major backslide last night and this morning. She came home early from work for her and it still seemed late to me and I asked her to just go ahead and leave. She has been warm at times and ice at times, and I'm having a tough time dealing with it. This morning after the kids went to school, I snapped and started yelling that I cannot take the constant pain and she needed to just go on and leave if she wanted to, or stay and work on it, but decide and move on either way. It took years to get here, I know, and it'll take a long time to resolve IF we do. Ended up making her mad of course, and she really has no place to go, and we'd lose all we have if she did, so it's a moot point right now in many ways. I just need to see movement that I can measure, I guess, and that's what I told her after I calmed down. She said she's too angry with me now to respond, but she's still here because it's the "right thing to do even if she's no longer in love with me." God grant me the strength to deal with this, as I really don't think I want to go on much longer in this R. I'm quickly falling out of love with her and loving only an idea of her and doing this only for my kids sake at this point. I almost wish she'd leave so I could go on with my life and find someone else who wants to be with me. She's not worth all of this misery I let her put me in. She wants to hang out in the bar scene with alcoholics all hours of the night at 40 years old, while I take care of the kids. Not going to do this much longer. I know I'm not supposed to give ultimatums, BUT I do need to protect myself and my kids. I'm starting to realize that I'M better than that and I don't want that life. It's passive/aggressive behavior on my part I realize, but up till now, it's been her that wants the marriage to end. She may get what she wants after all. I just left it at setting my boundaries of no secrets, affairs, etc. and if that couldn't happen, then let's go on and tell the family and D. She agreed to that and said she'd get back to me on everything once she got over her anger. Now I feel bad about my actions in one part, but respect myself for standing up for myself and feel good about being able to let her go. Almost cathartic. I really am starting to detach and see how maybe it wasn't just me that borked this R. For the 1st time in 3 months I feel ok with whatever happens and know that I'll survive and be better for it. Just need to step up for my kids as they're suffering because of OUR R issues here. That [censored].
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
Well my GAL is coming thru as I got the grants I need to go back to school FOR ME to do what I want to do. Had a great workout after I got the news. I called W just to let her know, then thought to myself after, WHY? I'm not doing anything for her anymore until she decides she wants an US. I will uphold my vows to the end, and treat her with respect, and she says she will too and honor that, but I have doubts if we really will work it out giver her checked out state. I know it takes time to get over the WAW, but I also know sometimes it just might not happen. Giver her family's history with relationships, it's doubtful. I cannot be the only one that wants to go to retrouvaille, etc forever.
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
I'm quickly falling out of love with her and loving only an idea of her and doing this only for my kids sake at this point.
So your choice to love her is dependent on how much she conforms to how you think she should treat you? How she acts? What she does or chooses right now?
Wow is that what you said to her when you married her?
"I will love you all the days of my life except when you don't do what I want."
Is that how you want to be loved?
Originally Posted By: Jlove
Not going to do this much longer. I know I'm not supposed to give ultimatums, BUT I do need to protect myself and my kids.
ANd how is giving an ultimatum protecting you? Seems to me it is a thinly diguised way to force your agenda on your time frame which is fine if your goal is to show her you are still THAT guy and you want to get Divorced.
If you don't then do better.
Boundaries are for your protection not to punish her or coerce her.
They should be communicated and have consequences when they are crossed.
I understand that you don't like her choice to go to bars. The destructive bad behavior here may be that she drives home drunk putting herself and others in danger.
It could be that when she interacts with your kids she is being destructive and setting a bad example.
A boundary may be that she agrees not to do this. If she does then you owe it to yourself and your children to remove yourself and your children from that situation of destruction.
BUT
There is fine line between protecting yourself and demanding your own agenda.
The above example is pretty clear.
Originally Posted By: jlove
Now I feel bad about my actions in one part, but respect myself for standing up for myself and feel good about being able to let her go.
You are not letting her go you are reacting to her behavior which means you are not detached.
Look man this is all up to you. No one says you have to put up with this crap.
Why would you want to?
Why are you here?
If I told you that if you did X Y and Z and you could save your M would you do it?
The character and courage part comes when you don't know the outcome.
When you are not guaranteed anything.
Not only that your W is behaving badly right now and asking you to swallow it.
Is the fact she is doing that driving your decision?
If you're going to walk away do it your own terms J.
You will set a good example for your kids and most of all you will be an example for yourself.
It is your choice to be a victim here or to walk your own path regardless of her choices.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm quickly falling out of love with her and loving only an idea of her and doing this only for my kids sake at this point.
So your choice to love her is dependent on how much she conforms to how you think she should treat you? How she acts? What she does or chooses right now?
Wow is that what you said to her when you married her?
"I will love you all the days of my life except when you don't do what I want."
Is that how you want to be loved?
Originally Posted By: Jlove
Not going to do this much longer. I know I'm not supposed to give ultimatums, BUT I do need to protect myself and my kids.
ANd how is giving an ultimatum protecting you? Seems to me it is a thinly diguised way to force your agenda on your time frame which is fine if your goal is to show her you are still THAT guy and you want to get Divorced.
If you don't then do better.
Boundaries are for your protection not to punish her or coerce her.
They should be communicated and have consequences when they are crossed.
I understand that you don't like her choice to go to bars. The destructive bad behavior here may be that she drives home drunk putting herself and others in danger.
It could be that when she interacts with your kids she is being destructive and setting a bad example.
A boundary may be that she agrees not to do this. If she does then you owe it to yourself and your children to remove yourself and your children from that situation of destruction.
