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#2227132 - 03/03/12 12:33 PM Recently Seperated Part III
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124

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#2227134 - 03/03/12 12:35 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Mach1 I do feel right now this separation is not working for me. It is emotionally draining me. I think I have to set the boundary with the W on her weekends she does the activities with the kids and on mine I do the activities. That boundary has not been set yet. The only boundary set was contact is for important kids related stuff. I'm scared to set this boundary. i don't know why I am so petrified.

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#2227138 - 03/03/12 12:45 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I am seeking help on how to address that boundary without causing my W to go crazy on me

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#2227139 - 03/03/12 12:51 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/01/11
Posts: 1120
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Hi Net. Good morning! (I'm on the west coast). Ok yeah get a IC that works on cognitive behavioral management. I started working w my new IC on it. She was able to tell me that my OCD was a result of my anxiety which is a result of my low self esteem.

You made a comment that you've been to therapy but you didn't find it fruitful. That's too bad. Consider looking for one I suggested. See if that works for you.
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2227147 - 03/03/12 01:30 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: 2chiquitos]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Thx V. I think I finally have to set the weekend boundary with her. Guys I'm reaching out because I don't know how to say it. I don't want her to get nasty with me.

All I'm seeking to impose is whatever night there is an activity that parent take the kids unless there is an emergency which would make the kids miss the activity.

I don't feel like we are separated enough. She calls on me when its convenient. I don't want the kids to miss out on anything like my S would have today if I didn't take him.

I'm frustrated and scared to set the boundary.

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#2227176 - 03/03/12 03:03 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Also one thing I wanted to open up for discussion too. Is there a point where the LBS just says enough is enough. I don't even want the person back as is? I don't my W back in this current state. She is unwilling to work on her issues while I work on my own. Just sort of get fed up and throw the damn towel in. Are there stories on this board like that or anyone that could make a comment. My wife is doing a lot of cake eating right now. Maybe I really REALLY need to enforce new boundaries. I mean it can't get any worse. She wants a D and the rings are off. I need to protect myself I think emotionally.

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#2227202 - 03/03/12 05:13 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2739
Loc: VA
Argh. I typed you a brilliant response and my battery died.

The gist of it was this. HAVE A CONVERSATION. Where you state that the arrangement is causing you stress and you think one solution would be to xyz, would she be willing to do that. And then listen to what she says. If what she says is unintelligible behind a temper tantrum she's throwing, let her know it seems like a bad time to talk, let's talk later when she's not feeling angry. Etc. Or try this - I don't think our conversation is productive if you're going to raise your voice, so please use a calmer tone or we'll need to stop and talk later instead. Whatever suits.

The point is, her being angry does not need to have a cause-effect relationship with you feeling pain and whatever else her anger does to you. Instead try to listen harder. What is causing her anger, your tone, your question, etc. Where is she coming from? What does she think? You won't know what she thinks until you bring up the subject and ask her what she thinks. You're trying to get a specific result and that's not how people relate to each other, that's manipulation.

You stay calm. Repeat some kind of mantra to yourself if that helps. Ask what she thinks and then listen. Repeat and reflect what she said, ask questions about what she said until you really understand it.

Ugh - don't be scared to talk to her. Tell yourself you have courage and then be completely reasonable and like Teflon in the face of her reaction. Be an anthropologist or an explorer to find out what she thinks about the problem you want to discuss...not a tyrant who wants to tell her how it's going to be.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2227203 - 03/03/12 05:16 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2739
Loc: VA
Oh and that all was about being scared to open a conversation. The other part of it is, what's best for your kids. Sorry but your needs need to be weighed along with theirs. You two need to figure out a solution that reduces your current stress level while meeting the needs of the kids. They're the most important.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2227208 - 03/03/12 05:47 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: adinva]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Thanks I'll read a few times and try this

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#2227226 - 03/03/12 06:52 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I start with a cog therapist on Monday hoping to address anxiety issues and control issues

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