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well i did stop snooping i only did it that once. i think its ok for my emotions to be up and down when it seems like everyday something happens or goes on. i know its not the reason she wants a divorce but im sure it plays into why she wouldn't want to work on our marriage.

and MY EA is hardly an EA you all probably dont believe it but the extent of our conversations had very little depth. usually it was just funny quotes from tv shows or a comment about someones previous post.

the fact that my wife would be going on dates with an OM and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off.

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Quote:
and MY EA is hardly an EA you all probably dont believe it but the extent of our conversations had very little depth. usually it was just funny quotes from tv shows or a comment about someones previous post.

the fact that my wife would be going on dates with an OM and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off.


Maybe she finds it hard to believe you would continue a R with a woman who just discussed funny quotes.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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"and tell me the reason she wants a divorce is because i talked to another woman is what pisses me off."

There is truth to that. You don't see it because you are not a woman. Women see communication like that as cheating or at least alot of them.

While I'm sure she blew many things out of proportion, mine sure did, make a note of that.

What have you found out about her relationship with the OM?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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yeah i know she told me she thinks its just as bad as cheating but i think thats rediculous.

as for the OM i know nothing and i might be a long while before i find anything out since she is keeping it very secret.

today she called me and she was pissed about the savings account. not the way i wanted our first conversation to go after not talking to her for weeks. but i guess that was my fault for taking half out anyways but id rather be safe than sorry. she asked me again if im going to sign the papers and i told her i dont know what i want to do yet. she also made a comment about how I am the one who cant have an adult conversation.

my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?

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"but i think thats rediculous."

Doesn't matter what you think.

"i know nothing and i might be a long while before i find anything out since she is keeping it very secret."

Then why did you say that she is seeing an OM?

"do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?"

What do you want? Have you had a L take a look at the paperwork? If not, do that. Then tell her that you are having your legal counsel look through everything to be sure you're not being screwed. Then don't answer her.


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2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: H2H
my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?


It is only ugly becuase you are letting her dictate how you see this.

She is mad at you for protecting yourself?

Or that she didn't think of it first?

While she is seeing another man you don't have a marriage so get that through your head.

And you're done?

Ok you're done.

How does it feel? Like someone kicked you in the jimmy? Like someone is dictating your life to you?

Like a victim?

Throw in the towel H2H cause you're done if you keep talking like that and letting her get to you.

Do you want to sign the papers? Is that what your vows meant to you?

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life until I am seriously done. Then I won't."

What do you want? What do you believe? What do you value? If you sign the papers will the guy in the mirror look like a better man to you?

One you admire and want to emulate?

Or the guy your W sees right now?

You are only THAT guy if you choose to be.

If you let her convince you of something you don't know yourself.

Would you respect a man that would allow that to happen?

If you don't know yourself it might be time to figure that out and stand up for that guy.

What's it gonna be?


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Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: H2H
my sitch is so ugly. im seriously just done with it i really dont see this ending in any other way other than divorce. the only dicision i am having trouble with is do i sign them or do i force her to take me to court to get the divorce?


It is only ugly becuase you are letting her dictate how you see this.

She is mad at you for protecting yourself?

Or that she didn't think of it first?

While she is seeing another man you don't have a marriage so get that through your head.

And you're done?

Ok you're done.

How does it feel? Like someone kicked you in the jimmy? Like someone is dictating your life to you?

Like a victim?

Throw in the towel H2H cause you're done if you keep talking like that and letting her get to you.

Do you want to sign the papers? Is that what your vows meant to you?

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life until I am seriously done. Then I won't."

What do you want? What do you believe? What do you value? If you sign the papers will the guy in the mirror look like a better man to you?

One you admire and want to emulate?

Or the guy your W sees right now?

You are only THAT guy if you choose to be.

If you let her convince you of something you don't know yourself.

Would you respect a man that would allow that to happen?

If you don't know yourself it might be time to figure that out and stand up for that guy.

What's it gonna be?


I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance. so signing it makes me feel like i am agreeing with it. we dont have many assets to split there is no real need for a L at this time.

im saying its ugly because anyone who could really get a clear picture of my sitch would say yes its not good.
i know that while shes seeing an OM that i have no marriage thats a part of why its so ugly.

all i know is that she is seeing someone i dont know who or how long. thats what i ment by i know nothing.

im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.

