treading water continues...

[nhmom]

cat04- Thank you for your feedback. You were not harsh enough though I'm still expecting a 2x4.

I don't know how to start this post other than say that I completely lost it! It was a wild and emotional disaster. I'm not proud of what happened. I broke quite a few of the 37 rules.

This has happened to all of us from time to time.

Don't beat yourself up about it too badly.

I may have had one too many drinks while I was out. I think that contributed to not being able to hold back my anger. Still no excuse, just a fact.

And now, for the bad news...

when I got home and saw that H had exchanged texts with OW

Were you snooping?

That is a total no no.

You will never gain anything good from snooping.

If you weren't snooping then can you explain how you knew this happened?

Yes, I was snooping. I checked the phone bill when I got home.

I'm still trying to understand what happened this weekend.

You took a ride on the rollercoaster.

It wasn't the first time and it probably won't be the last.

I am sorry that you went through this however, it fits with a lot of other things you have thought and said.

You may want to venture over into the MLC forum and get to know some people. The support there is amazing. (It's amazing here too, just a little different).

I will check out the MLC forum, thanks. I'm scared that it may be MLC, and I'm scared how long it may take him to "come out of it", if at all.

Definately do the STD screening. You don't know what he has or has not done and you have to protect yourself.

Just please, be prepared for whatever results you receive. You have had unprotected sex with him.

He asked why I didn't fight for him then. I said that I thought he was right there with me, that I didn't think I needed to fight for him.

My X asked me once, long after the bomb, why I didn't want him. I am not the one who dropped the bomb or was unwilling to try to work on the M. However I was still the one at fault for the M falling apart.

H asked what we do now, how do we move forward. I honestly don't know.

He is looking to you to provide answers for him. Just like when he asked for "permission" to go away for the weekend.

I don't know what to do next. I don't want to tell him how things should be. I told him that we both need to figure it out together. H thinks that we shouldn't need outside help, that we should have been able to figure things out and not let it all come to this. I suggested we start "dating", that we get to know each other again. H said he thinks it's daunting to him.

I could use some advise on how to move forward.

I would proceed with caution, continuing on the path that you have been on.

It doesn't sound to me like this is over yet. He hasn't said that he wants to reconcile, he hasn't said it is over with OW, he hasn't said he doesn't want to reconcile. He simply doesn't know.

What do you want? What would need to change in order for you to work on this R with your H?

I have seen nothing about that here.

I admit that I have some expectations when I shouldn't have any. I would like it if we went to MC together. I would like it if he went to IC. I would like it if he showed even the littlest sign that he wants to work with me, that he does want a future together. I would like it if he stopped contact with OW. I would like it if he said that what he did was not ok (I know, it's crazy for me to want that, but I would feel a million times better if he said it was a mistake. So yeah, I have a lot of expectations. I'm tired and I don't want to walk this path alone.

[nhmom]

RoRoin - Thanks for your support! It's ok, you can still throw a 2x4 my way. I need it. I wasn't ready to mention Retrouvaille to H until yesterday when he asked me what we should do. Honestly, I expected him to dismiss it, and I'm surprised he didn't say anything. Maybe there's a little hope that he may come around.

Rick - I would have preferred a bonfire over h3ll, yes. It felt like something took control of me. It wasn't the pleading, begging kind of thing. I just went ballistic on H and told him off. I guess I was frustrated and angry and needed him to know. And the slap on the face, well he deserved it. I didn't really want to say or do those things, I just buried myself in the blanket and pillow and told him to leave me alone. Of course, he didn't. I still can't get over how he thinks we "were over". He could have shared that piece of information with me before opening up his heart to someone else.

BF - I don't know exactly what this backsliding did, but it sure disrupted the "calm" waters.

