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#2226811 - 03/02/12 12:46 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: MrBond]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
Mr. Bond,

I am fortunent to have full disability from private insurance company and SS. I truly see a clear pattern of increased anxiety and bipolar syptoms when husband pulls antic like paying fast and loose by not paying bills on time, or screwing around with the mortgage, or the timing of my support check.

The extreme symptoms of paranoia over the past three years, with a combination of therapy and anti-psychotics, we finially have under control. So much so, that I know when "reality" or more specially, a "mind game" such as the surveillence begins - and I simply ignore it, or if possible phone the police and forget about. I have control, finially, to not let that crap scare me any longer. Furthermore, the neighbors here have now witnessed servellence if this home. And, I have photo documentation.

The worst part of that phase of paranoia was that I could tell people were not believing me. Even my therapist at the time (changed theripist). My phychiastrist has believed me all along, and explained paranoia always starts with something in reality - you must develop the skill not to let it spin out of control. Therefore, for now, I do not have to take the anti-phscotic.

My life is very simple, although, the medications do indeed make simple tasks very difficult. Due to the addition stress, anxiety, and insomnia (over the possbility of a trial, or losing my home) caused Psychiatrist to increase doses of mood stabilizers to control bi-polar 2 is nothing less than a zombee drug. It is paralyzing, but a bettermood stablizer than the other options, believe me. With beniodizapines at night, it works on insomnia pretty well.

Not sure how increased AD really effect me. I am sleeper. When sleep gets regular again, I can try my ADHD med in daytime. I'm anxious to try the new on as Redilin just knocked me out.

Doc believes once this is behind me my syptoms will descrease. I just can let him push my buttons. Changing that AmEx to a fake email was so stupid, and may have unknown consequences, I know why he did it. He doesn't trust me and also, he doesn't trust the computer systems. But making up an address is dumb. That's why I got flustered at first - "MaMa steppin in to fix things!". But soon, I will have to accept that our bunnies will no longer be any of my business, once he buys me out. And that is that. Indeed the judge will likely profer a much better buy out price then we have lower ourselves to.

it is so painful, that I am no longer needed in the business. It took a life time savings to get it. And I will get a buy-out less what's owed, and he will proper with the future of the business.

I suppose these are matters I will struggle with for some time. Thank for your suggestions Mr. Bond. There is nothing more I would like to do than to move back to where I came from - the great city of Chicago. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2226860 - 03/02/12 02:48 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: MrBond]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10464
Loc: west coast
Yas, Bond...

I would Not say that all patients MUST learn to live without their meds. Even if "external" factors are playing a role, or "triggering" things, that does NOT mean there are no biochemical underlying issues...her doctor said, I think, that she is predisposed to this.

Seems Her h mistreated her, but that is not the "cause" of her illness, it's an aggravating factor. Same for her job...if stress "caused" mental illness we'd all be in a padded cell.

Life throws us all a curve ball now & then, like a parent's death, or divorce, and if one already had a chemical imbalance, they may well need meds a long time.

My main point here is, In alignment with DB 101 of "doing what works and Not doing what does not work", I say if meds help you, use them.

Yas You are sort of all over the place on this site. Seems you swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. Settle down and listen to the therapist and physicians you have. Are you a patient who does as the doctor plans?

You asked us what "TO DO". We cannot tell you to divorce him OR "stay married at all costs".

But I do suggest you Stop waiting for this man OR expecting anything from him in the future.

ATM I think you will read that and nod in agreement. But I fear your next post will talk about how he'll have to "buy you back" and that you are "not cheap"...what's that about?

Are you really planning your life around the possible reunion, post divorce? Didn't you just say that would be too late for you?

Anyhow...for us to support YOU, we need to know more about you and less about him and less about what happened 4 years ago or 6 years ago. This is about now and "from this day forward", and what you want/need in your life to be happy.

You must lose the scorecard, and that's not just a suggestion for salvaging some type of relationship with your h.

It's to have you let go of the past, and all the pain you are carrying around b/c if you do not do that, you cannot be happy. No one carrying around their baggage and anger and a painful past, can be happy.


How about we see a post about YOU and your GAL activities? Oh, running away is not a GAL activity. A vacation would be GAL, or joining something where you meet new people, or an activity you have never done before...also one in which you meet new people.

