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#2227455 - 03/04/12 04:54 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 66
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: netmaster
How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her


You can't right now. You need to wait until she brings up relationship talk.

She needs time to figure out what she wants. Sounds like you want to fix it now and that will only push her away.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2227458 - 03/04/12 05:12 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: netmaster
How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her


Hamster, STOP!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2227463 - 03/04/12 05:29 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Originally Posted By: netmaster
How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her


Hamster, STOP!


Hoping this ^^^ sinks in a bit!

Hamster - you need to come to grips with the fact that you can not make your W understand anything she is not open to hearing or understanding. You just can't!

If you want her to understand that you are sorry then you have to demonstrate it through consistent actions on your part over a sustained period of time. Not days or weeks but months and years!

You show her by your 180's. You stop the pursuit, now! You get out of your own way and focus on you and your kids and quit trying to fix things with your W.

Don't you see all this irrational and desperate behavior on your part is unproductive and making you crazy and making matters worse?

Get a grip and slow way the hell down. Breathe.... deeply! Go back and read some of the recent posts on your thread and put together a list of goals for the next week, month and 3 months. That will allow you to focus on things you can control and steer clear of things you can't.

Now get to busy, you've got work to do!

Oh, and hang in there. You will survive this. I promise!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2227465 - 03/04/12 05:41 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: 2thepoint]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I know I even feel jockeying for more time with my kids is perceived as controlling behavior. I'm so confused on what the hell is pursuit and protecting myself and seeing my children as much as they deserve to have their father in their life.

I can tell you this. Asking her to goto MC 2 months into a separation blew up in my face big time. I should have never pressed her on that. I should have learned from that.

2thepoint thanks. Listen this no ring things, talks of dating, mediators, and laywers has really shook me up big time. As you can tell.

One day I think I should ignore her txts. The next day I think I shouldn't. This is why I'm called the hamster.

I've been working on those goals man. Went to the gym twice so far. Finding a counselor for me that focuses on anxiety. Taking meds lol which obviously not helping yet.

changed my diet a bit.

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#2227611 - 03/05/12 08:28 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3547
Holy smokes Hamsterman....

WTF ???

You are like the elevator at the Empire State building with a four year old at the controls.....

SLOW THE F DOWN.....

Jumping from the sinking boat into an inflatable life raft with golf shoes on, is not getting you anywhere.

First off...

YOU are your own hero. Nobody else can define who you are.

You are the only person that can decide how you handle things.

You are the only person that can make good choices, or poor choices for yourself.

You are the only person that has to look at you in the mirror every morning.

You are the only person that can judge yourself and your actions...

F everyone else. This is up to you...

You can choose to let this break you...or you can choose to nut up and make a stand....

You aren't standing for your marriage right now, you are standing for yourself.




Secondly, right now, your wife has made a choice to find what else is out there.

You have to stop looking toward her for anything. She is not what is going to define what you can or cannot do.

You answers are not tied to her, she doesn't carry them in her purse, nor should she be giving you your answers. Those are for you.

Third.....

I will post later about the kids....

For now.....slow down. the fixer in you is taking over, and it's not doing you any good....

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#2227644 - 03/05/12 10:07 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Mach1]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Well after I called to say goodnight to kids she asked for me to meet with a mediator for divorce. I told her that was up to her to set up that is not the path I want to take. Didn't get into a discussion with it. Doesn't look good folks.

Would like advice on kids. I love putting my son on the bus everyday but emotionally I don't think it is right for me after that bomb last night

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#2227667 - 03/05/12 11:18 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3547
As far as your kids go.

You have to be there for them. I agree with that one. Although you cannot build or fix the relationship that she has with them either. You cannot fix it, or facilitate it. All you can do is not get in the way of it.

It has to prosper, or fail on it's own.

That is one of the hardest things to watch. The question you will have to ask yourself is...

Are the kids in any physical danger ?

If it is yes, then you step in....

If it is no ??

Then you ask if they are in emotional danger..

If the answer is yes, then you make a note of it, and you handle things on your end. You support their relationship, and you offer your support, You DO NOT badmouth your spouse, nor do you allow the kids to badmouth her.

To them, you will support her in her decisions. You show them the way through this. You are the rock that they come to with any questions. You are the one that they come to for their emotional needs.

Now your spouse knows your attachment that you have with them, and she knows she can play that card anytime she needs it. She not only tugs on your heart strings with it, she hangs off of those strings. There is a ton of guilt in her about what she is doing to them. And in order to deal with that guilt, she turns the tides to make YOU the bad person.

THAT is when you offer support to them. That is when you are there for THEM....not her.

You cannot rescue them from her, and you sure as hell cannot rescue her...

There are things that you will have to "stick to the agreement" on, and these things will hurt worse than anything you have ever done.

Net, this is why I told you that I didn't think you were ready for what you had to do.

Dude, she spins you out quicker than the rinse cycle at the Laundromat.

You have to find YOUR balance.


Speaking to the counselor...

That is a good step, although I think you have to be ready to hear what she is saying in order for you to act on your findings.

You have to admit that you have some issues that only you can address.

I see progress, and I think you can do this

One step at a time....

PS....you have to stop taking this personally.

What ??? Why would I say that ???

Because she isn't doing this to hurt you or the kids...

She is doing this for herself.

She is taking this time to find out who she really is...

And the gift in that, is that YOU get to do the same thing. Without feeling all the guilt that she is feeling, and without all of the confusion in your brain....

It really is a gift TO you, from her....

If you love her, the way you say you do...

Then Loving her right now, means that you step back and allow her the time to become whole again....

Why wouldn't you want that ???



Life is about perspective Net....

Do you wanna sink ? or swim ???

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#2227668 - 03/05/12 11:32 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Mach1]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Hamster, time to listen. Obviuosly you come here for a reason, right?
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2227669 - 03/05/12 11:32 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Mach1]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Mach1 you mean allow her to divorce me and let her go? I have today. She is setting up the mediator and I asked only to contact me for emergencies

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#2227675 - 03/05/12 11:49 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: 2chiquitos]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By: veroprado
Hi Net. Good morning! (I'm on the west coast). Ok yeah get a IC that works on cognitive behavioral management. I started working w my new IC on it. She was able to tell me that my OCD was a result of my anxiety which is a result of my low self esteem.


Totally agree with this. I have been working with a great IC for over a year now and the difference is remarkable. My OCD was also caused by my anxiety and need to control every aspect of my life. If I didn't have my lists and do things in a certain order, my life felt like it was chaotic. Of course, this way of managing things was only a way to cover-up the real problem: anxiety and control tendencies. Once I started getting at the root of my issues, much of the OCD was eliminated, along with the anxiety.

Once you can let go a bit, these conversations with your W will not be as fraught. You will be able to phrase things calmly and reasonably and understand that you are not in control of her reaction. This will likely help you to bring up issues with her without fearing her anger. Good luck!

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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