We've had joint accounts since well before we got married, so H never learned how to be financially responsible. His income doesn't support the lifestyle that he'd like to lead. Money has been a sore subject for us for a long time. I let him go on his spending spree since the bomb without saying a word, but there will be a time where enough is enough. If he wants to continue to buy toys for himself, then he can do so with any 'leftover' money after the bills have been paid.
I know I'm making it sound like his crisis is about me, that I'm the victim and he needs to change things so that I can move on. I'm getting to a point where I'm tired of being a "servant" to him, being the accountant, cook, cleaning lady, childcare provider and other stuff. He wants to come and go as he pleases, goes to soccer a couple of times a week, goes to bars and whatever other places while I'm expected to stay home and care for S4. He used to pitch in and help out in most of these things, but now I'm left to sit back and do all this work (on top of working full time), watch him act like an irresponsible teenager, and act like I'm ok with it all. It's not easy to do and I'm feeling very worn out.
H keeps asking the same questions over and over. He's looking for me for answers, not just validation, but answers about why "I" let him down. I've been answering as I go, but he's not listening. He's been saying how out of character "I" have been and pushed him away, that I'm the one who failed him and I'm the one who's responsible for all of it. If this keeps going for a long time, there might be a point where I will just start believing that. I know that you should believe what the WAS says, but after you've heard it so many times, it might start to distort the reality a bit.
We don't really spend any time together. Our interactions are usually around S4, and after S4 is in bed, H is either gone or on his iPad.
At least he's starting to come around and act more interested in S4. For so many weeks he was so angry and impatient, constantly yelling at S4. Though his impatience is still there to a degree, at least he's making more of an effort to give S4 hugs. One time last week he even offered to read to S4 before bed.
My W has basically washed her hands of financial responsibility. She spends what she wants when she wants and has run up cc debt without showing accountability to pay it back. Had to separate those accounts to protect the family and was labelled as "controlling" for the act.
Something to consider (I'm doing this now also) is if your H is "feeling" you let him down, then those are his feelings and there may be some truth to it. This does not mean these issues are your fault and that is NOT what I'm saying. What I am learning for myself is that I brought my own issues & behaviors to my M and they have contributed to the issues.
It doesn't make me a bad person, just human. I knew this at a high level but its starting to hit a little deeper for me to see how my actions/behaviors have contributed and its helping me see more 180's that I can do as a result.
This does NOT justify his actions & behaviors. He may be trying to justify his actions by what he's claiming about you (typical WAS stuff) but that is a defense mechanism to avoid looking deeper. Its hard to deflect that but I'm guessing you can do it (believe me, if I can, you certainly can!)
As I read your post, I see a lot of frustration with your H's behaviors which often boils down to unmet expectations for you. Which brings me to that wonderful word....detachment.
Money is a big issue with me & W as well. I'm far more conservative in my spending than W. I've had to just move forward to manage what needs to be managed. I've offered to include her but she's resisted so I've had to just do what I feel is best for the family. I get flack about it but I know I'm doing what is best under the circumstances and will take the heat.
What can you do for you? What nights can you go out and let you H take care of S and other stuff? Even if its going to the store by yourself. Maybe have H handle his own dinner because you've got plans? I'm not the best at the GAL stuff so others can help you there.
((((NH))))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
We've had joint accounts since well before we got married, so H never learned how to be financially responsible. His income doesn't support the lifestyle that he'd like to lead. Money has been a sore subject for us for a long time. I let him go on his spending spree since the bomb without saying a word, but there will be a time where enough is enough. If he wants to continue to buy toys for himself, then he can do so with any 'leftover' money after the bills have been paid.
I'm living this too. It's one thing to protect your finances for you and S, when doing so might lead to more distance w/ H. You have to do it anyway, but in a quiet, firm, non-combative way. Look at me giving you advice on this though. I enabled this pattern myself for 20+ yrs, yet in a way that qualifies me to speak on its down side if not checked.
I know I'm making it sound like his crisis is about me, that I'm the victim and he needs to change things so that I can move on. I'm getting to a point where I'm tired of being a "servant" to him, being the accountant, cook, cleaning lady, childcare provider and other stuff. He wants to come and go as he pleases, goes to soccer a couple of times a week, goes to bars and whatever other places while I'm expected to stay home and care for S4. He used to pitch in and help out in most of these things, but now I'm left to sit back and do all this work (on top of working full time), watch him act like an irresponsible teenager, and act like I'm ok with it all. It's not easy to do and I'm feeling very worn out.
