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#2227766 - 03/05/12 08:18 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
An update. We had mostly up days with one more down day yesterday, but at least it ended well. J is leaving school today. (he works full time and goes to school full time. He has done this since 2010)

The decision to withdraw from school is his alone. I listened, validated his feelings and let him set his own course. He did say that "We'll have to start paying on my student loans now" which there's no way he can pay on his own.

I am still reading DR and taking reassurances in the two case studies presented there, and other excerpts. I have also read "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You" by Andrew G. Marshall, and "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is" by Laura Munson. "ILYB" has given me a great deal of insight into my own behaviors that need to change, and I am working toward that, and a better ability to forgive in IC while giving J the time and distance he needs. (no matter how much I cry after I go to bed at night.)

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#2227770 - 03/05/12 08:33 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Hi justkelly. Your situation sounds similar to mine except that my H moved out across town and is no longer in the house...easier to detach but awfully lonely. It is so painful, I agree.

I saw my IC this morning and she advised me that I need to "think about things" differently because in doing so I will react differently. I am supposed to be thankful he has this time to himself because otherwise he would NOT have this time to work on himself. My H dropped bomb, moved out, came home 1 week later, continued with EA/PA and moved out again 5 weeks ago today. So, I have to be thankful for this time alone. We were as close as you two sound and it has been difficult since the ILYB bombs. I asked her about the loneliness and she said also that I should see this as a gift. I am very lucky to have quiet time to myself. So....we'll see if I can implement these 2 new thought processes because, I'll be honest, last night I was ready to SCREAM at the pain of this situation. I feel for you.

Did you like those 2 books? I almost ordered both of them...and instead opted for Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. Was also advised to get a book titled, I think, When He Leaves.

Thinking of you....
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2227777 - 03/05/12 08:46 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: ptcr]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
I really liked "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You" - but the review on Amazon that said you'd have to stop reading often so you can cry is spot on.

It helped me to realize that J's love language is loving acts, and showing consideration. Mine is physical - touch, kissing, lovemaking, etc. It helped me to realize that we moved from Loving Attachment in our marriage to Loving Regard and there we stayed since we were both giving love only in our own language. Now, I am using the skills in DR and ILYB in combination with loving distance and IC to help heal myself and focus on making the changes I need.

The lovemaking part has always been a problem for us, but a problem that has to be put aside until things are on less shaky ground.

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#2227778 - 03/05/12 08:53 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Did you read the 5 Love Languages book? I have no idea how to "work" on anything while we are apart....it scares me to pieces. I am trying to GAL and read all I can about ME so I can change ME and am hoping I get a chance to "show off" these changes. I feel brave one minute and terrified the next. How to GAL? I have been a Navy wife and stay at home Mom for 22-plus years. Volunteer work is my best option now...

Yes, I read that Amazon review and it frightened me! HA!! Do you think I should even pick it up considering I am sitting in my house alone and hoping for him to come home or at least initiate ANY contact with me? 5 weeks ago today he moved out....we speak only by text and have had only a few phone calls regarding money and S16. (except for one pre DB phone call which was AWFUL and he let the battery on his iphone die because he "cared so much" for me he would not hang up...yes - I am NOT proud! That was my begging, pleading stage! LOL!)
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2227780 - 03/05/12 08:54 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: ptcr]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Oh, hon, I could have written what you wrote. Your R sounds so similar to mine. I pretty much got the ILYB speech, too, but my H moved out in January to a friend's house, and permanently to a rented apartment this last weekend. I was so close to him and we did so much together that being without him feels almost unnatural at times. And I can definitely relate to the shock of hearing such hurtful things out of his mouth. My H has said things like, "I don't see you as an intimate partner anymore," and "In my subconscious mind, I never agreed to marry you." WTF? I thought I knew this man better than myself....

Anyway, there IS hope and you seem to be on track and very insightful in how you're handling this. You're right that you must be patient and it is HARD to do that. A MLC can take a long time to work its way out and you must absolutely do what you can to focus on you in the meantime. That way, you will be OK no matter what happens to the R. I agree with pt, that it is helpful to see this time alone as a gift to yourself. It can be difficult to this when you are ready to tear your hair out, but once you really start seeing it that way, you will begin to appreicate it, at least some of the time.

Keep reading and posting. So many of us have been there.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2227784 - 03/05/12 09:04 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: mimivac]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Hi mimi, let me add to your list that I heard the "I don't love you like a husband is supposed to love a wife." Does this make you feel better, or at least not alone, justkelly? I read somewhere else on this board that Satan is alive and well and not that smart because he is handing out the same scripts to all of the men! True, true, true. They all say the same things. Isn't it wild to read the similarities of their stories? Ladies, we are all in the same place and it makes me feel so less lonely to know this. Wish we could PM our email addresses....
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2227805 - 03/05/12 09:56 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: ptcr]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
It does make me feel less alone. I've cried so much reading "ILYB" because I saw the two of us in there, and the breakdown that happened to get us where we are now. DR gives me hope that using solution focused methods and letting J have time and distance while working on me, that we can find our way toward love again.

I am keeping a private online journal that only close friends can read, and I have a support group of close friends who know what's going on. Having places to turn is a godsend.

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#2227817 - 03/05/12 10:14 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
I love the idea of a private online journal. What do you use? I agree, friends are a Godsend. I have literally hunted up people from the past and reconnected with them...many of our stories share a similar thread. Thank heavens for them...

Going to get that book now on my iPad and go to the gym with it. Thanks!
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2227820 - 03/05/12 10:18 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: ptcr]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
Hi mimi, let me add to your list that I heard the "I don't love you like a husband is supposed to love a wife."


Wow. When H dropped the bomb on me he said, "I don't feel for you things I am supposed to." Pretty much the exact same thing, huh? It does make me feel better that they are speaking from the same script -- less alone and more hopeful. Hang in there, ladies and GAL as best as you can.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2227865 - 03/06/12 12:18 AM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: ptcr]
mncwng Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
Hi mimi, let me add to your list that I heard the "I don't love you like a husband is supposed to love a wife."


wow, i just wanted to chime in and say that my husband said word for word the same thing to me shortly after the bomb. i don't post much, but am rooting for all you ladies. reading through your respective sitches makes me feel less alone for sure.

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