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Did she say she hoped the stress tapered off or the MC tapered off?

In my experience, when I got to the tough stuff with my IC I was overwhelmed after an appt. I would go home and go to bed for a couple of hours. I think that's why many people stop going or never even seek it.

About your mind reading and feelings of unease, you have no control over what she does and you can choose to feel good about where you are or feel bad about it.

You have that power.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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just for emphasis:
If you reconcile, you can't keep doing doing this in your M. It's nice to be in tune with your spouses needs, but for every emotion or thought have such a profound effect on your anxiety level is going to cause so much stress on the both of you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
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Hey Crimson ^^^ what the bug said. I am a firm beleiver in the short, succint post.

Dude, I wish I could be where you are now. I'm not trying to downplay the sh!t storm you are going through. Crimson, I watch your thread and I notice you have a HUGE problem relaxing and detaching. Sure its different when kids are involved, but you have gotta start loving yourself and stop the mind reading. You have done great. Get back to the bad-a$$ Crimson of last month.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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I don't want to spend a lot of time on what has been said or not been said....

I know who I am and what I stand for. Although you did come across a little abrasive 25, I'm sure any of us here can either buy into things, or rebuke those things. I know that in going through MY journey, I was the bravest one there. The bottom line is that everyone who signs up to save their marriage and post here, should be their own hero.

Most heroes don't have a varying degree. Was Superman greater than Spiderman ? Pffftt...does it matter ??? (although I'm sure I will get a response on that one)

I'm not going to speak for Rick, nor will I defend him. What I will say is that I see his point, and although it might have not been clear, it was his, and I see and respect it.

Crim.....so are so jammed up her asss right now that you can't see the forest for the trees. You are so caught up in what she says , thinks, feels, tastes, smells, the color she paints her nails, that you have lost your personality in this, or at least you do not show it here.

Your character ? No question about that one....you are up there on that list...

And I think what Rick was saying is, that if you get outside of your own head, and post around a bit, that it might loosen you up a bit, and allow you to stop thinking about all of the baggage that handcuffs you daily.

You have got to stop getting in her head so much, and stop wondering what if all of the time.

Gabby is constantly telling you this, you say "I know" and then come back with the same crap over and over again...

Look man...

Her decision was to be done with the marriage....

UNTIL SHE CHANGES HER MIND, her decision will be to be done with the marriage....

You have made her rethink that decision, and she is struggling HARD with rethinking it...

Anal-izing every little things she does, is not gonna make her change that decision until SHE decides to....





Just for grins...

Tell me one of your BEST college stories.... ????

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Originally Posted By: Mach1
Her decision was to be done with the marriage....

UNTIL SHE CHANGES HER MIND, her decision will be to be done with the marriage....

You have made her rethink that decision, and she is struggling HARD with rethinking it...

Anal-izing every little things she does, is not gonna make her change that decision until SHE decides to....


From my perspective, this was one of the most difficult lessons to learn and I am still learning it. But, I think it will give you a measure of peace, Crimson. It will help you to compartmentalize so that every little thing does not wreck havoc on your emotions.

When I first started this, I was looking everywhere for clues that H had changed his mind and did not want to S. If we had a good weekend together, I was thinking, "great, now he won't move out!" Then I would be absolutely devastated when it turned out that nothing had really changed.

Now I try to look at a positive (or negative) event as just that -- something good (or bad) happened, but if H has not said that he has changed his mind, he has not changed his mind. Be happy for the positive and move on. Force yourself not to interprest your W's words and actions too much. Take them at face value. I just posted on my thread that H said our last therapy session was "fun." Before I would have interpreted this as H wanting to come back. Now I interpret it as H was comfortable and enjoyed the therapy session. Period. One positive step in a long process. Good luck!

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Couple of things that make sense....well, most of them do - but just to highlight. "Progress is being made, but it is not linear". That is a good way to look at it. Perhaps some rational sequence of events was what I was looking for in all of this....a, then b, then c, then we're back on track. Clearly nothing in this arena resolves that way, so it a crappy expectation on my end.

Get back to being the "kick-a$$ Crimson from last month". I think what happened was me trying to come out of LRT a bit a bridge back to my w. It makes you...well....vulnerable and subject to rejection - but it is central to the R process I think. Add to that the fact that I became hopefull, optimistic - felt GOOD about the chances of things working out - I guess I fell out of DB mode. I think I FULLY understood LRT and going dim....got kinda good at it. I guess what I don't know is how to gradually reincorporate her into my life in a way that shows growth, but still stay true to DB. Somewhere in all of that mess I kind of lost track of myself from the previous months. I started to enjoy seeing her, spending time with her and my s together....believing that maybe we could get back to that (and maybe we still can - who knows). That wave of good feelings and hope probably took my eye off the ball and got me thinking more about "OK, what am I going to do when this works out" as opposed to "how will I cope if it doesn't".

ALL of this is intensified by the fact that, frankly, the clock is ticking and I don't have much time left. First week of May and it is D-O-N-E done. I don't want that. I terrified of being a part-time dad to my son, I going to get wrecked financially, I might be forced by the court to sell my house. Everything that I have worked so hard to establish in my life seems to be on the edge of evaporating right in front of me and I want none of it....and can still see hope in it NOT happening.

GM is always right....as is everyone else on me needing to hit the eject button from my w's head. Just seems harder to do now that I am approaching the zero-hour.

Give me some time to reflect on a good college story.....they do exist. smile

Crimson

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Believe it or not, I DO have band camp stories......yep. I was one of THOSE kids. smile

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Somehow I am not suprised.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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^^^Haaaa!^^^^^^^

If it's any consolation I was in marching band at IU for about four days before I hung my sousaphone up for good. Never made it through band camp. Once you get to the collegiate level, those kids are WEIRD. smile

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Quote:
vulnerable and subject to rejection
I tried living my life the opposite of this, what I thought was safe but you know what, I wasn't LIVING life, just going through the motions. Being vulnerable and subject to rejection is scary but so worth it.

Quote:
ALL of this is intensified by the fact that, frankly, the clock is ticking and I don't have much time left.


Everyone here lives with that same issue, everyday. And in a larger sense everyone on earth does. I could stand up to get another cup of coffee and drop dead (happened to someone I know last week). Do I want to sit her and worry about it until it does happen.

Nah!

Throw caution to the wind and be vulnerable, if you aren't, you aren't really living.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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