I don't love you anymore, but we can still be friends, was what I was told. I am a married man 36 years old married for 11 years to 35 year old wife. We have been together for 15 years. We have a S10 and D6. I am a L and work for a company that demands long work hours, but pays very well. W was not in good spirits this last weekend so I tried to do stuff with the kids to give her some time alone, since she was snapping on me and the kids. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary typical sibling quarrels.
In 2010 W stated she was unhappy, but was willing to go to a MC. Back then rather than giving her the space she requested I was smothering her. In addition, the issues then were my long work hours and lack of help with the family. When we both talked it was agreed that I would adjust my schedule so that I would be there with the family by dinner and help with the kids. To this day I have stuck to being home by dinner and don’t regret doing so. A looming issue has been finances, when they are brought up I snap on the W.
2011 was a rough year for the family, close family friend was killed, and my W lost her job she was very passionate about. I was not concerned with her finding new employment which she did in September. With the new job I am now responsible for getting the kids ready and to school, something she has done for the last 5 years. In addition, since she is working full time I have also started doing all the laundry and domestic chores. I have to admit that I like doing these things since it lets my mind wonder.
W is a nurse so I don’t call her while she is working since I never know the schedule and like to give her some room. On her way home from work Monday I asked her what was wrong and she stated that she felt trapped and that she wanted her space, I have been smothering her. Once I took this in I came to this website and printed Sandi’s 37 rules. Following rule number 1, but it is hard as I will be the first to admit I am impatient and a “fixer.”
Wednesday Night she told me that she doesn’t love me and does not know how to fix that. I listened to her and said that I did not know what to do either. She then advised the she had a consultation with a L on 3/26. As a L myself I know the impact this will have on the family and the finances.
W took of the wedding ring and has listed herself as separated on F/B. Then blasted the news on F/B and then took the news of off F/B. I then took myself off of F/B. I am now sleeping in the spare bedroom. I am doing the best I can to interact with the W and kids (playing with them when I get home from work) and the kids have remarked that “they like the new Daddy.” W believes that this is a temporary thing and that it will pass. I say nothing when she says that and simply tell the kids I am enjoying spending time with them. This is a 180 for me because I have not been putting the effort to entertain them after I came home from work. I will admit that last 6 months have been rough on the job and I have been taking it out on the family. The last few days have made me reflect on what I need to do to become a better parent and partner.
I told her on Wednesday night that I would leave the house since it appears there is no hope of saving the R, and she became hysterical, telling me that I had to stay for the kids. I did go out for a walk and then decided to stay at the house. Honestly, I could not afford an apartment and the house note. There is a possible option of staying with relatives. This morning I got the kids ready for school and there was some light banter between us. Nothing more than small talk. Both of us have not been sleeping nor eating that much. I took the kids to their room and played with them before she left for work.
Thursday Morning was as if the conversation never occurred, the mood was light and we had some small talk. On my way home from work I picked up a couple of board games for the kids that I thought we could play. S and D loved it and we played until bed time.
She called for the first time on Friday morning and asked if I could help pay for my son't hockey (we have always had separate bank accounts, not my choice), said sure and said I would see her later.
W is taking the kids to a friends house and they are staying the weekend there. This will be the first time we have been apart. I figured I will use this time for GAL and hanging out with my brother.
I am trying to take this day by day, I have read the DB and a lot of posts on this site. With this consultation looming with the L, I am feeling that I have to fix the problems with the R before then. Realistically I know this is not possible and my head hurts trying to comprehend all of this stuff. Is W too far gone to reconcile?
Sad welcome and glad you found it. Read the divorce remedy ok. Reard and read the 37 rules again. Everything your W says and does is pure script so don't focus on that. Don't persue ILY or R talks. Post often and read others stories. One thing you will hear is to get a life and do 180s. There many lawyers on the board. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
You can't fix the R, you can only fix you. One more time, you can't fix the R, you can only fix you. Focus on you and if as a byproduct your R is improved then that is fantastic, if not then at the very least you will be the best you ever!! And how can that be a bad thing. Hang in there, it will be a bumpy ride.
Well today we were blessed in WI with decent snowfall and this was the first weekend S10 did not have hockey. Took the kids sledding and then kids asked to go skiing. Something I would not do and was a striclty W thing, I am too clumsy. W was leaving until the afternoon. Told her what I was doing and she was dumbfounded. I then asked her to go. She then asked what if it doesn't work. To which I replied you can get rent a different pair of skis.
Took the kids on the tubes and she was able to ski on her own. She then thanked me and I thanked her for coming. Little small talk on the way home.
Before she left told her to have a good time. Told me she appreciated my "actions." Were going to hug, but she then looked and said sorry and was in tears. Told me she can't help how she feels. Told her that I can't change that, I can only change me and that I am expecting the worse and hoping for the best. Asked if she would be taking the kids to her friends next week and she said we will see how things go.
I asked if she is staying overnight to give me a text. Brother is coming over and I am leaving the house.
I am resolved to giving her space and this is easy at home with the kids. It is just weird that the W who used to talk my ear off barely says a word.
With this consultation looming with the L, I am feeling that I have to fix the problems with the R before then. Realistically I know this is not possible and my head hurts trying to comprehend all of this stuff. Is W too far gone to reconcile?
I don't believe it's too late as long as she's not M to another! So, that means that even if this goes to D court, it's still not too late.
I've noticed that men seem to think alike about the D date. As if they have to fix what's broken before that date or it over and never another chance. It's a date! Life goes on and so do R's. If you don't believe that obsessing over the D date will drive you crazy, read Crimson's thread.
Calm down. Don't try to fix her. Don't discuss the R. Back off and give her space. Most importantly, don't pursue.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The longer you can make your time frame for recovery the better your strategy will be. If you try to fix this before the end of March you will come up with a unsuccessful plan but it you envision having Thanksgiving together as a family, that time frame will help you develop a more successful strategy.
Trust me I understand how hard it is to accept that this will not be resolved in a week or two.
Since you sound like a work aholic can you take use vacation days to take one day a week off for the next month to help around the house? Just a thought
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13