Is this cake eating 4

[NLW]

Thanks you guys,
You are really making it possible for me to keep going with your support and feedback.

I am reading and re-reading what you've had to say, and please be assured, it is helping.

My H has been frantic today with texts, as it appears that his time for renewing the lease is really running out.

I've basically said I'll sign as long as he agrees to a separation doc that sets out what each of us is responsible for paying for in terms of the kids, house, shared debts.

At the 11th-hour he finally agreed to this. But then almost immediately he reneged, and said it was a waste of time.

Said if I didn't sign I'd soon find myself walking from a housing trust (i.e. welfare sponsored) home in Suburb X (a notorious lower-class neighbourhood that is miles away from the city where we now live).

Charming!

Then he said he has instructed his L to draft divorce papers (not sure that this can be done before 12 months in our state) and had put a caveat on the house (this was delivered by registered mail today).

I stayed clam and patient and said why don't we try for a sep doc - and he eventually told me to do whatever I liked :

"You do what you have to do to get this done. I am tired of the discussion - be aware that I will not be negotiating terms so if you think you need to change a little detail here and there don't waste your time and money. If you want to spend another $500 on a 'maybe' then go for it. It is entirely up to you - I don't care. Your money - do whatever you please. Just leave me alone and make a decision."

He seems to be at breaking point - almost hysterical and flipping back and forth with every changing moment. And all this over a car....

Quite scary, in fact.

I have the feeling that if H can't 'win' this one, that will be it.

It's like a battle of the wills for him. Doesn't matter that it's irrational to just take his word for it that I'll be able to pay for a new car for myself. I just have to do what he tells me; he needs desperately to be able to have his way.

He might be right, it may be the only way we can keep things afloat, financially.

Or he may be delusional, seriously so, and I may sink our little ship by trying to stop and save him from drowning.

[Denver_2010]

Wow NLW. Just read some of the most recent posts on your thread. You need to go LRT on your H. ASAP.

You both have lawyers. All communication should be through them. I am a L, and technically, when both parties have representation, communication regarding whatever the legal issue is, here divorce, should be through that representation. Next time your H makes any kind of demand on you, tell him to have his people contact your's. end of story. Do not play this game with him.

Go LRT. Now. And, if you are still in this to save your M, tell your L to do whatever is necessary to drag things out as long as possible. F what your H thinks he wants. He's out of his mind, and is thinking only of selfish needs and desires.

What state are you in? What is the 'cooling off' period under that state's divorce law?

Hang in there. This is tough stuff.

Denver

[NLW]

Hi Denver,
Thanks for looking in - very good advice and I need to follow it.

Comforting, as silly as that sounds, to hear that someone else thinks my H is out of his mind at the moment.

I'm really struggling to deal with him.

Re your question - I'm not in the US, so state-based laws don't apply to my sitch.

As far as I know, it's no-fault D after 12 months separation and asset division via agreement between parties or mediation or court order.

[labug]

NLW, have you read How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? I saw where you posted that H had really not been angry until the financial discussions began. The book explores the feelings men have about being "the Provider" and the shame that engulfs them when they feel they have failed in that. They are taken over by it and react from that place of shame.

It might help you to understand where he is and forewarned is forearmed.

[NLW]

Hi Labug,

I've got this book - and it's describing my H to a tee.

In respect of the cars, I believe it's the fact that he will lose the visible status associated with driving an expensive luxurious car (and end up having to drive a basic 2nd- hander)

together with the fact that his family (i.e., the kids and me) will also have to be seen around town either walking, or in a cheap 2nd-hand car, that's making him flip out.

Throw in the fact that we'll probably lose the house if he can't continue to contribute to the mortgage repayments due to having to find $10K to break the car lease, and you have the perfect storm.

The public nature of his failure to be able to provide for his family is simply too much for him.

Having recognised this, and read the book, still not sure how to deal with it adequately....

[bustorama]

NLW,

Your H's behavior to you is abusive (what we used to call crap behavior around here) -- both in content and tone.

You don't deserve crap behavior and should not tolerate it. If you demand respectful behavior from your H, he is more likely to respect you.

That is one function of LRT, as suggested by Denver (not to allow H to cross your boundaries in how he treats you), but if you do not want to go all the way there yet, you can simply say,

H, when you give threats or ultimatums, I feel bullied and intimidated. I know that this stuff can be tough to talk about, but I can't talk to someone that is treating me like that. If you keep treating me that way, I am going to hang up and not answer the phone for 30 minutes. And if he keeps it up, you hang up and not answer his calls 30 minutes. And you keep doing this (lengthening the consequence incrementally up to full LRT, perhaps) until he treats you with the respect you deserve.

[25yearsmlc]

regardless of what your situation is legally, you have a lawyer now.

Re-read Denver's post and follow it. You have no choice but to protect yourself NOW.

Doesn't make it "over" and in fact keeping the legal discussions between the L's tends to help smooth things over a bit between the spouses ("blame the L's" isn't a bad idea. It's what you are paying them for, at least in part).

Does it get more expensive that way?

Well, IN YOUR SITCH you'd be as nutty as your h if you think following his advice will save YOU money.

Sorry for the bluntness but I just want you to be able to separate the issues. Yes, compartmentalize...

you really have to atm.

((( )))

[NLW]

Thanks 25, Busto for looking in on my sitch.

I really appreciate your advice and will not engage with his ultimatums/financial issues from now on using the suggestions you, Denver and others have provided.

H has gone nc since our blow-out around cars on Friday. It's a long weekend here and H simply hasn't bothered to contact the kids at all.

As it turns out, the kids and I have been otherwise occupied - my dad was hospitalised after a bad fall on Saturday, so I've spent most of the weekend in the ER.

Not quite GAL, but it's certainly occupied my time.

[NLW]

I'm feeling very fragile right now and just need to get some of this out.

My MIL told me last week that she'd been talking to my H.

She said, with really strong conviction:

"NLW, H is not going to come back"

I keep hearing her voice saying this, and it's really thrown me.

It's like it's taken away all of my confidence to continue on my path.

She's a sensible woman and has been trying to help me. And she would not say something like this lightly. Up until now, she's just been saying - "Give him some time alone, take it day by day", etc.

I now wonder if I'm just stuck in denial. Everyone sees this as done except me. Even my kids.

I still can't believe that this is happening to me - even after all this time (nearly 7 months now!!!) and despite what my H keeps saying and doing.

I've re-read DR for the 25th time and realise that it's important not to give up hope, and that I need to get my focus off H and onto myself, and to be more patient than seems possible to bear.

Just feel like I would really like to hear from someone who's had this said to them by a confidant of a WAS.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm Not in that boat NLW

but I think there is always hope...

I have 2 family members who divorced and later on, after all parties had changed a lot

they remarried. It was about 5 years though...so it happens.

You can hope for the best but prepare for the worst,

and know you'll survive (and more) no matter what happens.

You may have to leave your h to his "mission" as he sees it.

Let him discover the grass is greenest where you water it most.
YOU cannot teach him this. He has to discover it.

But you do have children and yourself to consider. THink about how the flight attendants say "Put the O2 mask on YOU first, then help others"?.

Take care of yourself, and your chlldren. GAL and please please please

DETACH!!

Below is a short post about detachment. Good luck!


DETACHMENT

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."