NH I'm really sorry, and FWIW I'm living it too and feeling your pain. One thing though, remember that link to that sarcastic article about MLC? Isn't it odd how it fit so many people's sitches on this board. I think that means that what we are dealing with is not just our sitch alone but some sort of bizarre human trait that is maybe a mixture of our biology, human and social characteristics.
I wanted to say to you that when you say things to him like "yes, I was this negative thing in the M" when in discussion I feel like it just fuels his distance and flight. Maybe if you say it more like that you recognize something in you that you have grown beyond and now see it as such and such better way. Not that this will have any immediate affect either. It might but be prepared for it feeling like it went through his ears.
H keeps asking the same questions over and over. He's looking for me for answers, not just validation, but answers about why "I" let him down. I've been answering as I go, but he's not listening. He's been saying how out of character "I" have been and pushed him away, that I'm the one who failed him and I'm the one who's responsible for all of it. If this keeps going for a long time, there might be a point where I will just start believing that. I know that you should believe what the WAS says, but after you've heard it so many times, it might start to distort the reality a bit.
Don't believe it NH, or I will drive up there and reprimand you! That's all you need right, another guy giving you shitt? You know he's got to villianize you to make his story work. Eventually, when you provide no fuel for his fire, he'll flame out, and maybe start to look inward.
We don't really spend any time together. Our interactions are usually around S4, and after S4 is in bed, H is either gone or on his iPad.
At least he's starting to come around and act more interested in S4. For so many weeks he was so angry and impatient, constantly yelling at S4. Though his impatience is still there to a degree, at least he's making more of an effort to give S4 hugs. One time last week he even offered to read to S4 before bed.
My H said to me for a while that his leaving was not what he wanted to do but I had forced him to leave. I somehow learned to keep my mouth shut and nod affirmatively. I dont have to answer every accusation my H makes. He wants to engage us in a fight so we can act angry and mad and he can say look I am right you are a crazy beetch.
A woman at al-anon shared the other night the best thing she ever learned to say was "Yeah, Ah ha, I've never looked at it like that, you may be right" and thats all you have to say. You dont need to win a debate. The truth will reveal its self it just takes its time
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I haven't posted in almost a month, and just wanted to give an update on where things are.
Well, I'm still here, and so is my H. I think things are ok. They're better. There is still a long road ahead of us, but I feel like we're slowly moving in the right direction.
The 2nd and 3rd weeks in March H was gone (a mix of business and personal travel). The first few days after he left were a little difficult to adjust to, mainly because being a single parent really does require a lot more work...
About halfway through the first week, H and I got into a little spat over the phone. I ended up hanging up on him a couple of times, because I was getting upset and couldn't continue. We continued to "talk" via TM. It was not directly M related, but still something important to H and is part of H's crisis. I was frustrated and let it show. I know I could have handled it better, but the emotions got the best of me.
The morning after the "spat", H was texting random things, not mentioning the previous night at all.
With time, his TM's were increasing, especially the second week he was away. He was asking me more about my day, sending me updates on his travels and what he was doing when. In one of his TM's he said he "missed his wife".
I let him initiate almost all of the contact while he was away.
I think around the second week he was gone, I was starting to get used to him being away. It sort of gave me a snapshot of what it would be like w/out him, and I was ok with it. I knew that no matter what, I would be ok. I also think it's about the same time that H has started to miss me more. Funny how things work.
H came back a week ago. The first couple of days of him being back felt a little strange. We didn't talk very much, everything felt a little awkward, especially after S4 would go to bed. I didn't know what to say to him, he didn't know what to say to me. Yet somehow things found their ways to intimacy.
Overall, I think things are looking up. We're pleasant w/ each other. We seem to talk more, just random stuff. H cooked or helped cooking dinner a couple of times this week.
I received flowers from a friend this week. H wanted to know who they were from and wouldn't accept "friend" as an answer. He kept asking if they were from a guy. The flowers definitely set him off and got him thinking.
H has made a couple of compliments this week. He smiles back when I smile at him. The anger that I could see in his eyes and feel in the air doesn't seem to be there. He's gone tonight, but before he left he kissed me, and it was more than just a quick kiss. It actually got S4 to whine a little, he was starting to get jealous.
There hasn't really been any R talk whatsoever, and some days it's driving me crazy. I feel that at some point we'll need to talk about what's happening and where things are going.
I'm at a point where I think that no matter what happens, whether things work out between H and I or not, that I'll be ok. I feel more confident and at peace. I am lucky to have found a network of people who have helped me so much. Without them, I would not be anywhere near I am now.
