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I don't know what happened! I spent an hour last night on another wordy post and could have sworn I saw it after submit button was keyed. Argh!!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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How about this: you've forgiven someone for X when your choices, actions, treatment of him is no longer about the pain X caused you. There are no thoughts of teaching him a lesson, being withholding, no worries about him thinking you were over it, no thoughts of revenge, no tit for tat, no resentment, no flinching from him as the source of the pain. The PAIN itself is no longer shaping your choices.

There might still be lingering sadness, lingering pain. But, the current and future R with the person is not about the pain. You might even begin to look at how experiencing the pain enriched your life in some unexpected way -- not to justify X, but to accept it and see how sometimes the worst things can help us move forward.

Of course, the fact that X happened may inform your future choices, but in a matter-of-fact kind of way.

In my case: Hey H, I'll plan to go to event Z on my own tonight. If you're here when I leave at 7, we can go together which would be great :-)

In your case: Hey H, I still feel insecure about your R with OW. I want us to work on rebuilding trust. I've been looking at how to do this and transparency is an important part of it.


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Quick question....

In an effort to give my H some things to do to make him feel like a good provider, I gave him two "house" issues yesterday. One was a hose that split presumably with the winter freeze (surprising, since we hardly had a winter.) The second is a piece of siding that has blown loose with all the wind we're having right not. Both of these are issues that I could have immediately dealt with, but opted to set them aside and do others things so that I would have something to ask H to do. I just put it back and sort of tucked it in.

It could have been dealt with yesterday by H, because even after dark there's a streetlamp right there shining on it. But he asked to wait until today in the daylight, and I said sure. Today it has blown loose again. I can year it flapping against the outside of the house. I'm concerned that it's going to rip off altogether, possibly taking some other pieces with it. I'm trying to "sit on my hands" and not jump to fix it. If I don't, it will possibly be worse by the time he gets to it.

Do I go out and secure it myself? (H is at work and can't fix it right now.) Or do I let it go and let him deal with it regardless?

And then, preemptively, when he comes to me and asks me how I think he should fix it, should I just tell him I'm sure he'll figure it out and not jump in? Or do I tell him (as if I'm some siding expert, which I'm not.)


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CV, these are things that I would label as "Honey Do's." The list often grows long before it starts to grow short only to be added to once again. Your H needs to be able to get to these chores in his own time, not yours, thus the list.

Here's an idea. If the flapping siding is really bugging you, secure it in the most obvious way possible (duct tape come to mind). This way you temporarily solved the immediate concern without preempting your H's ability to complete the tasks correctly as he has said he would do.

There is an old I Love Lucy episode where Lucy wants Ricky to build a BBQ grill in the back yard and he keeps putting it off. So one day Lucy and Ethel decide they'd start it in the hopes that Ricky and Fred would be so appalled by their W's notion that they could do a "mans job" that they would take over and everyone would be happy. Of course a lot of hilarity ensues but I think you get my point.

Do what you need to do, but just enough to solve your immediate concern while letting your H follow through as you are expecting him to do.


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Okay, I like that.

If this is just a "honeydo" item, am I off-base? I'm trying to apply the advice given in regards to the furnace/hot water heater/taxes/dish washing/etc. and giving H something to do rather than just handling it myself, in an effort to make him feel "needed."


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The hose and siding sound like honeydo's to me. Major repairs might also fall under that heading but they take on a little bit more importance. Somewhere there is a balance.

Maybe a compromise where both of you feel valued and heard is to really make a honeydo list, complete with fancy title and lettering and hang it in a prominent location like a calendar so you can easily add to it and cross out items as they get completed.

Then maybe come to an understanding with your H along the lines of....

H, as you or I come across things that need to get done around the house, I thought we could add the items to this fancy honeydo list that I created so we can keep track. If I have time to get some of the things done, I'll cross them off as I complete them. And the same for you. I think it wold be a fun way to keep track of these things and also give us both a sense of accomplishment when things get crossed off the list. What do you think?

Now if he buys into this you have to be careful not to do any score keeping. Because that will backfire and you will also become resentful because I get the sense that you'd just like to get every item crossed off the list, and you would! Right?

Just remember if you at least have the list it makes it difficult for your H to say I didn't know or I forgot. Make it part of your normal household routine. Just try not to get impatient.

Here's an example: My W was harping (yes harping) on me to change out a light bulb in my son's bedroom closet. To me that was an extremely low priority item considering everything else I had to do. The longer it took me to get that task completed, the more pissed she got.

But to my mind, if it was that important, then do it yourself or wait until I got around to doing it. Of course because it was such a low priority item, I forgot about it a bunch of times --- this is where a honeydo list would have been helpful for me as well.

See I am learning right along with you! smile


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Will that do it for HIM? Make him feel like he has value? Is it possible that it will have the opposite effect, in making him feel inadequate because I'm knocking things off the list right and left and he's not? (simply because I am more motivated than him, plus work is really slow right now so I have more opportunity.) I don't want to go backwards.

We already have a "things to do" list. Some things have been on there for years. This siding (and the furnace, hot water heater and taxes) have an external priority to them. I was told that maybe I needed to let him handle those things in order to "Give H a chance to shine." I was trying to do that with the siding issue and the hose, but I'm not sure I have it right.


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You know, it is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth. How you manage it I think will determine how your H feels about his value/worth in the equation.

If you start knocking off items left and right, then I think this will not work. Why not pace yourself. You do one thing, then wait for him to do one thing, then you do one thing then he does one thing. Take time to celebrate together when long lingering items get accomplished, (I know it sounds corny, but maybe give that a try).

Maybe ask him to show you how to do something, even if you already have an idea how it is done. Let him lead you instead of vise versa.

Remember timing is everything! MWD talks about how her H needs time to "process" and "reflect" before acting or making a decision. When she harps on him before he has had his time to process, it always backfires.

I think for you CV, there is probably some middle ground that will work for you and your H. Engage him in the process but take it slow and only in baby steps if you have concerns about going backwards.

Hope this helps.


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Originally Posted By: Crazyville
...and giving H something to do rather than just handling it myself, in an effort to make him feel "needed."


I'm going out on a limb here to say that more than feeling needed, that he wants to feel love and that he is contributing in a way you appreciate.

Please let him know when he does something from the list that you love him and appreciate him doing that. Whether it's off the list or anything in general.

Praise the positive rather than punishing the negative.

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Quote:
Praise the positive rather than punishing the negative.

Got that! There has not been a negative thing come from my mouth in a week. And I'm watching for the positives, always.


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