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Originally Posted By: Mach1
If things in the Universe were "normal" in 2ville...
What would your response to this be ?
In the world of the WAS...
Most will resort to fixing everything around them, that they think will make them feel better, before they become brave enough to look inside for the answers.....
How is your response to this different than it would be in the past ???


If things were normal, I’d be supportive of her wanting to do this.

Other than my post here, I’ve had no response to her declaration. Probably just a raised eyebrow because I was just so shocked to hear it considering her health scare.

Originally Posted By: ces67
If she were to bring it up again, do you feel it would be possible to ask certain questions just to help her think through her reasons and the timing without her feeling like you were trying to tell her what to do? If so, what could you ask that would allow her to talk through it?


Well she kind of brought it up today in a joking way. I informed her that her bonus check was deposited into our checking account today and that I moved the money into savings where she can get to it whenever she wants. When I told her this she says, well maybe I’ll just get one boob done! laugh

I’m letting it go. She’ll learn quickly enough whether or not she is healthy enough for this type of thing. I’m still interested in what all is entailed and the recovery from such a procedure. I suspect Busto will be along later to fill me in along with some other kernels of wisdom.

Originally Posted By: labug
Do you really think this: while others, family, would probably be saying, well 2TP it should be in your effing control! She's your W! ? Or is it just heat of the moment stuff?


I would only think this if she were to proceed with the procedure. I think their shock would be equal to mine.

Originally Posted By: rickb89
T2 - you know everything and anything is going to be expressed by her. That's a good thing. It means she taking things out and looking at them, and she's sharing them with you.

...You do have the opportunity to provide her with the environment where she can feel safe to take these ideas out, express them TO YOU, and then you have a chance to be like a calming agent for her, a safe place ....yes I see what you're saying, okay I get what you feel, etc.

You're on a heck of a spiritual journey and cleansing right now, and so is she. Theses journey's FWIW have to be made individually. I think given the two you would rather be in your shoes than hers don't you think?

Let her go, and love her still.


Good perspective, Rick. And I like that last part, especially.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
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It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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In one of my early afternoon posts from yesterday, (#2227701 - Yesterday at 01:06 PM) I was reflecting on some of the comments that Sandi2 had shared with CV regarding her journey as a WAS and how I wished my W would have those same realizations as Sandi had.

Today, I went to see my C and ended up in a double session and for the first time since I started seeing him, the tears were flowing. But only after I began to read the post to him that I referenced above.

I don't know what came over me. It was such an emotional moment. I guess I'm feeling like the only way my W and I are ever going to be able to piece our M back together is if she has a similar awakening as Sandi described.

And then I see she posted this today:

Quote:
Just b/c I was able to finally forgive my H, and I got all that bitterness out, I did not immediately have a waterfall of loving feelings come blasting into my heart. It would have been nice, but it didn't happen for me. I had to still have some space (used it mostly on the DB board), and I had to have time to get stronger. That healing process is not for the LBS only. I think he was not ready for me to fall all over him. He needed some time to deal with his side of the pain and heal also. Some couples may feel they have to be glued to each others hip to heal, but my H and I aren't that way. It came in stages or steps, as we were able to move forward, and as we moved forward the " Y " in the road eventually became one lane again.

I started to make a conscious effort to show respect to him. In the past, I felt he didn't deserve my respect b/c he didn't live up to my expectations. It was a big problem. I learned from people here and I began to open my eyes and heart and see all the areas I could respect him. It was a starting point.

I took a conscious effort to speak with a nice tone of voice (a respectful way) when speaking to him. I made an effort to not make facial expressions that spoke a different language from my words. (That always bothered him a lot.)

I made a conscious effort to see the good in him and the things he does. I made an effort to remember why I fell in love with him (thanks to this board).

Little steps at a time went on for a long time and ever so slowly my feelings for him began to change.


So much wisdom and effort to make it work in this post. Just Wow!

==================

One last thing; I got a good perspective on validation and pursuit from my C today. He said to think about what firemen are paid to do. They put out fires. But only when they are "called" to do so. They don't go around blasting water into structures that aren't on fire.

So when your S makes comments and our need to go in and rescue or put out the fire starts to rise up, think about whether or not you are actually getting the "call". If you aren't then simply say, I understand, let me know if there is anything I can do to help and then move on.

For some reason that really resonated with me today.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Quick update:

One other thing that my C helped me to understand and perhaps visualize is as it pertains to the emotional roller coaster that all of us ride from time to time. He said to actually visualize standing in line queuing up to get on the ride.

He said to think of yourself as a single rider standing in line and the emotional roller coaster pulls up and it is your turn to get on. But, because it is an emotional roller coaster you have to physically step back and let another group of riders get on and allow the ride to leave the station with out you.

I thought that was a pretty good visual and it kind of helped me out this afternoon.

=============

This afternoon, W calls up to me and asks if I was planning to take S10 to baseball practice (starts in 20 mins). To do so required that he be picked up from school and then either brought back home to change or change in the car on the way to practice. I hadn't planned on taking him to practice but agreed to do so if she would pull his stuff together which she did.

So I leave to get son from school, get all the way over to the practice fields (fighting traffic the entire time and barely getting there in time) only to discover that we didn't have his glove or bat. Now I'm agitated because I will now have to make the trek back home get his stuff and then trek back to the fields.

I call my W to see if she knows where the gear is and she can tell I'm agitated and starts to get pissy. I know I provoked it due to my agitation. Anyway, she complains "now I'll have to bring the gear by...." I tell her, never mind, I'll come home and get the gear.

On the ride home I'm pretty annoyed and can feel my agitation growing because we are now late, i'm fighting traffic, everyone is going 10 miles below the speed limit, every light is red, etc.

Then..... I start to think about the roller coaster visual and slowly... I start to calm down. Of course the damage was already done, but I think that at least I noticed it and made an effort to adjust my mindset. Now I just need to get it to kick in a lot earlier.

I think I'm getting there, slowly but surely.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Every one of these sitch's is an opportunity to do a little better each time. How'd it go after practice and you were home for the evening?


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
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Good for you for recognizing it and choosing to make yourself relax. Of course you would have liked it to happen quicker, but I'm sure you'll exercise that 'muscle' and it will become easier wach time smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
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I think you did amazing today. Reacting to traffic triggers even keeled people as well. The fact that you calmed yourself down it a testament to all the work you have done. Next time it will happen faster, for sure. Just by you seeing your fustration you have changed your reaction next time. Way to go!


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Like^^^


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Hey 2tp. I hope things are going as well as they can under the circumstances. You've given me some good advice...would you mind taking a look at my post on my thread this morning? Thanks.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Your C sounds like a very wise person! Thanks for sharing different techniques with us. It's so easy to get wrapped up in everyday stress. I know I get easily agitated when I'm late to something and when in traffic. When I hear my S4 being a backseat driver and start saying things like "go people" or "come on, what's taking so long", it reminds me how I need to slow down and watch what I as, as it does spill over.

Awesome job putting your C's suggestion into practice!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Feeling a little bummed at the moment. W just now tells me that with my upcoming trip to Spain which will have me away for over a week that she needs to get back into her routine of managing things on her own and that it is probably best for me to leave soon.

I knew this day was coming, but it still kind of feels like rejection all over again.

Compounding things is that I was helping her send a fax today and as she was flipping between various windows on her laptop, I notice one window with the OM's resume on it. It really hurts to have that reminder pop right up in my face again.

Sigh!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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