For now, maybe your goal can be to just get out of the house on a regular basis.

Please, do not keep making your life revolve around your h...or your pending divorce or your fears.

I've testified in my brother's divorce and seen many divorces, (I am a L) and though all divorces sukk, they are not fatal. Remember that. And real trials are RARE...

Try not to let your fear of the trial paralyze you. Almost NO divorces go to trial and when they do, about 1% go in front of juries.

Fear has influenced the bulk of your decisions and a lot of your actions, to your detriment.

The constant focus on your h and how he has mistreated you does not help you

UNLESS

it helps you to detach from him and see him objectively...which I cannot tell.
But I know that Fear based choices do not lead to joy or balance in your life.

Do you believe, deep down, that you deserve happiness?


Originally Posted By: MrBond
Never mind, I found your response about the meds.

IMHO your doctors are right. It seems that your condition (anxiety, stress, paranoia) is a result of outside stimuli and not anything biological.


Bond, not to quibble but that's not how I read it. FWIW.

Your posts are very erratic and so I'm really concerned about that. I know it's difficult to wean yourself off of the meds, but I firmly believe that unless you get a handle on how to deal with stress in general, you will be dependent on meds for the rest of your life.


IMO, now is no time to wean off the meds unless your doctors say to. And what work are you
doing to get the tools you need to cope with stress better? IF you are not, then don't stop the meds. Plus you alluded to the fact that you have done things whle manic, that you regret. You don't say what, but I trust you are accurate.

In short, I feel as if your inability to handle stress consistently, is working against you and NOT helping your cause.

The calls to your h are NOT helping your cause. DB 101 says "do NOT do what does NOT work" and those calls and VMs do not help you.


You should and CAN live without that.



Bond my friend, you know I almost always agree with you buddy. But why not leave this issue of meds to her doctors?

YES- Yas you do talk about the meds a lot, and act as if you have little control over yourself with OR without them...but that's a cop out.
Even with your diagnosis, you are still responsible for your actions and your efforts at getting better.

My hope is that you'll comply with the physician's directions and contact them ASAP if there are side effects or ineffectiveness in your meds. That is solely YOUR responsibility. Do you get that?

The doctors are not mind readers and cannot tell what you are feeling at home. Sounds as if they have made great effort to provide you with free meds via the samples. Do you trust your doctor or not?


Maybe you need to just totally change your life and do something that doesn't require so much stress. Living simpler doesn't mean you're sacrificing anything. A quiet lifestyle may suit you well after all this.


Agreed ^^^....Some people function better w/stress but for you, a less stressful life is a great suggestion.

What changes in your life are you willing to make?


Do you see the value of letting go of your h, fully?

Even if you really want to reconcile with him, (which you seem to) THEN letting him go is probably the best course of action to take- b/c nothing else has worked.

You must not keep pursuing him b/c that backfires. Detach...please.

If you are meant to be together, then detach and let him discover that

and if you are NOT, then moving on that much faster gets you to happiness that much faster.

make sense?

As far as your soon to be ex h following you or surveilling you or having his friends do it, I guess my question would be, so what?

If he's trying to send you over the edge, don't let it. It would not bother me unless I was inside and half naked and they were acting like papparazzi.

Why spend so much energy on wondering "WHY???" he is doing/thinking/planning or feeling anything?

He is not relevant to your life now. You are responsible for your happiness AND your life.

You always were, and are the only person who is in charge of your life. SO

Let's hear more about YOU and less, or nothing, about HIM...
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2226972 - 03/02/12 07:35 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
Pre-disposition or no pre-disposition, I could have done well with out the latter aggravated. The former has had great impact on my achievements and abilities throughout life. Without high doses of meds, the amazingly orderly side of the disorder could be called creative genus.

One of my goals, is a book, an important book, about a particular artist that mentored me as a young girl of 15. I was looked at as a podigy, and never had to pay a dime for my extreme education. I re-visited this artist as I prepared an insuance claim where two of his works were damaged.

I found he had passes away two years back. I became immediately intered in a "research-oriented" project for the first time since I stopped working in 2000. I know so easily how to set this all up, as I've had the best training. Already I have several contact lined up for oral histories. This prices of his work are enormous now. But he gave so much in other ares such as mentoring, and affairs of mankind, that have not been published.

