have no doubt you are a good and faithful friend. You are a beautiful, smart, kind and witty lady. Please do not allow your husband to make you believe otherwise. He is a fool to walk away from you!

I pray you find it easier to detach now that you are aware he is back with ow. That always helped me anyway. When I knew she was in the picture, I was out...no questions asked. Dig deep within and find your strength and grace and continue taking care of yourself and children. Know that you are loved and that you are worthy of love.

And again...I beg you, NLW...please talk to your lawyer and protect yourself financially. If you don't do it for you, do it for your kids.

much love...ncl

[NLW]

HI ncl,

Thanks for looking in on me and for your words of encouragement.

I'm really down at the moment, can't seem to get up no matter what I try, and I'm thinking that things are pretty much done.

I have an L appointment tomorrow and am hoping that I won't have to deal with H's most recent ultimatum about our cars until I get further advice.

I printed out a chronology of events in our marriage for the Lawyer and reading it through made me see just how hopeless things are. No wonder H can't come back. It's just too awful to get over.

I'm almost too embarrassed to give it to the L - wanting to stay with a man who has done these things makes me look like some kind of fool. I keep telling myself that his actions are not those of the man I know, but seeing everything set out on paper in a time-line makes me understand why H thinks it's impossible for us to get over what has happened.

NLW

[bustorama]

I am so happy to hear that you are taking steps to protect yourself and seeing an L tomorrow. Good for you, NLW!

You don't deserve the treatment you've received. Try to change your way of thinking and focus re: whether or not your H could get over what has happened. The question should be whether YOU could and, if so, what your H would need to do to win you back.

Value yourself, and the world will value you more. You are definitely worth it. =)

[NLW]

Ok, so things are not going well.

On my lawyer's advice I agreed to guarantee the re-lease of our family car if H would allow me to use it to drive the kids around while he took back the 2nd, less reliable car to use for himself. This arrangement would continue until we'd had a chance to decide on the division of our assets.

Lawyer basically asked me if I was insane when she heard that H wanted me to be guarantor for the lease on 'his' car for the next 5 years. She eventually agreed that, as I was guarantor for the current lease anyway, I was at no more financial risk and it would stave off the inevitable financial disaster that would ensue if H had to find $10K cash to cover the residual on the lease, now, when he will also have to surrender the car.

Anyway, H laughed in my face at this proposal. Said he would not 'pay for a car for me to drive' and would now take both cars away from me, as he would need to sell the 2nd car to help find the money to pay out the lease.

He was absolutely vicious, saying that I would be left with no car at all, and that he would take responsibility for driving the kids to and from school.

No thought about how they might be fed - presumably I can walk to the supermarket 2ks away - or be ferried around to the 6 or 7 separate places they need to get to on weekends, or how I will get to and from work in time to care for the kids, etc.

He then sent me a very formally worded email demanding that I respond to his lawyer's letter that outlined his proposal that I should give him 40% of my superannuation and house.

The man is beyond 'alien' at this stage. It's like he's some sort of evil robot, programmed to 'EXTERMINATE'.

That he could contemplate doing this to the kids - depriving me of a car will impact on them so immediately and massively.

I suppose I could go out and try to get a loan to buy another car, but that will mean that I no longer have the money to cover the house repayments and school fees.

How this has all deteriorated from the sitch of a few months ago, I just don't know.

Then he was saying 'nothing will change for the kids' and coming over every morning to prepare their lunches and drive them to school, as well as returning in the afternoon to make dinner - and enjoying family movie nights, BBQs, days out, etc.

The only thing I can think is that his business really is at the end point now; that things are so bad that it's all going to collapse and, this way, he can tell everyone that 'the divorce' (or more likely his witch of an XW) took every last cent that he had.

If he'd stayed with us and everything had been ruined, there would have been no-one to blame for it all but him and his own incompetence. This way, he avoids the public shame of being responsible, again, for the business failure.

But on the other hand, maybe it's just me, like he says.

Maybe I should guarantee the lease on his car for the next 5 years, go out and buy myself a cheap car, and watch with a smile on my face as H and OW drive around our neighbourhood in our big, luxurious family car.

Thoughts? Feedback?

I'm no longer capable of dealing with this sort of stuff. I truly doubt my own ability to make any sort of appropriate decision.
Gaslighting comes to mind...

And speaking of gas, sometimes the Sylvia Plath option seems understandable.

I know, it's just a car. Think of Africa....

But does everyone's WAS do this sort of thing?

