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#2229130 - 03/09/12 09:53 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

OK, I will work of doing that. Is it normal for W not to eat? I thought it was the LBS that was doing that, but she is.

SIW
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#2229134 - 03/09/12 09:57 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8407
Loc: Sonoran Desert
While it may be hard to watch, what she eats, or doesn't is up to her. She's a grown woman. You're not her father.

Was controlling behavior a complaint she had about you?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229138 - 03/09/12 10:08 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Yes, she said she fealt trapped in the situation. In the past when she wanted space I would smother her more and try to buy her affections. This is the first time that when she said space, I gave it to her. Was never concerned with what she was doing, only to let me know is she was taking the kids, etc.
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#2229140 - 03/09/12 10:17 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8407
Loc: Sonoran Desert
She gave you the roadmap.

STOP controlling.

Are your kids in danger when she is with them? If not, stay out of her R with her children.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229141 - 03/09/12 10:23 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

What do you mean by road map? I am sorry, I am not trying to be stupid.

SIW
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S:12
D:8

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#2229144 - 03/09/12 10:34 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8407
Loc: Sonoran Desert
The road map to get through this, stop trying control her, stop smothering her. Let her live her life and make hr decisions even if you don't agree with those decisions. Difficult but doable.

She left the man you are right now. She's given you information on what was wrong. Use that as the roadmap to becoming the new and improved you.

When you take the pressure off her, and begin to change she may look at you differently and she may decide you are too good to let go.

No guarantees but you will come out a changed man.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229190 - 03/09/12 01:00 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

You are absolutely right. Looks like I now have gotten sick from the two kids, just my luck.

My W has told me that she has fealt on her own for the longest time (handling the bills, watching the kids) that she feels like a single parent.

Two of my 180's are to be more active with the kids and two have more of an active role in the budget. Today was the first payday we are doing this. Not saying anything to W just depositing the money into the account. Asked her what else we will need for the upcoming weeks so we can plan ahead. And with the kids I have not touched my work when they are awake.

Maybe I am pondering too much, but if someone feels like they are on their own won't and you are giving them the space they want doesn't this just validate their opinion? Am I crazy for thinking this?

SIW
_________________________
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W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229277 - 03/09/12 05:45 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10308
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
Labug,

You are absolutely right. Looks like I now have gotten sick from the two kids, just my luck.

My W has told me that she has fealt on her own for the longest time (handling the bills, watching the kids) that she feels like a single parent.


based on your revelation that taking care of a sick kid for two days, was the "hardest thing" you have ever done, tends to support her view. So one of the negative images she has of you is a non-parent who dumps the hard stuff on his partner and takes it for granted...that means the 180 on this is clear.



Two of my 180's are to be more active with the kids and two have more of an active role in the budget.

good!


Today was the first payday we are doing this. Not saying anything to W just depositing the money into the account.


why not tell her you want to do it together and so, you put the money in? Would that be a 180 too? Just calmly working on the bills like a team? Or are you worried that you are "highlighting" a small gesture?

Asked her what else we will need for the upcoming weeks so we can plan ahead. And with the kids I have not touched my work when they are awake.


Good.

small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.



Maybe I am pondering too much, but if someone feels like they are on their own won't and you are giving them the space they want doesn't this just validate their opinion? Am I crazy for thinking this?

SIW


I really don't get your question. Validate what opinion?

She has TOLD YOU that you smother her and you need to back off, so do it.
She also told you that you were not helpful enough with the kids or the bills.
So those are easily identified 180s.

You also know when you pursue and do the R talks... you THEN wish you'd STFU.

Follow your own advice (and hers and ours) and do ZERO R TALK...

be upbeat around her as if you are not dependent on her for your happiness (no doubt that is part of the smothering feeling she gets). It's not fair to burden HER w/having to "make you happy".

You have always been solely responsible for your own happiness. We all are.

I don't mean fakey stuff (but "fake it til you make it" has some value) but be busy with your own hobbies and (things that don't take from the kids time YOU ought to be with them) but when SHE IS with them, go do something a tad mysterious...oh wait, I told you this before. And if you act the way your screen name is, stop it.

No man misses a cold wife and no woman misses a depressed acting man.

It will look like pouting or sulking and reeks of neediness which she will Not be attracted to.

Deep down, you know all this. It's simple. No, not "easy" but not complicated.

Be more disciplined and work the program b/c the program works.

DBing does not save ALL marriages but if done right,

it saves ar least the DBers...

Show her that you get that and are moving towards a place of true contentment You have several weeks to show her the NEW DIFFERENT YOU

OR you can repeat the same unproductive behaviors that got you here.

Stop the controlling behaviors and if you have to ask if it is controlling it probably is. Don't even THINK about why she isn't eating. She simply didn't eat WITH YOU...maybe she ate before or after. If she's upset, so be it. NOT YOUR PROBLEM and please do not read into this.

It reeks of control and maybe you wanting her to be around you?? Or for her to "feel your love" with the dinner--which is pressure AND expectation on your end.

Make dinner for the kids, enough for her IF she wants it but have no expectation that she will. And don't be hurt (or show it) if she says "no thanks".
Assume she won't eat with you, but don't be curt or rude.

That "rule" assembled over the years, about acting as if you have had an awakening is such a good one in all circumstances. It means YOU are changing.



Bottom line-which you MUST understand --is this:


IF she does Not think the marriage can be better/different than before

she won't return to you.


So, what are YOU doing to SHOW her that the marriage can be different/better?

It ALL begins with you changing you and the great news about that, is that it means you are not powerless in this.

Good luck!
_________________________
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M: 30 yrs
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Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2229348 - 03/10/12 12:25 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Don't know if this is outside the board, but here I go. W is reading the "50 shades of grey books" and I thought that I would watch the kids tonight while she relaxes with her iPad. Bought some wine and she took the kids to bed.

We are talking back and forth and she tells me that these books are making her incredibly h**ny and then proceeded to ask me to have sex. She then proceeds to go on and on that this does not change things, etc. between us.

IMHO this was the best time I have had with her since we first dated. She then stated that again this does not change things.

Did i just make a mistake?
_________________________
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W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229380 - 03/10/12 08:44 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8407
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
Did i just make a mistake?


Did you?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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