Mimi - Thanks for the support! I'm right there with you about being concerned that he doesn't want to take things slowly. He contradicts himself so much. Nobody knows what future will bring. How can you have any kind of certainty. Words don't make things reality. I'm afraid, too, that if things do start getting better and we do end up in a disagreement, that he'll say "Ha, I knew it." That's totally something he would do. And he sees OW EVERY DAY at work. They talk EVERY DAY. Even if work related and if he decided to reconcile, how can he keep doing that and not have any kind of thoughts about it - whether good or bad?

Regardless what happens and how slow or quick things move, at least I feel like maybe he still does care about me. He could have easily walked out, but instead he held me tight. Maybe it gives me another surge of strength to want to keep going.

[cat04]

cat04- Thank you for your feedback. You were not harsh enough though I'm still expecting a 2x4.

I can give you one if you if you really want

I am curious, what do YOU think you did that deserves a 2x4 and why?

I would love to see what you would say if it were someone else's post.

Yes, I was snooping. I checked the phone bill when I got home.

Did what you saw hurt?

I bet it did. Ok I know it did.

Did it get you anywhere?

I mean you already knew there was OW. Why do you keep pouring salt on your own wounds?

Don't snoop unless you are trying to build ammo for a D.

All it does is hurt you.

If there are things you need to know, you will find out.

If you need a real 2x4 about this topic, I will hunt two great ones down tomorrow and post them on your thread LOL.

I will check out the MLC forum, thanks. I'm scared that it may be MLC, and I'm scared how long it may take him to "come out of it", if at all.

Don't worry about the what if's for now.

He may be, he may not be, but you will get some great (different) perspective over there.

And you will have friends from here follow you there and vice versa. So...

I don't know what to do next. I don't want to tell him how things should be. I told him that we both need to figure it out together. H thinks that we shouldn't need outside help, that we should have been able to figure things out and not let it all come to this. I suggested we start "dating", that we get to know each other again. H said he thinks it's daunting to him.

You don't tell him what to do next. He needs to figure that out.

It isn't easy but you aren't his mother and you don't have all of the answers to clean up the mess that he has created.

That is his job to figure out.

I admit that I have some expectations when I shouldn't have any. I would like it if we went to MC together. I would like it if he went to IC. I would like it if he showed even the littlest sign that he wants to work with me, that he does want a future together. I would like it if he stopped contact with OW. I would like it if he said that what he did was not ok (I know, it's crazy for me to want that, but I would feel a million times better if he said it was a mistake. So yeah, I have a lot of expectations. I'm tired and I don't want to walk this path alone.

What is YOUR plan when your expectations for HIS actions don't work out?

[rickb89]

Happy Valentines Day NH! Hope you find a way to lead a fulfilled happy life!

[purgatory]

Happy V-Day to an impressive woman and a beautiful soul!! Wrap yourself in the love you receive from your sweet baby boy!

I'm renaming it Victory-Day for all us LBsers!!!

[nhmom]

cat04- Thank you for your feedback. You were not harsh enough though I'm still expecting a 2x4.

I can give you one if you if you really want

I am curious, what do YOU think you did that deserves a 2x4 and why?

I would love to see what you would say if it were someone else's post.

I guess I'm mostly disappointed with myself for losing control. I have been fairly calm about things and I thought that I was doing well keeping my head high and not reacting. But seeing the text exchange between H and OW triggered a bad reaction. I could have handled it calmer, but instead I took the "FU" approach. I don't know if it was just too much hurt and anger built up that I was suppressing or what, but it burst out of me.

Yes, I was snooping. I checked the phone bill when I got home.

Did what you saw hurt?

I bet it did. Ok I know it did.

Did it get you anywhere?

I mean you already knew there was OW. Why do you keep pouring salt on your own wounds?

Don't snoop unless you are trying to build ammo for a D.

All it does is hurt you.

If there are things you need to know, you will find out.

If you need a real 2x4 about this topic, I will hunt two great ones down tomorrow and post them on your thread LOL.

I know. I really am only pouring salt on the wounds and it hurts.