[ncl]

NLW,

I'm sorry for all the pain and stress you are going through right now. Please remember that your husband can send formally-worded, demanding emails until his fingers fall off, but it doesn't mean SQUAT legally. He has no power over you or this situation! He is trying to intimidate you into making choices that you believe are not best for you and your children, so PLEASE remain strong. Again, I'd advise that you do NOT answer his emails nor discuss the financials (if the two of you cannot agree) without your lawyer's involvement. Trust me...my husband REALLY put pressure on me (and in his line of business he knew just what to say to scare me), but I flat out refused to participate in the back and forth arguing. When we couldn't agree on matters or when I didn't know if what he was suggesting was the best choice for me, I went to my lawyer and let him handle it. My lawyer always made sure I was comfortable with the route he thought best for me to go before pursuing it, which I greatly appreciated. This is what the lawyers are paid for, and you have enough on your plate otherwise to worry about this. I would very calmly tell him that you will not discuss matters with him as long as he acts angry and irrational...PERIOD. Then turn the phone off, don't answer his emails and don't be bullied into seeing him.

Now more than ever you need to be strong...for yourself and for your children. Who is to say your husband won't have an awakening and change his behavior, but for now put your focus on the kids and you.

big hugs...ncl

[NLW]

Thanks so much for your advice ncl - I am getting really desperate trying to work out what to do for the best. I'm waiting to hear from my L, but the timeframe is against me.

H is saying that he will not budge and if i don't do what he says in relation to buying myself a new car and guaranteeing his continuing lease on our family car, the kids' will have to stop attending their schools due to cash flow problems.

One startling aspect of our conversation about this was as follows:

When I asked him why he thought he should drive our big family car while I had to go out and get a smaller one for myself, he replied that HE would be driving the kids to and from school for the next 5 years, as well as to all their sport and social activities for the next 5 years.

So we are separated but he sees himself as coming to the house twice a day EVERY day for the next 5 years!!!

I asked him whether we'd be getting divorced and he said he hadn't thought that far ahead.

Yikes, is this all too weird or what?

[BklynMom]

I can certainly relate to your visions of Sylvia Plath. But when I have those negative thoughts I imagine my own girls when they graduate from college or on their wedding days and I see myself so happy and proud no matter where their father is.

This journey will be longer than we could possible imagine. Celebrate what you are blessed with. Beautiful kids.

His ideas of being separated but not quite D and coming over all the time, its so strange. My H has similar ideas. I dont get it. Do they think being D is like being married, you have your exW aka the bitch take care of all the things you want her to but stay out of everything else and free up more time to act like a child.

I dont have any words of wisdom but from following your thread my gut says your H needs to hit rock rock bottom before he crawls out. He is not gonna see the problem with what he has done till he has nothing left. Sometimes I question whether DBing protects the WAS too much from seeing the reality of their actions. We are too nice.

HAng in there. Find some comfort in knowing you are not the only one out there dealing with a crazy H. It is not you. It was not you.

[NLW]

Hey BM, Thanks so much for this. It really helps to know someone is out there.

But it gets worse!

Just received two emails in quick succession from H saying that I must now take the kids out of their schools mid-term and prepare to sell the house immediately.

He will no longer be contributing any payments to the mortgage or school fees.

And this is because I would not agree to entering into a new lease for a 2nd BMW 5 series!!!!

He is insisting on coming over tonight to break the news to the children.

Any ideas on how to DB in the face of this?

[ncl]

Remember my comparing a WAS going through a MLC with a toddler going through the terrible twos and a teen going through puberty? This comes to mind now. He is really throwing a fit to get what he wants at all costs, isn't he? My goodness....

My thoughts on this...you cannot control what he says to your children. All you can do is be there for them throughout this conversation and importantly after he leaves. Take no ownership in the decisions he is making, but do not speak of him in a negative way. Simply tell them you love them, will always be there for them and are doing your very best to make the best decisions for them. He is making lots of threats right now in an effort to get the kind of car he wants (good grief!), but hopefully he will think with a cooler head soon. With regard to selling the house...are both of your names on the mortgage? If so, he can't put it on the market without your signature on it. So again, do not let him scare you into making decisions you do not believe are best for you. Seek the advice of your attorney.

It seems that he really believes he is in total control of what happens. That is wishful thinking on his part. The matters he is bringing up should be made by the two of you together or by the court if you cannot agree. He is in for a very rude awakening that absolutely everything he wants isn't going to happen.

I am really, really sorry he is doing this to you and the kids. Big hugs of support to you...hang in there.

[BklynMom]

I think you should tell him I accept that we will sell the house and the kids will leave their school but I am not prepared to have this conversation with them tonight. You need to think about this. I am shocked.