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Originally Posted By: H2H
I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance.


OK sounds like this might be a core value to you?

You do realize that if she wants to divorce you she has a right to so hanging your own value on that outcome...

...might be self defeating?

YOU are NOT your W's choices.

It is not important what other people say about your sitch or whether its "ugly" it's only important that you see the reality of it and how you choose to react or handle it.

Originally Posted By: H2H
im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.


And the only question now is how you will choose to do that.

As a victim of your W's choices

Or

As a man who made his own, lived them no matter what his W was choosing or not choosing.

A man who decided to be "ugly"

Or

A man who looked in the mirror and decided to NOT be ugly?

It is not what your W chooses

It is what YOU do with what she chooses that will make all the difference here H2H.

It is not in her action...

BUT

in YOUR reaction that your salvation lies.

Originally Posted By: H2H
I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.


The prisons are full of people who acted on emotions/feelings.

Choose instead on who you are and what you believe.

DO you have any idea who that guy is? How about describing him?


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Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: H2H
I dont want to sign the papers because i dont believe in divorce under any cercumstance.


OK sounds like this might be a core value to you?

You do realize that if she wants to divorce you she has a right to so hanging your own value on that outcome...

...might be self defeating?

YOU are NOT your W's choices.

It is not important what other people say about your sitch or whether its "ugly" it's only important that you see the reality of it and how you choose to react or handle it.

Originally Posted By: H2H
im trying to move on with my life. I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.


And the only question now is how you will choose to do that.

As a victim of your W's choices

Or

As a man who made his own, lived them no matter what his W was choosing or not choosing.

A man who decided to be "ugly"

Or

A man who looked in the mirror and decided to NOT be ugly?

It is not what your W chooses

It is what YOU do with what she chooses that will make all the difference here H2H.

It is not in her action...

BUT

in YOUR reaction that your salvation lies.

Originally Posted By: H2H
I still have feelings for her so its whats holding me back.


The prisons are full of people who acted on emotions/feelings.

Choose instead on who you are and what you believe.

DO you have any idea who that guy is? How about describing him?




I dont think i ever posted anything about myself feeling ugly...

you tell me not to hang my values on it, but then you tell me to choose on who i am and what i believe...

how about instead of telling me what my obvious choices are you can just give words of advice.

like advice on whether i should just say yes ill sign the divorce papers so we leave with the least headache and least money spent. or do I stick to my vows, morals, and beliefs and refuse to sign anything.

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H2H what Truegritter is asking you to do is is to take a long hard LOOK at YOURSELF. You cannot control your W actions. It's clear that you want to stand for your M and that's great but what good is it going to do YOU to not sign the D papers IF she has you served? All you will be doing is making it a long drawn out process and getting a D doesn't necessisarily mean that you will never have a R with your W ever again.

As far as Truegritter's ugly comment goes I believe that he is referring to the way you are handling your sitch right now. You are saying that you think it's BS that your W thinks that you talking to another woman is cheating. Those are your W's feelings and you cannot tell her that her feelings are wrong. Anytime you talk with her and she brings that up all you can do is validate her feelings and tell her that you were wrong.

You also said that your W has said that you cannot have an adult conversation. Since we don't what you are saying to her in those conversations the advice I can give you is this, if you are not ready to discuss a D right now you should tell her. An example might be this, W: Are you going to sign the papers or make this difficult? H2H: Right now I'm not ready to have this discussion when I am ready I will let you know.

I would be willing to bet that right now you are acting out fear,anger and frustration and that is the wrong way to handle the sitch. You need to choose your words very carefully when you speak to her. If she says something that you don't like don't let your emotions take over pause for a minute before you speak so you don't speak out of anger.

Please take another look at what Truegritter has asked you and begin working on yourself that is first and foremost. I also suggest that you search out bustorama's threads and read them. He successfully busted his D but he really made changes to himself. His threads are probably some of the best on the board and full of advice. I'll be checking in on you to see how you are making out.


M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out
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