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Originally Posted By: Valeska19
2,
I echo the many people who have told you to detach.

We know you are concerned for her. We know you care about her. We know you love her enough to put aside the pain of your sitch to focus on the greater need.....

.... Guess what?? So does your w!!!!

So stop beating her over the head with it. Stop the pursuit.

Let your actions speak loud. Do your part....

..... And let your wife do hers..

Because the hard truth is that you can love her and you can be there for her... But it's up to HER to accept it!

And though you can do everything in your power to show her the new and improved 2.....

... Ultimately it's up to her to believe it.

Don't play into her doubt but don't try so hard to convince her with your words.

Make sense?

((( )))



I think I missed this. It looks like we posted on top of each other at the same time, so I missed this post. Good stuff.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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"When a woman is crying and you ask what's wrong and they say "nothing" that doesn't mean literally nothing is wrong, it means nothing that I want to talk to you about. You could still say "I'm sorry that you're hurting" or "I'm here if you want to talk later." It definitely doesn't mean "nothing but keep asking me until I'm mad instead of sad."

That is good advice on what to say. My fall back position is to always want to help, solve, fix, eliminate, rescue, etc.

"I actually think it was fine that you shared the brother's letter. Based on the threat in it, I'd think about making myself scarce while he's there even if W said she wants you there. He obviously doesn't know the real situation and you don't need to create more drama by letting him get in the middle of it."

Agreed ^^^

"I know you're tired. Hang in there. She seems so sad and confused. I shouldn't mind read but I think when she says no one cares about her she might really be feeling like she's not worthy of being cared about. You can't fix that. Distance sounds like exactly what's needed."

That is exactly what it is, she feels she is not worthy. Very poor self esteem and her health crisis has appearantly made that worse!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Sandi2 posted the following on CV's thread:

Quote:
I had to realize he would never be better. He was nearing retirement and he would never climb the "success ladder" any higher. He would never please me in how he kept the back yard, and he would continue to bring junk home to add to his other junk. He would always take all day to think about what he was going to do that day. He would never be the great handyman like my neighbor. He would not measure up in to my father, in my eyes. He would never open open up and talk to me the way I wanted him to, b/c he didn't know how. Neither would he give me the emotional intimacy I wanted b/c he apparently didn't know how to do that either. In other words, he would never change! I really didn't have any hope in him making any kind of change.


These are profound realizations from a WAS. In my R, I know there certainly are things that I need to and have changed. But, I also feel that my W has this expectation that I will and/or am capable of fulfilling every single expectation she has of me. And I unfortunately will never be able to do that, even though the desire is there on my part. Some things I am just incapable of doing.

Quote:
Like it or not, it was something I had to decide if I would live the rest of my life with those conditions, or leave. It was not an easy task.


Not easy indeed! Many WAS's just don't ever allow themselves to consider if they could or would live their life accepting their spouses imperfections. Such a shame.

Quote:
Ever so slowly, as I began reading from the LBH's, I began to understand my own H a little better. And since he didn't know how to reveal that to me, it helped to read it from others. I began to see how I must have been seen in his eyes for a long time.


If only all our our WAS's could come to this level of understanding.

Quote:
The place that may be different for you and me is that I had to reach a place where I felt humility. I think I had put myself up on such a high pedestal that my H didn't stand much chance in rising up to meet me on my level. You would have thought that after I strayed, I'd have fallen off that high pedestal, but I didn't. In fact CV, I had to actually pray that I would feel bad about what I had done, instead of feeling justified. When the shame begin to hit, well it nearly killed me. Forgiving myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Strange, I've never doubted my H's forgiveness, but I've wondered if I really forgiven myself.


This is so important! I have forgiven my W for her EA/A. But she hasn't forgiven herself. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she doesn't feel she needs to. She is the one who has initiated the separation and so I view her much the way Sandi describes above as sitting on this high pedestal looking down on me for all my faults and feeling entirely justified in her decision to exit the M.