Since I am skilled in his medium of lithography, this technical genus (which he also passed to me) I could easily put to paper - as no one has! Well the story goes on and on. That is a GAL that has been put on the back burner this month while I got off track.

The six months away really helped ME. I understand completely every point you are making 25, it is exactly what I try to promote, perhaps a bit more gently ( when I sense one is ready). I got it, and will expound on my notes of my Goals - several of which I accomplished surprisingly.

Upcoming Goals:

1. Speck to Art Appraisat in Cali. tonight to Complete Statefarm Claim (materials have not come in mail, and are not able to be read from emails)
2. Call contact/associate about a timeline constrution to collect oral histories
3. Find post modern methodolgy text on collecting oral histories and information @ Key informants
4. Gather and send 3 years of unpaid bills to attorney to collect
5. Sunday Morning: Reestablish contact with Mother
6. Get a calendar and start planning a research year, involving travel.
7. Smooze contact I have as a co-author that could write grants for project.
8. Continue applying active listening to get people interest in my reseach topic.
9. Break down and pay a certain amount of hours per week for medication management and goal management, some secretarial. Say 3-6 hours consistently per week - hours must be directed at a specific area, not random.
10. At least one anti-agoraphobic once a week.

This is all I can handle at the moment, 25. I will address your entire mail.

I still wanna know, why, someone who says they don't want their marriage, goes out of their way to follow their wife when they see her on the road.

Don't think there will be trouble at this house after investigation and injuries last summer. Plus neighbors are vigilant. The man across the street even went to the car watching the house, and shot the breeze with him. Thats when no one really knew where I was cause I ditched my car at a shop in the rental town.

I think it will be fun to see my friends over there. The place is just about ready, and Zi just had a call about it today. I need to bring a truckload of stuff home. It will be good to get away. I always have my DB in my phone to protect me!

I will respond more with my coffee in the morning Mr. 25. I am not a yotal failure. It was just a huge slip. Yas/c
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2226975 - 03/02/12 07:58 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
MrBond Online
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10609
I'm not saying that Yas should be totally off meds, but it seems like the usage and dosage has increased with each situation. It might be a good idea to wean off them a little and substitute it with some activity that will help with the anxiety. Exercise, meditation, yoga, whatever. Something that will calm the nerves a bit.

"I still wanna know, why, someone who says they don't want their marriage, goes out of their way to follow their wife when they see her on the road."

Mindreading. You won't be able to know his intentions any more than he can know yours. Bottom line is your H isn't there. Take care of yourself first Yas.

Concentrating on something new is great. Just be sure you balance it with something that is not as intense.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2227221 - 03/03/12 06:36 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: MrBond]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
I can go back to NC and darkness. It made detachment efforts so much easier, and the settlement process clear and concise when I worked with my attorney.

Now that settlement phase has failed thus far, I really am on edge. I am more dependent recently on monthly support payment. That and a series of other funchal matters led me into a pattern of having to contact him.

That problem is now solved, as he seemed to ignore some critical money matters and I had to ask my attorney for help. This is how it will go from now on. When there is an issue, I will email it to attorney. I just get too frustrated when important matters are ignored.

I tried to do a nice "hello," and certaiinly have been professional in the VM I have left, with the exception of the last one (fed up with no response on possibly of identy fraud matter). It so much easier to forward to attorney. Also, by not answering or returning my extremely infrequent business calls, (and now discarding the message of the business call), enough rejection is enough rejection.

So, I am alone. Husband is not with me. That is the reality. I have had a set back. When I saw his vehicle following me, I took it as a sign of hope. It means nothing, and I need to get over it.

The above took my concentration for a few weeks here. I need to create some visual charts so I can remember my goals, and chart some realistic GALing, as latter is my weakest area, due to reclusiveness/agoaphobia.

I will make the visuals tomorrow. I have platy of Goals, and have been meeting them consistently. I need more ideas for GALs I can handle. Just getting outside would be a good one. I thought I would be comfortable walking my dogs at the rental house (not this house yet).

What else for reclusive type on GAL? Any ideas?

It was a pretty big deal for me to go next door, ring the bell, and ask to borrow 2 eggs last night from my neighbor! I feel ok about it, because they have been so kind to have the neighborhood assist on my yard. They wanted to give me extra eggs for my breakfast the next day! I declined, I just needed those 3 for the meatballs I was making. I was nurvious a little, and I smacked my bare toes on their brick steps! I really screwed up my toes. I need to start wearing shoes.

