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nhmom Offline OP
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A little musical inspiration:

"I Won't Give Up" - Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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This was hard to read emotionally ^^^^^^^

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I know this song ALL to well....
is someone cutting onions?


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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nhmom Offline OP
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Oh, for crying out loud...what is wrong with me? Things seem as if they are slowly starting to look up, but no, that's not enough for me. I can't be patient and let things run their course. I have to go ahead and bring stuff up that bothers me. Ugh.

I told H that it bothered me that he is still friends with OW on FB. H told me to let it go and that there is nothing there.

I ask him how do I know for sure that nothing is there? And that I can't accept their "friendship" if things between us should get better.

I told him I was sorry that he values their "friendship" more than our marriage. H said that he does value our marriage, but I have hurt him more than I'll ever know. And that being friends on FB doesn't mean you're friends in real life. Why is it a big deal to unfriend her then? I don't want to see her fugly face if I happen to be on his FB page (BklynMom - I can already hear you tell me to get off FB!!!).

I told him that I understand he's hurt and that I'm owning up to it and will continue to do so. But I feel that he hasn't owned up to his actions. Maybe he will one day, maybe he won't.

I told him that I'd like for us to put the past behind us and work together to make things better, that I would help him get through his pain that I caused him. But I also need him to help me get through what I need to get through.

H again told me I had no right to feel a certain way when I was feeling stressed, to cope in a "different" way. He clearly still has a lot of anger and hurt built up.

FWIW, he said that he's noticed an improvement in me letting him parent our S4 (I don't think I really did anything...I think it's that he's actually been here and showed interest in S4).

H said that I can't expect H to do this on my terms. And that I know him - he needs to do it on his terms. The thing is that he really does need to talk to a C. He's got so many emotions built up over his lifetime that he can't cope with them alone. I hope that one day he'll realize that it's worth a try.

H said this morning that it's been a long time, but he actually missed me this past weekend.

Now that I've said too much and am playing with fire with what I bring up, I need to practice keeping my mouth shut and also not showing my emotions on my face. H can read me like a book.

Oh, and he did say this morning that he wants to take one day at a time. This is good. A couple of weeks ago he said that he didn't want to take one day at a time and needed to know right away whether we would work out, and that he "knew" we wouldn't.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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nh - I still feel like I haven't gotten this DB stuff down, so take what I am saying with a grain of salt. I am so feeling you on being impatient. I was doing so good at keeping my mouth shut until this weekend.

I know it's going to be hard, but try to take one day at a time. (I tell myself this everyday) If your H is still hurt and angry, pushing him to answer questions doesn't help your sitch. I know that for a fact.

You are doing really good. Just pick back up and keep moving!


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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Hey NH, we all fall off the wagon. "Fall down 7. Get up 8" Don't beat yourself up too bad. Your struggle is common and one of the most difficult.

I'm struggling with the reality of an OM with my W as well. Its extremely hard to let it go and trust that improving myself will be a better course than forcing my W to see how she hurts me and to change. I struggle between wanting "justice" and wanting to save my marriage.

This woman is no competition for you. Whatever your H may find appealing is a fantasy that will come crashing down at some point.

As hard as it is, work on you and let your H work at his pace. You can't rush him. Sounds like he's making some positive moves. Patience is critical and forgiveness is essential to keep things moving in a good direction. But both require a constant and determined choice on your part. And there most certainly will be obstacles from both of you.

As with much of DB, it counter-intuitive but it is the way you can fight for your M.

Good luck!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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NewAmericanMom - sometimes its worth getting stuff out there even if it causes emotional reactions by both. I just had this discussion with my W this morning. You have to accept that in a M you're going to hear stuff that doesn't go down easy, however those converdsations are often a catalyst for growth, reflections, awarenss, new action.

If the other S can have enough patience to hear these things that they dont necessarily like, however realize that these are opportunities for growth and understanding of each other, then these are actually the best moments between you because they can be markers for where growth and understanding begin.

FWIW I think you and your H are flritng with being able to understand each other. He could have blown you off totally these past few weeks but doesn't appear to want that. Maybe outline a few things that you both can work on right now and keep it simple for a while longer.

((((you)))))

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nhmom Offline OP
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You're right, Rick. I think it's good to "share". H needs to hear some of my concerns, too. And even though he seems to dismiss any of my feelings, I hope he is still taking mental notes of some kind.

Right now he still makes it out to be all about him. That's fine. I hope one day he'll realize that I'm a human being with feelings, too. And that he's dragged me through mud in the past few months. He was the one who decided to have an EA and still doesn't seem think there is anything wrong with it. He thinks he is the victim and I'm the villain. I'm getting tired being portrayed as a monster. We do have a long road ahead of us. (sigh)

The conversation ended with H telling me that he doesn't know if he will ever forgive me, because he was sure I would not let us get to this point. Well, if he wants to move forward, he will have to do that eventually. But for now - baby steps.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Quote:
The conversation ended with H telling me that he doesn't know if he will ever forgive me, because he was sure I would not let us get to this point.


WTF????


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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nhmom Offline OP
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Yeah, no kidding, labug! This is the kind of blame I've had to deal with since the bomb. It is all MY fault. Apparently, it was up to ME to make sure that our M was perfect. I am the one that failed.

While I admit that I had my fair share in this: I may not have filled his love tank and not given him enough attention. I was going through a stressful time and didn't cope well. But hey, it doesn't matter, I didn't put H first, so it's all my fault. (I hope you can sense come sarcasm here - I don't really think it's all MY fault).

Well, at least H said that he doesn't "know" if he can forgive me. At least it wasn't a straight "I'm NEVER going to forgive you". I told him he'll have to eventually if he wants to move forward. He may not be ready now, but he will need to do it one day.

Our conversation sort of continued for a bit when he got home. H brought up that I'm friends with my old boyfriend on FB, and that we have history. I told him that I have no problem with un-friending him, and our "history" goes back before H and I even met.

H said I need to trust him. (Ha!) I told him that it will take time for me to do that. (He lied to me. He had an EA. I know they were communicating via FB a lot, so to have that line of communication still open is not helping it me with trust. And he still texts her outside of work hours even though he says it has nothing to do with "us". I said I don't care if they talk about the weather, it's just not okay).

I told H that not knowing what is going on can make my mind go wild. H said: "I'm still here, aren't I?". I said I don't know what that means. A couple of weeks ago he was still looking for apartments, he still has contact with OW, he's not wearing his ring, so I don't know what anything means.

I think it was good to get some of the stuff out (in a calm way). Though he didn't come out and say it, I think he really is taking steps to wanting to make it work. Maybe he is starting to realize that he does have a lot to lose, but he's scared to let himself open up and get hurt again.

He is still reluctant and scared, but I think he's sloooooowly getting there. I'm also learning that showing some signs of frustration on my end makes him *show* that he does care (sort of like a temp check for me). If I try to turn away, he will hug me, or try to make me look at him again.

It was kind of funny that when he came home last night I was making dinner and chopping some veggies. He made me put the knife down as we talked, and kept me from picking it up a few times when I felt frustrated and just wanted to keep chopping. I guess after I slapped him during my big blow up, he *might* be afraid I may *do* something.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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