Quote:
My lesson here, I hope, is it finally came to me that if my H could forgive what I had done, then why couldn't I forgive him? If he could give me his trust again, then why would I hold on to all that resentment I had against him?


Amen!!!

Quote:
I remember telling my H that I hadn't set out to hurt him when I met the OM and had an EA. But I think it was about two years before I could bring myself to tell him I was sorry. Don't you know that our M never stood a chance as long as I danced around trying to avoid that?


Man, 2 years is a really long time! Can any of us hold out that long?

Quote:
My H really is a good man! He has the best heart of any person I have known. My problem was that he didn't do like I wanted. Maybe I had good reason to feel like I did toward a lot of things, but what I've learned about M, is that most of it is forgiving. Some people say they "overlook" the faults of their S's, but that's just a word for forgiveness. I doubt a day goes by that my H doesn't forgive me for some little offense. After all, I'm not perfect. I hope not, but I'm sure there are many. I have learned that if we forgive the smaller offenses as we go...then the larger ones are not quite as hard as it would be otherwise.


So, much hard earned wisdom in this post! I know that deep down, I am a good person, worthy of the love of my W. That I am not without fault or flaw, but then neither is she.

It is really a shame that many WAS's are in search of perfection which doesn't exist. They have a M that requires regular maintenance but for reasons of their own, are incapable of putting forth the effort to keep the engine running.

Sandi's post above gives me hope that there is a chance for the WAS to turn around and reengage. But, the time involved is what causes many of us to want to give up and move on.

God I pray I can hang on and see this through.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Originally Posted By: 2tp

God I pray I can hang on and see this through.


This is a feeling I've begun having the last week or so, but what keeps pulling me back out of it is S. S doesn't deserve what D would bring, and I know that I could deal with it for his sake. He needs an intact family, that's at least one perspective I have that W does not.

DBing is all about working on ourselves, but when it comes to kids, we have to do what's best for them. If the road is long but eventually winds up where you want it, the journey is worth it.

Isn't it?


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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2- Thanks for posting the pieces above from Sandi. Very good insights and opportunities to hope.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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2Pac - just catching up on your thread and seeing how your W was basically having the same moment as my W did Sat night.

What I think I learned from this and maybe it helps you is that when they do this, and share it with you, it's actually a good thing.

You may not be able to make any sense out of it. That's okay though. They need to spit it all out and then they will put together the pieces when they can.

And dude, I had so much the same reaction as you. With all the kind feedback I got from the people here I was able over the weekend to see it in a new light.

Maybe, same for you?

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And BTW, try to hold back on the whoop a$$ when your BIL shows up!

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W just informed me after receiving what appeared to be a check for her disability but which actually turned out to be just a pay stub, that she is expecting her bonus to be paid soon and that she has plans for the money. In the past we've always just plowed that money into savings and we've over the years built up a sizable nest egg of liquidity from our combined annual bonus's.

However, considering our current state of affairs, who would expect that the old disciplined approach to finances would continue to hold. But I digress...

So W tells me her plans for her bonus money include...wait for it.... breast reduction surgery! shocked

BUSTORAMA to 2TP's thread, STAT!

Could our sitch's run any more parallel? And now that I think of it, was "bustorama" a word play on full on divorce busting or did it have anything to do with your W's own breast reduction surgery?

I love her dearly, but my WAS has gone completely off the deep end with this! She is in the process of recovering from a very close brush with death that occurred less than 1 month ago. She faces the remote possibility of needing a heart transplant and here she is planning to get a breast reduction procedure that I am sure come with its own set of potential health complications.

I don't know what to do anymore! She has decided to dump me as her long time S, she is recovering from a major illness, she has no self esteem and now she feels compelled to get a boob job!

SIGH!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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What?? Friggin harsh 2tp! This will test even the hardiest DBer. Is she looking to get a rise out of you?


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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Oh wow. I will have to let this sink in. So very random!

(((( ))))


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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