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#2227401 - 03/04/12 06:56 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: purgatory
All I can offer is a hug (((((((((((( Rick )))))))))))))

No one can fault you for coming to this conclusion, you've given so much energy, thoughts an prayers to your sitch over the past year.

It must feel like the ground is dropping out from under you, faith and prayer will keep you from falling.


You've always been a shining spirit on these boards, I hope that we can help you gain your sparkle back.


Thanks Purg. You're sweet.

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#2227407 - 03/04/12 07:12 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Hey buddy sorry to hear you are hurting.

Going through your post I see your W doing several 180's in a short span. Rick, she is incredibly confused and from my rather limited point of view, she still loves you and is not ready to leave. Perhaps she is acting out like this because she sees you hurting and waiting. She does not want to be the cause of you discontent. Again, you are at a point where you decide to "stand" or lovingly let her go and build a new life for you and the kiddo's.

For what its worth - my expertise is way limited! I have no children and my sitch is relatively cut and dry.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2227412 - 03/04/12 07:20 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 2thepoint]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Quote:
"I have replayed the many posts to me from the team over and over again, and one thing I keep hearing is that I should stand for my M, and then I wonder what does standing for it exactly mean? Does that mean I let this continue because she needs support and we all go down? Can't I, with good moral backing, let her go out into the world and find her path as a parent sometimes has to do for a troubled kid? Isn't me taking control of my life, protecting my kids, giving her the chance to grow albiet by letting her go, actually standing for what is right?"


I think the answer lies in the last question in your paragraph above. Standing for your M doesn't mean ignoring the elephant in the room. You need to deal with this differently than you have been. What you have been doing hasn't worked, so now it is time to do something different.

That makes really good sense. I've read this so often here...if something doesn't work try something different. Sometimes it takes someone to point out what's staring you in the face.

Quote:
I remember when the bomb first dropped, my first instinct was to take her at her word, that she didn't want a M or family and we would never have it again..... In the end I do think it would have been wiser to just take her at her word. Okay go, and we'll see what happens. That might have forced breakthroughs that didn't happen in this environment.


I agree with this ^^^. Sometimes people have to hit bottom or at least face their demons head on in order to find themselves, breakthrough to the other side. What is on the other side is unknown but there is another side. So you've tried one approach and it really hasn't worked out. Now it is time for plan B. Nothing wrong with that. And you may still ultimately get what you want out of this, albeit via a different path.

I think there was just no way for her to do this while here at home. She's trying to break through all this on her own, but then in a broken down state in the midst of everything that reminds her of her sitch. There was no space available even though we all tried to do it. She had her own room, no demands on her, safety, economic security. Like the Aboriginees do the young adult has to go walkabout to grow up. And she never did anything at all like that. She went from her MOm's to me at age 18. Her psychiatrist says she had an arrested developemnt at age 8 so in many ways she has to catch up to adulthood.

Quote:
I'm thinking I have to take this in steps. Let her go, regroup, repair the finances, the house. Get used to it all.


Rick, based upon everything you have shared about your sitch over the months has lead me to believe that your W needs to be set free. She needs to find herself and you need some space yourself to heal from this nightmare you and your family have endured. I know it is extremely painful to arrive at this decision point, but I think you knew it was coming, eventually.

I would think to myself over and over again...how can she not see the answers? How can she make these choices and tear down a M and family without attempting to repair it? I could walk it through my mind and I can see how it WOULD work. In the past year I have never really even once seen anything that gave me a sense of optimism. Occasionally she would bring out these statements that would show real awakening, but it would all kind of fade back into bad behavior. Detach is just a word. i would fall for this time after time.

And, setting her free will also force the issue to a head and either way, whatever the outcome, there will be light and peace and movement towards a better place.

I know that intellectually. I need to let time do its magic.

Quote:
"Maybe I will re-evalute then, and see if I need to take legal steps, and that gives her a cuople of months where the Rick train has moved on."


I've suggested that if doable, you help your W get set up with different living arrangements outside of your home. She doesn't seem to be capable of keeping herself together much less the family. So, from my perspective she is better off working on herself, by herself and whatever professional help she needs. But you need to be the rock for the family at this time because she can't do it.

That, I can do. The idea of the actual physical act of moving her out, splitting up precious family stuff. It feels like its going to be an autopsy without painkiller. I cant imagine how the boys will be able to do it even though they really have always believed it was the only sane choice.

And by the way, what are you doing to keep yourself healthy? Stress is not good for anyone, it will eat you from the inside out. Please take care of yourself.

I do yoga every day, and run, and my spiritual program. I do worry that there's some monster stress induced illness lurking inside. I feel stunned most of the time, and not very clearheaded. It's odd but in my real estate world I had an incredible year for the company, yet not once felt engaged. I was just acting on instinct and experience.

Hang in there, Rick. We're here for you man!


You're a great man 2Pac! Thank you.

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#2227416 - 03/04/12 07:30 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Hey buddy sorry to hear you are hurting.

Going through your post I see your W doing several 180's in a short span. Rick, she is incredibly confused and from my rather limited point of view, she still loves you and is not ready to leave. Perhaps she is acting out like this because she sees you hurting and waiting. She does not want to be the cause of you discontent. Again, you are at a point where you decide to "stand" or lovingly let her go and build a new life for you and the kiddo's.

She definitely wants to run to some place that gets her out from seeing this day to day nightmare. She said today that she has destroyed all of it and needs to get out, and believes that she has burnt her bridges and will be alone. I agree with that, she hasn't been able to make gains here at home. She can't even get to the point of rebuilding a M and family when she has serious self loathing issues and basically has been living a lie for decades. I think, I know she loves me and the kids. That's all made it harder for her by being here. I don't see any other realistic way to even get herself in order, never mind the rest of us while here.

For what its worth - my expertise is way limited! I have no children and my sitch is relatively cut and dry.


Thanks for responding, it helps!

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#2227417 - 03/04/12 07:32 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2541
Loc: Piney Land
Rick is time to do something fun. You don't have decide anything today but will support you either way. So got out there and breath. Let things slide today and chillax.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2227419 - 03/04/12 07:41 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
When was the last time you shot rats with a pellet gun?
Just sayin...way fun.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2227422 - 03/04/12 07:50 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
(((Rick))) - I think you are an incredibly strong for making this decision. I can't even imagine being that strong.

I will be praying for you, your family, and your sitch.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2227423 - 03/04/12 07:54 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Rick is time to do something fun. You don't have decide anything today but will support you either way. So got out there and breath. Let things slide today and chillax.


Going to the movies today, RickG. I have decided though. Need a new approach or we're all in big trouble. Thanks man.

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#2227424 - 03/04/12 07:56 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
When was the last time you shot rats with a pellet gun?
Just sayin...way fun.


And ask them before I pull the trigger....Do you feel lucky punk? Well do you?

Planning a new career....professional WAS hunter and detective.

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#2227425 - 03/04/12 07:58 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: RoRoinMD]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
(((Rick))) - I think you are an incredibly strong for making this decision. I can't even imagine being that strong.

I will be praying for you, your family, and your sitch.


Thanks Roro. If this is strength...my insides are shakin and quakin. There's also a lot of fear driving this...if I don;t do something then what.....Thanks for the prayers!!!!!!!!!!!

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