I will check out the MLC forum, thanks. I'm scared that it may be MLC, and I'm scared how long it may take him to "come out of it", if at all.

Don't worry about the what if's for now.

He may be, he may not be, but you will get some great (different) perspective over there.

And you will have friends from here follow you there and vice versa. So...

I don't know what to do next. I don't want to tell him how things should be. I told him that we both need to figure it out together. H thinks that we shouldn't need outside help, that we should have been able to figure things out and not let it all come to this. I suggested we start "dating", that we get to know each other again. H said he thinks it's daunting to him.

You don't tell him what to do next. He needs to figure that out.

It isn't easy but you aren't his mother and you don't have all of the answers to clean up the mess that he has created.

That is his job to figure out.

I admit that I have some expectations when I shouldn't have any. I would like it if we went to MC together. I would like it if he went to IC. I would like it if he showed even the littlest sign that he wants to work with me, that he does want a future together. I would like it if he stopped contact with OW. I would like it if he said that what he did was not ok (I know, it's crazy for me to want that, but I would feel a million times better if he said it was a mistake. So yeah, I have a lot of expectations. I'm tired and I don't want to walk this path alone.

What is YOUR plan when your expectations for HIS actions don't work out?
I have put some thought into life without H. I don't know how long I should/can wait until I've had enough. I know everything is still relatively new, just under 3 months since the bomb, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. The constant flip-flopping and pessimism rubs off on me. I try to stay as positive as I can, but I can only be rejected so many times until I feel that I really do deserve better.

[nhmom]

Thanks Rick and Purg! I hope you both had a great day!

I'm off to draw myself a bath and have a glass of wine

[nhmom]

Yesterday was just like any other day, except I felt that it was okay to eat a lot of chocolate.

S4 got hurt right before I picked him up from daycare. He fell on his arm and was complaining about his elbow. We headed to urgent care to make sure it wasn't broken, and I called H to let him know. He was on his way home and said he'd meet us there.

Luckily, nothing is broken. S4 is in a sling and I'm hanging out at home with him today as he's complaining about moving it too much.

The experience with H at urgent care was so much different than 1 1/2 ago (a month post bomb) when we took S4 to the ER. Then, he was on his phone texting the whole time, had the shark eyes, kept his distance from us, and just did not want to be there.

Last night was so different: he was concerned, acted like a parent, didn't use his phone once!!!!! He left before us to go to his soccer game, but he wanted to make sure that S4 was okay first.

I didn't see H until I was in bed already. After S4 was in bed, I I lit some candles, took a nice hour long bubble bath while sipping some wine. Next time, I'll add music, but last night was good to just relax.

S4 woke up in the middle of the night complaining about his arm. One of the times H got up(!!!!) and hobbled over to his room (H got hurt again at soccer). H hasn't gotten up with S4 for at least 2 years!!

[purgatory]

Good to see that your H still knows how to be a dad I know you've been frustrated and hurt by his recent interactions with S4. It must have warmed your heart a little to see him showing his care and love for S4... AND he got up in the middle of the night?! Maybe he's coming around to realize his actions affect S4 more than he thought

My oldest broke his wrist at preschool when he was 3. I was lucky enough to be the director at the preschool so there was no delay in me finding out and getting him to the ER. He was more scared about getting an x-ray that he was about his wrist! Not sure if yours is this same way: but my S quickly learned that he could get whatever he wanted if he complained about his wrist... And he milked it for a while- even tried after it was healed!! These little boys love to be pampered... And us mommies love to do it!!

FWIW: I think it's a good thing that he responded like he did (as any dad should) after you had your blow up this past weekend.... Any ill effects don't seemed to have lingered long.

Have a good day with S4.... For mine, jello and a funny movie were the best medicine

[BFloat]

my son hates jello. can you imagine?? what kid hates jello??

if anyone has the ability to affect your H, it will be your S. magical powers those little beings have..