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LA I'm going to counseling on Wed to see if I can learn to control these thoughts and behaviors. I'm on meds for the first time ever but still don't know about them quite yet. went from 10 mg to 20 mg and just seems to make me drowsy and even panicky. Then again im exercising with them.
Doing some journaling today. Seems to help me to write.
Having a bad day. Mixed emotions. Part of me knows what my W is doing with the D is right. I'm taking it a little personal today even though I shouldn't.
Had kids overnight last night. Really enjoyed them pretty much anxiety free.
Still struggling with calling her mother to talk. Especially when I get panicky. We are friends and that is tough not to call her and I know I shouldn't. It doesn't help my anxiety in the long run. I just struggle with it. Just being honest on here.
Made it to the gym again today and went to grocery store and bought all sorts of fruit, low fat yogurt, granola etc.. Down to 219 from 228. Would like to hit 200-205.
Have a 2 hour counseling session tomorrow. I think if mediation does start I will need counseling to help me handle myself better throughout the process.
Dropped D off at W's. My W seemed to be in the highest spirits ever. I think this is when I started to take mediation/D personal. I keep feeling that I truly was the one that made her that sick with depression and anxiety. That her finally telling me that she wants a D and me telling her I don't but if that is your feelings you will need to proceed with it was a GIANT lift for her. Up to this point I fought it like crazy. I finally let go and told her to that was up to her.
Anxious about not invited to her side of the families party. 10 years of friendship with her family members. Just tough on me. That she gets to go with our kids. Reality check I guess.
Did have some interaction with W today. She asked if I could still pick up S from school because she taking her mother to dr appointment. I had already committed to doing this weeks before the D bomb so I did say yes I will still do it. Going to really try to enjoy the extra time with s today on a non kid day.
W not txting me outside of kid stuff does help me. This weekend coming up is my weekend with kids but Sunday is the family party that really hitting me hard for some stupid reason.
One anxiety issue I forgot to mention I'm struggling with. I still think my wife is dating or having an affair. This is why she told me to date. This is why she said she wanted to date and took her rings off. Its does tear me up inside. I know how easy it is to fall into the dating trap when you are separated cuz I almost did myself but for dignity purposes I would not.
This eats me up inside a few times throughout the day. Any advice on how to block that out of your head. I'm also worried if it comes out in public how I'll be able to handle it
As for getting it out of your head, picture a big stop sign. Remember that you can't do anything about it, and to try and do something about it WILL, in fact, make everything you're going through now that much worse. More GAL.
Good job on not falling into the dating trap. If you can show that she was dating while waiting on the divorce, it can help you in the D proceedings or the mediation. It would be best to get some legal counsel on that, if that's really what you're worried about.
Don't worry about it coming out in public. That's on her, not you. Just focus on taking the high road. This won't last forever, no matter how it feels right now.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12