BUT
There is fine line between protecting yourself and demanding your own agenda.
The above example is pretty clear.
Originally Posted By: jlove
Now I feel bad about my actions in one part, but respect myself for standing up for myself and feel good about being able to let her go.
You are not letting her go you are reacting to her behavior which means you are not detached.
Look man this is all up to you. No one says you have to put up with this crap.
Why would you want to?
Why are you here?
If I told you that if you did X Y and Z and you could save your M would you do it?
The character and courage part comes when you don't know the outcome.
When you are not guaranteed anything.
Not only that your W is behaving badly right now and asking you to swallow it.
Is the fact she is doing that driving your decision?
If you're going to walk away do it your own terms J.
You will set a good example for your kids and most of all you will be an example for yourself.
It is your choice to be a victim here or to walk your own path regardless of her choices.
I knew you'd hit me in the head with a 2x4 soon TG.
No, my vow was for better or worse. Now is the worse. I wouldn't want to be loved only when I was happy.
I don't really want a divorce, I shouldn't give her timelines and ultimatums. I want to turn this ship around and get the satisfaction that I didn't quit in the face of adversity, when all the cards were down. The ship is me, and she can sail on it if she wants. I am here to vent and to gain perspective from others, such as yourself.
I pray for strength to me the man I need to be. If I walk, it'll be on my terms. There are no guarantees of anything except I have to live with myself and my decisions. Of course, my kids will have to live with them too. I am doing this for them and the hope that they will learn a life lesson someday from this pain.
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
been a better 2 days since my backslide. still focusing on compassion and GAL. Kids have been great the last few days and we've spent lots of time as a family
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
Still pretty well since backslide the other day. Today we went shopping as a family to redo one of the kids bathrooms and W keeps talking about the future of us as a family? Really trying my best not to read into anything. She's been kissing me on the lips more often which she quit for a while, but I let her instigate all contact like that. We go on week Caribbean trip next week with her family with out the kids, so I'm still very nervous about that! i don't know what she's told anyone in her family about our R, but I don't think too much other than maybe we were having problems a few months ago. Her father has been married 3 times and his father 4 times and her uncle several to, so God only knows what he'll say if they get talking about over drinks. We get along well, so I have no clue. We go as a group, but spend a lot of time as couples alone and usually only get together as a group in the evening for dinner. Normally I be excited to go, but not this year due to the precarious nature of R right now. My gut tells me W really wants to try to make it work. She has just told herself for so long she was leaving and to finally tell me that, and then not go thru with it, especially after she started EA with OM then cut it off, that she's waiting it out to see how it will all play out. But what do I know, that's just my impression. i think initially she expected ME to file D when I found out about OM and she wanted out and when I didn't I threw her for a loop. Again, who knows and I guess as long as we are both taking day to day, it doesn't matter much...
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
We go on week Caribbean trip next week with her family with out the kids, so I'm still very nervous about that! i don't know what she's told anyone in her family about our R, but I don't think too much other than maybe we were having problems a few months ago.
That could be her reason for you going with the family. In any case, once you are on the trip...be the most charming man alive without any expectations about the trip changing your W's feelings. Even if she puts on a front for her parents, it may not be so much when behind closed doors.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We go on week Caribbean trip next week with her family with out the kids, so I'm still very nervous about that! i don't know what she's told anyone in her family about our R, but I don't think too much other than maybe we were having problems a few months ago.
That could be her reason for you going with the family. In any case, once you are on the trip...be the most charming man alive without any expectations about the trip changing your W's feelings. Even if she puts on a front for her parents, it may not be so much when behind closed doors.
This is an annual trip we do with them and has been planned/payed for for almost a year, so I don't think/hope that's her plan. She's not too close to her family, and doesn't like to talk about our family issues with them at any time. I just think she mentioned some stuff to her brother one time because she told me he gave her the Dr. Stanley CD's and "Love is not a Decision" a while ago. We are also all going to her sister's wedding in a few months, so I don't think she'd do something like this on this trip. Hope I'm wrong, but regardless... Thanks for the great advice to be the most charming man of my life on this trip!
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
We go on week Caribbean trip next week with her family with out the kids, so I'm still very nervous about that! i don't know what she's told anyone in her family about our R, but I don't think too much other than maybe we were having problems a few months ago.
That could be her reason for you going with the family. In any case, once you are on the trip...be the most charming man alive without any expectations about the trip changing your W's feelings. Even if she puts on a front for her parents, it may not be so much when behind closed doors.
This is an annual trip we do with them and has been planned/payed for for almost a year, so I don't think/hope that's her plan. She's not too close to her family, and doesn't like to talk about our family issues with them at any time. I just think she mentioned some stuff to her brother one time because she told me he gave her the Dr. Stanley CD's and "Love is not a Decision" a while ago. We are also all going to her sister's wedding in a few months, so I don't think she'd do something like this on this trip. Hope I'm wrong, but regardless... Thanks for the great advice to be the most charming man of my life on this trip!
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
Good day for me today. At church I was listening to the sermon on Abraham and how he put his trust in God regardless of how much it could hurt him. Got me to thinking that this is what I need to do, God has my plan worked out, I just don't know what it is yet. He doesn't work on my timeframe, but He always works. I have to have faith in Him and trust Him that He will take care of me and my family. That gives me peace and I need to draw on this when I'm feeling down and insecure. I am getting stronger everyday and my prayer lately has just been to be strong and the rock for my family through this difficult period.
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
