Is this cake eating 4

[NLW]

Just a quick question that I'd really like some help with.

In relation to my previous post - is it a good idea for me to thank my H (and probably in an 'applaud LOUDLY for the positives' way) for attending the parents' party with me for the prom?

Or should I just go down the path of not making too much of a big deal of it in case he feels that I'm getting 'false hope' again?

He is VERY sensitive to the notion that I just don't get that he is done.

So, not sure how to reinforce him on this, but I feel strongly that I need to 'do the right thing' here in order to show him that I appreciate his actions, and work towards making him feel safe to do more of the same in the future.

And please remember, H is a guy who just loves being told how great he is.

But then, how does this fit with 'dropping the rope'?

So confused....

[BklynMom]

This is tricky. I think you definitely need to complement him for going. Can you mention some mundane custody issue and then say oh and D is so happy you did the prom thing. It was so great of you....

I think the key is to admit to the D before you pat him on his back.

[purgatory]

I've been walking that fine line with my H too. He is adamant that I "get" that he's done. So I always questions myself when it comes to things like compliments or other positive interactions.

I think you SHOULD thank him (loudly!) But Bklyn makes a good point, since he's concerned that you are buying into the D, casually mention a small detail, which lets's him know that it's still on your mind. But then it's safer to applaud him for his efforts with the prom.

(Bklyn usually knows the best things to do in these situations, I just sound like a parrot) But, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice on my posts and I do see similarities with our sitchs.... i don't know if I can drop my rope yet- right now it's wrapped around my waist for extra leverage!

[oldtimer]

I suggest you STFU.

Have you ever been praised by someone who you think shouldn't be praising you or for something you think you shouldn't be praised for? How would you feel if your neighbor felt compelled to let you know that she really approved of you cooking a healthy meal for your family?

H is not seeking your praise or approval. Going to the prom thing was about him and his child. It was not about you. It is not about you. Don't intrude. Stay out of it.

[purgatory]

interesting point, I hadn't thought about it like that (the neighbor analogy).

But if he has complained that she never appreciated him... would't this be an opportunity for a 180?

[NLW]

Thanks everyone,
This helped me a great deal.

What I ended up doing was to STFU about H's attendance at the before party - he didn't do it for me, I take old-timer's point!

But, I did thank him for picking D16 up from the after party at 2.30am (kids these days - where did all this partying come from at this age???).

I did the pre-after party pick-up at 11pm, but H did the hard yards in the early morning, so earned some praise from me, I figure.

[NLW]

In the meantime, my sitch has blown up, big time.

H contacted me today to say he was bringing over a lease document for me to sign regarding one of our cars.

He has been at me for weeks, insisting that I needed to take over the payments on the car that we lease in his business name, and that I now use to drive the kids to school.

I have continually said that I couldn't make a commitment to an expensive car lease without knowing about out shared finances (everything we have, and have ever made, has gone into the one pot) - basically in our complicated situation, what I need to know is who is responsible from now on for paying what?

H has, just as continually, refused to discuss any financial issues with me, but did recently hand me a lawyer's letter indicating that he was going to be asking for a 40% share of the house and 40% of my superannuation (the only asset I have left after mortgaging my house to prop up his failing business around 12 months ago).

Today he announced that he would re-lease the car in his business name, but that I would have to sign the lease as 'guarantor' for his payments - on a lease that runs for the next 5 years.

I was gobsmacked - he's trying to divorce me and yet wants to name me as guarantor for a car payment contract that he is taking out that runs for the next 5 years????

And this in the context of him having defaulted on every loan, credit-card payment, utility bill, and family loan that he has taken out in the last 4 years due to cash flow problems with his ailing businesses.

But he seemed absolutely convinced that there was no option but for me to sign it.

I tried to keep calm and say that in the absence of any information about my financial situation going forward there was no way I could commit to this new obligation, but he became enraged.

He ended up saying he no longer cared what happened and that the car could be repossessed.

He then emptied all of his stuff from our other car (a very much older and practically clapped-out car that we own outright) that he had driven up in, and called a cab.