Maybe when I get my house looking nice again, I could invite them for a gormet meal? Or perhaps two couples. I used to love to entertain, and host the party. That could be a Spring time GAL, if I'm not thrown out of the house by then. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2227391 - 03/04/12 12:56 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
I was an idiot again last night. Left more VM apologizing for anger on previous VM. I'm spinning. I even had to go through a bunch of trouble to unlock the parental controls and beg the password from my girlfriend.

I suppose I have make the most wicked fool out of myself as possible. I am so ashamed. I've been under such great control for six months. What the heck has happened?

My intentions are good, and then, I mess up.

Like I've advised others, you can always start fresh the next day.

I just hate myself. I didn't beg, plead, or do stuff like that. I discussed matters regarding insurance claim, importance of re-fi, crap like that. One call at a time, as if I was really talking to someone. Then I felt satisfied, and went to bed.

This morning, I'm mortified. I was doing things like this years ago. I thought I had broken myself with the parental controls. At least I never thought to do it in a very very long time. And as this legal stuff starts stirring up, I am panicking, I suppose. I used to get worried after these episodes that I would get in trouble. Now that is what I'm worried about now. I'm scared. I can't move.
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2227413 - 03/04/12 02:23 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2517
Loc: Piney Land
Yass are u employed? You need to stop Persuing and get a hold of yourself. You seem to be all over the place. Were you diagnosed as having agoraphobia? Are you in treatment.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2227460 - 03/04/12 05:17 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Rick1963]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
I have not worked since 2000. I have been on full psychological disability ( both private and social security). The arghoraphbia gets better and gets worse, depending on circumstances. Indeed, I spend too much time alone, avoid media now. Seems always adding a little something to it.

There are a few doors opening where I feel ok to try being around people again. Such as in the front yard he at the neighborhood, after they all were so nice to clean up the leaves from the yard, I don't feel so ashamed of my curcumstances.

When I talk to people, sometimes I stutter, or get confussed, or get excited and talk too much. I really should start back to church again. That was working out well. I was even-out with medication then.

But now, the dose is higher, and that hurts my confidence. Also, I'm afraid Doctor will have to increase anti-depressants, once I tell him of my daytime sleeping escape that I've started recently. I'm just in a bad fix right now. I clearly understand what Mr. Bond, Rick64, Rick68, 25, and Labug and others have told me. I recently had put my eggs in the MLC basket (which gave me some natural hope), but hope and husband that is not "here" is irrevant to my recovery. I totally got that.

The other lesson I learned this week was it does not matter what Husband does (surveillance, games with money, stalling out divorce process while throwing out intimating threats about trial, etc.). None of it matters a flip - as any interpretation is called "mindreading." Removing this mental analysis from
my daily activities is not unlike taking away another pacifer from me. But I know it is a heathy direction. And it feels like a loss, just as it did when I no longer could anaylize the phone records. Getting my hands off his phone records really cut down on that dimension of obsessing.

I am not going to do anymore Mindreading. I am not going to inssentantly ask "what does this mean, what does this mean, what does this mean?"

When I feel more confident with the medications and my "affect" and have permission from doctor, I am going to find somewhere to volunteer. I did that at the church one summer, creating the huge bulletin boards for the different grade levels - but I needed help with my Stephen's Minister when it came down to getting the job down. She really enjoyed it, and learned a lot and soon after she was able to get a much needed job in that department of the Church. Might have been a good thing I included her - as it was a much bigger project than I thought! I remember it being fun.

I think I would do well volunteering with the elderly - doing arts and crafts, crazy dancing, that kind of thing. I like the elderly because they never raise their eyebrows about the colors in my hair, and they smile a lot a me. I have access too. The girl who does my hair works with elderly hair styles, and just bout a shop on the premises of a nursing home. I could do free photography at their dances, I'm sure all sorts of things whilst promoting my friendgirl's business.

