I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends

[Sad in WI]

Today W woke up early today and the kids were asleep. Some small talk and I said I really hate this, you are a zombie to me, told her that I miss talking to her, hate having to sit with her and not be able to talk like we normally do. Said she can't help it, she wants to be in "love" with the person she is with.

I told her that I can't change how she feels, but feelings can and do change. We then started to talk about finances and how messed up they were. She had bounced her checking account 12 times this last six months. Really fealt like sh*t because I never new this or the extent of the money problems. Told her that she needs to talk to me about them. Offered to take over the bills, she said they were a mess and did not know where to start, but did not say no.

She is worried that the "changes" are only temporary and will soon pass. I said that I am sorry she feels that way, but this time alone has made me reflect on how I have been treating the kids and family. That my relationship with the children is better and that either way they are better off now that they were. W stated that they have been much better behaved and that it was nice that it was not all her. While I have been coming home I may have been here, but logged into work does not do her much help. Told her that I am realizing how exhausting this could be and that I appreciate all she does.

Wanted to to tell her that it took a long time to get here and that it would take a long time to get out.

We then just proceeded to talk, like we used to. S10 then wakes up and is sick. W is worried since she can't miss work, told her that it was not a problem that I could work from home today. Starting to take care of him. D6 woke up and is now sick, called W and said that I am not good at this stuff and that I could use your help, she said that's ok, W talked to my D for a diagnosis. I then thanked her for her help.

I am now working at home taking care of them. Should I expect a back step now from the W?

[labug]

Today W woke up early today and the kids were asleep. Some small talk and I said I really hate this, you are a zombie to me, told her that I miss talking to her, hate having to sit with her and not be able to talk like we normally do. Said she can't help it, she wants to be in "love" with the person she is with.

I know you've read the 37 "Rules". What is the above paragraph?

I told her that I can't change how she feels, but feelings can and do change. We then started to talk about finances and how messed up they were. She had bounced her checking account 12 times this last six months. Really fealt like sh*t because I never new this or the extent of the money problems. Told her that she needs to talk to me about them. Offered to take over the bills, she said they were a mess and did not know where to start, but did not say no.

How would you describe this discussion?

You are still spinning. Can you lock yourself in a room for about 48 hrs and just slow down. You talk alot but talk is cheap, actions will be what make the difference.

Less talk, more action.

[workinghardguy]

LA is right Sad... knock it off, you know better but it feels good so you do it. Right? I know because that was me still four weeks ago before W moved out. God it feels good. Like you're connecting.

When she wants to connect with you she will.

I'd also strongly suggest you read "How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It". Don't let the title confuse you... it's probably not going to save your M in the immediate sense of the word. But it will show you lots of stuff you need to know and internalize.

Wives don't go down this road, usually, unless they feel ultimately alone. Why they feel alone can vary, but in the end it's that they are already doing this alone, so why carry you along too? If all of that money stuff is true then I suspect your W feels terribly alone. A few weeks of "new you" isn't going to change things. Months... lots of months, maybe a year, maybe a few might, but there is no magic bullet, no instant fix.

It doesn't appear there is an OM for her to run to... this is good, b/c that would be the next thing. But right now she feels entirely alone and abandoned by you. So don't expect her to want or need any comfort from you.

And this is a marathon not a sprint. Dig in and be ready for a long run. It seems like it's spiraling towards disaster, towards the end of things. You come on here hoping one of us will tell you it looks like you're about to turn the corner.

None of us can do that... sorry. I truly wish we could. I know I wished that for a long time. But you're not spiraling towards disaster. If you split up, you and the kids will be ok. But only if you work on you and change yourself. Single, super-working dad who focuses on work and not family isn't going to work out well. Not if you want kids who don't despise you as they get older. Focus on them right now. Focus on being a dad first. You can't go wrong focusing on your kids. Focusing on your W only invites heartbreak and angst.

[labug]

AS I was reading WHG's response,(who's been down a long hard road, read his threads) it came to me that you have not accepted your W's point of view.

You think she's wrong, confused, a little crazy. Yes?

Her POV is 100% correct to her right now, just as your's is 100% correct to you.

Until you accept that she's right, won't move forward

[workinghardguy]

Thanks LA... I would add one thing, from a guy's perspective...

Don't make it about "right or wrong". You need to understand it is what it is. You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to like it, want it, or feel she is right. If you're like me you will have a hard time getting past the "moral rightness" of tearing a family apart for things that can be fixed. Of inflicting pain on your kids so things are better for her.

This moral righteousness will consume you. This isn't about being right, it's about being. You can stand in judgment of her if you like, but you'll be standing alone.

Look at her and see that she is hurting. Why is she hurting? Who knows, but she is. And then ask what can you do to help with the pain? But realize you can only control you.

So your wife may not be "right". But that's not the question. She is what she is and where she is, is where she is. It all has a very Zen feel to it, btw.

I know I find myself now repeatedly defending my W from people who feel a need to have moral outrage. My mom, my co-workers, friends of my W... all who just don't understand what she is doing or why. Who see the pain being brought on the children and are angry for them and angry with her. I've done a lot of "glass houses" and "cast the first stone" conversations. My W is where she is. Being angry or vengeful sure would feel good, but doesn't get us anywhere. We all have our own crosses to bear.

[Sad in WI]

Working Hard - I would agree that there is no right or wrong, it just is. I got excited because she was talking, I always have to add my two cents. I think all would be better served if I STFU and acted rather than talked.

I would say that I am not mad at my W, but simply frustrated. Anger was never a feeling I had towards her.

[tenbusrider]

I would say that I am not mad at my W, but simply frustrated. Anger was never a feeling I had towards her.

Right there with you. I've been working on owning the stuff I've done that's put my M where it is, but occasionally we'll have a few good days, then it slides back into the status quo. My frustration grows more every time this happens, but it's mostly because I'm not doing anything to get my mind off of it. This is why GAL is so important.

GAL isn't my point, but just want you to know the frustration is normal, and you should probably expect to feel varying amounts of that mixed with strange relief when things aren't so tense.

[Sad in WI]

She called and checked on the sick kids. Then had to run through a series of symptons with the kids. Could tell she was getting frustrated so I wrapped the conversation up.

[HollyAnn]

I see nothing but cake eating by your W. You are really dancing to her tune right now. Why? Just because you made mistakes in the M too?
Please keep in mind how she freaked when you wanted to move out. She is not "doing this because of the kids," she is keeping you home for her own convenience.
She doesn't have to feel any consequences because you are right there catering to her and still trying to "fix" things. Can't be done this way; plus, women do not respect men that they can boss around and walk all over.
I think you may reconsider moving out for a bit. Let her really feel the reality of her choices. The sooner, the better! Do not let this drag out until she has all her ducks in a row before she cuts you loose.
Because that is exactly where this is headed.
Take back your huevos.

[adinva]

Be careful and find out what ramifications there might be for child custody later on if you move out.