Within a half hour he'd sent me an email asking whether I'd be responding to his lawyer's letter asking for an immediate payment to him of my superannuation (an amount of around $300K).
Then came another email listing our 'assets and debts' as 'the car, house, contents, [my] superannuation and credit cards' and asking me to add anything to the list that he'd forgotten.

Is it just me or is he really off his rocker?

All I've asked for is some discussion of what part of our current debts and liabilities he considers I am responsible for paying before I can commit to taking over the lease of a replacement car.

And this is a serious question from me - I'm really starting to doubt my sanity in this.

[labug]

I don't know if he's off his rocker and I'm not sure it matters. He's made it pretty clear from the get-go how this is going to go down.

What does your lawyer say?

[ncl]

NLW,

I'm so sorry for this recent blowup. Please remember that he nor his lawyer can force you to do anything...this is a matter for a judge to decide if you two cannot agree (with the assistance of your attorney of what is fair and reasonable), and in my opinion the financial situation needs to be addressed immediately. He may not be willing to provide you with financial information, but a court can force him to.

Why do you think he made a big production of emptying the car and calling a cab? Do you think he is trying to frighten and/or bully you? Also, have you answered his emails? If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I would not answer him, as I don't believe you owe him an answer. I would call my lawyer ASAP, inform him/her of what is going on and let them take care of it. Then I would suggest to your husband when he emails/calls/texts/shows up again that when he has financial questions (or demands, in his case), to have his lawyer contact yours.

There are many consequences to ending a marriage, and some extra financial burden is one of them. Some people have to learn the hard way that divorce doesn't make all the problems go away.

I'd like to add that I agree with OT that you didn't owe your husband any thanks for attending an event he should have been happy to be at anyway.

Hang in there...and please, call your lawyer.

[NLW]

Really bad day today.

I was printing something on our home printer when I noticed an extra page emerge.

On it was a list of domain names registered by H for his various businesses, and it included the new business name of OW's business.
Goodness knows how it got there in the print queue for our home computer.

I felt totally gutted because I had not really had any evidence recently that she had re-emerged on the scene following a one-year hiatus.
In fact, H had constantly denied that she was back on his agenda.

Of course, I'd suspected, but tried to stop any thinking about her.

Anyway, would you believe, I stopped to consider for all of 30 secs and then decided 'to hell with it, let's get this over ' and rang him to report what I'd found.

At first he denied. Then he said 'Yeah, Ok you're right, I have started back with her. Then he denied it again and then at another point in the conversation, he said 'No I haven't been but now you've interrogated me, I certainly going to'.

What a head-f...k!

The interaction deteriorated from then on until I was crying and pleading - for him to just be nice or civil to me.

And to top it all off, he then arrived on the doorstep to say he was taking my car away because I had 'effed everything up' by refusing to sign as his guarantor, and now he'd have to find $10K and give the car back to settle the lease. Apparently, the finance company had refused to allow him to take out a lease on his own.

He was livid, shaking with rage and wagging his finger at me. We spent most of the day backwards-ing and forwards-ing in argument and then semi-making up.

At one point I said "ILU' and he floored me when he replied 'ILY too'.

I got so mad that I rang the notifications board of the national psychological society to ask whether a psychologist who advertises that she specialises in relationship counselling and child issues should be behaving like OW did in emailing me with all the lurid details of her liaisons with my H, and in sending my H sexually explicit pics of herself, particularly when she knew that he was taking medication that controls mood swings.
The notifications officer sounded extremely interested in the situation and encouraged me strongly to file a formal notification of misconduct.

I imagine there'd be no going back once I did this, but gee it made me feel good to hear that OW would get some comeuppance if I wanted to press for an inquiry.
Just to hear someone else say that it was indeed professional mis-conduct for her to behave like this made me feel better.

What a terrible jumble. Why can't I just detach???? I thought I was doing pretty well, but this was a real backslide. And just why do I want such a man in my life....

Really, don't I have any dignity left at all?

Answer: NO, that's gone along with just about everything else.