My book idea is a way to put my hand back into my profession again. I am going to need an associate to handle some contacts that are political in nature, as I know fir sure I will screw that up. Anyway, I have found the contact, now it is just a matter to get her to agree - I think mostly she is in shock that I asked her and value her input as a contributor. She said she experience editing, and I reminded that she knew the artist personally throughout his lifetime, and has
sold his work, and knows more about him than I do, plus she has the credentials of an art appraiser. We are becoming long distance friends. It would be an edited compilation anyway, I certainly hope she willagree to co-author.

So these were GAL I was seriouly contemplating not less than a month ago. And now, I'm a bowl of jelly.

But I do know WHY know I should not concern myself with certain things. I got that. And, I have dropped the rope before, and can do it again.

So, your questions: no, I am not employed, by doctor's orders. But I do have an income.

Am I in treatment: Yes, yes and yes (Psychologist, Ph.D.& Psychiatriast M.D., and Phyiscian M.D., all working as a team).

Yes, I follow instructions.

Yes, I am all over the place. I have made some medication mistakes over the last few weeks that I'm sure show up in the history of the text herein. Also, I feel I am spinning, and I am overwhelmed with paperwork matters that I need to attend to. I will also have to discull uping depression med with doctor tomorrow, as I do feel extremely depressed after the recent go rounds and hopes and disappointments, which purely were brought on by myself, and how I chose to handle the fires that started. My protocol will be quite different in the future. I am quickly losing all faith in any possibility of my marriage succeeding after this much time - and this is where I should keep my mindsetso I have time to think about myself. Easier said than done - but has to be done.
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2227462 - 03/04/12 05:24 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2517
Loc: Piney Land
Yass if going to church was working do u think u should go back? I don't know about your state but in many they have case management services where they can help with the paperwork and other stuff. Did u tell the doctors about the medication mistakes? Do you have children?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2227480 - 03/04/12 07:01 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Rick1963]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
Rick1963,
Like these recent mistakes with medication, and the big speeding ticket, these are new animals I haven't felt with - but too, they are a red flag that I need to pay close Attention to what I'm doing during this stressful period.

The therapist and I had this very conversation at our last session. He had more than 20 questions for me, and I had an answer for each one. These questions were about what I did to solve the problem (meds).

1. I hired my personal assistant
2. He shopped everything I needed to get organnized
3. We filled the NEW medication box properly
4. We disposed of old medication
5. We made a special contained of emergency meds for my handbag
6. We taped over jars of meds I receive in large quantity, so he can assist me when I refill my small bottles to avoid mistakes.
7. Refills are kept in another area.

Theology asked questions leading to all the above answers, as well, as if I had contacted prescribing doctor, which I did, as well as getting advice from pharmacist.

I too, ask therapist, if he thought I should get someone from Medicare in here to help me. His response at this time was that he felt I did an outstanding job correcting the issue once I discovered it. He said, every concern he had, I had more than covered on my own. And his and my goal are for me to be self-sufficient, and normally, I am. Only under extreme stress, is where issues begin.

Now last week, I got the colors reversed in my mind on the box that stores the medications. And I made a mistake again. But I knew it right away. I have coded the box with nite/day stickers - so that takes care of that.

I messed around getting the pills from the bottle for a couple days - and finially, refilled my box last night for this week. The box starts with Sunday. I cannot give you a good reason why I had to wait till Saturaday night to handle this.

The question is the overwhelming paperwork. I have a person that will give me person assistance at 12.00 per hour which is very cheap. He has been helping me in my time of need for a couple years now. What often stands in the way is my perfectionism, then nothing can get done.

Soon, the attorney will need lots of financials from me. And I forgot the cord to my printer at the other house. It seems there is sways an obstical that irritates my perfectionism. Now, the puppy chewed through the vacuum cleaner cord. My assistant went thru all the trouble to take it to Orick for a new cord, but after all the hassles, and them really just trying to sell a new vacuum cleaner, it turned out they really didn't have the proper cord we called about in advance for 39.99. Instead, if I installed a new courd, I had to get one that also contained a whole new (un-matched) handle, that would probably not be so easy for me to install myself.

That is why my assistant deals with this crap. I would have blown a gasket after they had told us it was no problem to buy the cord for my make model over the phone. So the vacuum cleaner sits in the hallway, still broken. It's these kind of things that add up and confound me.

Yes, church. I don't know yet. I'm so embarrassed how long I've been absent. I also did not meet my goal to call my mom this morning as I slep all day. I tried to call her last night, but no answer.
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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