Get help from a Divorce Busting® Telephone Coach TODAY! We specialize in helping you get your marriage back on track, even when your spouse has one foot out the door. Don't be discouraged. We can help.
303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435
uhhhhhh wait a minute, going free range isn't anything like going commando, is it?
Hey, if that helps him out go for it!
Nah, my wife was just the opposite before the separation. She is a very stoic gal. I could tell when something was bothering her, but she usually refused to talk about it because she was afraid I would lose my temper. That was not the case, nevertheless,it was her perception - reality. Very dysfunctional relationship.
Monkey Farts - there is actually a jar candle out there called "monkey farts". Gotta tell ya they got it all wrong. Smells nothing like the real thing...
OK, so I'll say this to you. Retreating is OK, it really says nothing bad about who you are. It does say that sometimes you say things in the heat of battle that you don't mean and in the clear, cold light of day you realize your mistake and can apologize.
Me 56/H 56 M 34/T 37 S 23 away at college S 20 at home in college Bomb #1 11/09 Bomb #2 3/11 He moved out 3/11
I've learned, the hard way, that once words leave your mouth- they turn to smoke and are impossible to collect and take back. When I was angry- I would just rattle off whatever came to mind, with no filter or thoughts of what my words would make him feel. It would take a while for me to get back in control and it was almost like my brain had to re-engage... And by then, the damage was done. I would apologize, he accepted and I would move on- as if it never happened. I never internalized what it felt like for him to be on the receiving end of my venom. It was years of this pattern that took its toll on H.
Not sure if you were ever this extreme, but it sounds like your W reached the same place as my H. All we can do now is to reflect inwards and choose to do 'surgery' on our temper and live it everyday. Like 25 says, 'from this day forward, be the best we can be'
I can relate to labug's statement: "a position he couldn't retreat from". Once I realized what I had done, I was embarrassed and ashamed- so my solution was to ignore it (probably a pride thing) and just move on.... Turns out my H needed me to be vulnerable enough to admit my shame and be genuine in my apology. A tough lesson to learn, that I will never have to learn again.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg - spot on, you nailed it. I felt so utterly out of control when the venom began to spew. I was ashamed and embarassed every time this happended. That, of course, made things much worse in the long run. My wife finally reached her threshold. Its tough now in that respect. I'm much happier and secure with who I am now. Regrettably, she cannot see that because we very seldom have any contact. Not yet sure at what point it will be appropriate to initiate a dialogue with her. Fairly certain that its still way too soon to ask for that.